upside down surprise :: a journey through faith

thesixtyone

2008-06-16T14:17:00.005-04:00

A friend introduced me to a music website called thesixtyone. It's great! A really fun system of discovering and rating music, earning points, and so forth. There are a few usability issues to be worked out, in my opinion, but overall a neat site. Check it out. And give me a bump or two if you're into that kind of thing.

something that's been bothering me for years...

2008-05-09T22:47:00.003-04:00

i remember arguing with my sister in bible college about the absurdity of 'christian' record labels.

read this review of a book addressing the "deep contradictions of christian popular culture."

found here who reblogged from this guy who reblogged the book review

moderately short rant

2008-04-08T21:30:00.002-04:00

if you ever decide to try your hand at writing a book, let me offer this advice:

do NOT use endnotes.

i repeat. do NOT use endnotes.

i have read a few books lately with endnotes, and there seems to be a developing trend for authors to put interesting tidbits of information in their endnotes that are basically useless read on their own void of their context within the respective paragraph and chapter, and endlessly frustrating when being read along with their respective paragraph and chapter (because of the constant flipping to the back of the book).

if it is that important to say that you need to put it in the book somewhere, put it in where it goes with the flow of reading. jeepers. i understand the function of endnotes for referencing and such, but so much of it now is an interesting side note or story that helps illustrate a point, or sometimes it seems to be a random thought that sprung to mind while writing about a certain topic. if it's relevant, put it in the book. if it's not, please just leave it out and let me read in peace! it's getting ridiculous.

use footnotes. something, anything else.

apologies

2008-04-08T21:15:00.007-04:00

apologies i haven't been very diligent with updating this thing. i know you don't really care, but i feel badly anyhow.

here is the latest news from the shillington house:

1. i've been ordained. you must now refer to me as "reverend shillington."

2. we're having a baby. july 23 is the due date and it is a boy.

3. we had an awesome vacation in Florida in March visiting family and missing two feet of snow in one day at home. ha!

4. I am currently seeking a full time pastoral ministry opportunity. enjoy this pic.

get the ep here...

2008-02-05T17:40:00.001-05:00

my EP is finished and available for purchase.

for the low low price of five dollars. seven dollars if i need to mail it to you.
go to http://www.myspace.com/brandonshillington to listen to a couple of the tracks from it.

pop me an email if you'd like one.

b.

oh how we hide

2007-11-13T16:45:00.000-05:00

i was reading genesis three today and the part where adam and eve hide from God "because they were naked" stuck out at me. I got to thinking about how sin separates us from God. We hear a lot about how God cannot remain near sin, thus his people must be made holy. But if you read the story God didn't withdraw from man, man withdrew from God.

I know when I do something I know I shouldn't that affects someone else, when I do something that hurts another, the last thing I want to do is talk to them. My reaction is the same as Adam and Eve's, to hide. I experience a sensation within me, a sinking in my stomach, a feeling that it would be the worst thing in the world to face that person with my dirty hands, to expose my nakedness. I do not want to be seen as I am, sinful, full of mistake and hurt. I want to hide.

It is by the grace of God that we can learn to approach with humility and receive the forgiveness he offers. The wonder and joy is found in realizing that God does not think less of me for my sin. The shame that I feel does not come from him. It is that shame that drives us apart. God comes exposing our sin with truth so that he can wash away the shame with forgiveness and restore the relationship.

Adam and Eve were banished from the garden. Childbearing and the ground were cursed because of them. There were direct consequences of what they did. But God didn't leave them. He made them clothes so they would not continually feel exposed. In chapter four after Cain killed Abel, it is said that he "left the Lord's presence." He didn't just leave his family and fields, he left God's presence. God was still with them. He didn't leave after sin entered the world. He stuck around to work things out.

He is here now. Forgiving my sin, wiping away my shame, covering my nakedness, staying with me to bring me to the day our relationship can be as glorious and pure as it once was with Adam and Eve in the garden.

here and there

2007-11-10T22:29:00.000-05:00

i must confess i'm finding this disciplines thing difficult. i guess that's the reason it's called a discipline. i like to excuse myself by thinking it's hard to get back into something after not doing it for a few years, but who am i kidding. i just have to stop the talk and start at some point.

i've read some bits in genesis here and there. i'm at about chapter three. i find myself getting side-tracked a bit with nit-picky bits. i grew up loving the whole creation/evolution controversy, so when i read the beginning of genesis much of it has ties in those kinds of conversations for me. additionally, i find myself getting distracted with wierd questions like, how do we know that the snake in the garden was satan? how do we know it wasn't just a snake? maybe there's some reference elsewhere i need to find. but really, what difference does it make? the story isn't about the snake.

personally, i stopped caring whether genesis one and two are referring to short days or long days or evolution or whatever. i think that discussion misses the point. i prefer to read genesis one as poetry now. i think it is a beautiful poem. it gives us our origin. it frames our existence in a world that has meaning and purpose and beauty. and it does that regardless of what method was employed in creating.

i love the stories in genesis. i'm looking forward to reading them again. they are so rich, but i love them mostly because the are the stories about the beginnings of our faith. they are stories about some of God's actions in beginning the process of healing and restoration and how people cooperated or didn't in that process. these are the stories that framed an understanding of God for all the authors of the rest of the scriptures. the judges and kings and prophets and apostles, jesus himself, were all influenced directly by the stories found in genesis. stories of faith, stories of failure. stories of heartache and trust and deliverance. stories that teach us that God is a provider, that God will judge evil, that God is faithful, that God is passionate, that God is creative, and so many other things.

genesis. beginnings. maybe this week i will continue to work on beginning this habit of reading and journaling.

genesis 1

2007-10-31T21:09:00.000-04:00

beginnings are so full of hope, latent potential waiting in the wings. that is what i feel reading the first chapter of genesis. hope, excitement for the future, dreams for what can be all jump at me from the poetry that is genesis 1. six times God looks at his creation and says it is good. affirmation is repeated throughout the poem. "Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!"

as the hope found in those verses jumped at me i began to ponder how in just two chapters the story would take a tragic turn. those hopes would be crushed. God's very good would be smeared with rebellion and blood. i thought about how this is the way life is for us: so often our hopes and dreams come falling down around us in the reality of the everyday crush. there is often not much that seems "very good."

and yet, this is our beginning. we have been lovingly made by a creator and called "very good." his smile frames our existence and his hopes for us dance in our dreams. we can remember where we have come from, how this story began, and hope can be restored through Christ's presence in our present. this story had a very good beginning. the middle has been sullied, but the story does not end with the middle. there is a climax leading to and ending more glorious than the beginning. redemptive time will end and all will be made new.

until then i will let my looking back inform my looking forward and find the hope that leads me to let Christ unleash that latent potential placed in me at the beginning for my life now.

disciplines

2007-10-22T11:24:00.000-04:00

i almost shut this thing down. i haven't had much in the way of motivation to write. my apologies to those of you who have been looking for updates into our lives. here's a quick summary of what's going on right now:

- gabe took his first steps. we are having a blast watching him grow. he's such a toddler now.
- i went with garry to the 2007 international rock paper scissors tournament in toronto. we both went out in the first round, but our friend nathan made it all the way to the top 16 (out of about 500). we had a blast cheering him on and living vicariously through his victory. pictures are here.
- karen has finished her maternity leave and is in full swing teaching grade one again. she is commuting to belleville (about 45-50 minutes) and is not really enjoying being away from gabe.
- i quit roofing to stay home to take care of gabe. i do not miss roofing. i do enjoy spending my days with the boy. i am still working part-time at rustle.
- the band i'm playing in had our first gig this past friday night. it was a blast and there was a good crowd. hope they enjoyed it!
- my cd is almost finished. about time! i'll let you know more when i know more.

i'm struggling to get back into some kind of spiritual discipline habit. it's tough. i'm going to try two things: 1) reading scripture, although instead of just reading a bit every day with no rhyme nor reason and getting bored i am going to try sticking with one book for a while. reading a bit at a time, sometimes a verse, sometimes the whole book, sometimes a commentary, sometimes some study into it. i find i enjoy understanding how context helps with understanding. i enjoy seeing ideas fit together in helping me understand God and life. i am hoping this approach helps breathe some life into a discipline that at times has been very dry for me. 2) i am going to try to journal my thoughts through this process here, at least 2 or 3 times a week. this will help me process my thoughts by the effort of putting them into sentences and paragraphs, and hopefully be a beneficial discipline. you are invited to help keep me accountable to this by reminding me if i haven't posted in a week or more.

update

2007-07-27T20:22:00.000-04:00

1) i have some amazing friends that helped me finish the patio. huzzah! thank you each one...seriously, i was getting pretty tired of working on it and your encouragement and help really helped finish it off.

2) i worked my last day as a roofer wednesday. i have been looking forward to this day for a long time. it was a little sad saying goodbye to a guy i've worked with for almost two years though.

3) next week i go on holidays for two weeks. we are going camping, then visiting karen's family for a few days, then hanging out at home. i am in dire need of some rest as i am feeling drained.

exhausted

2007-07-07T19:31:00.000-04:00

today was the day. we were going to finish the patio. it's been hanging over my head for too long, i need to finish this thing. karen arranged for mady to come watch gabe so we could work on it together.

then life happened. we decided to go to some gospel concert at john wesley's green acres last night to visit with my aunt and uncle that were up from pennsylvania visiting my grandfather. we didn't get home till after 12. then they wanted to go to breakfast this morning to visit before they left. we didn't get to the patio till 11. i spent an hour taking the cement saw i borrowed from my boss apart after the pull cord snapped and the spring uncoiled. finally after much struggling my nerves were about as fragile as the pull cord but i had it together and running. of course it wouldn't end there. it's not running well, so it won't cut the stones very well. i tried laying a stone or two, but my nerves couldn't handle the fiddling around that's required to get it right. the lack of sleep got to me and i had no patience left. plus it was about to rain.

karen and i moved most of our pile of dirt into the garden and called it a day. we spent the rest of it shopping for plants that will hopefully produce something edible by fall.

i'm beat. i need to finish my sermon but i'm not even going to try tonite. i'll get up early tomorrow. today's meals were a healthy mix of bacon and eggs and greasy home fries with mcdonald's chicken mcnuggets, fries and a milkshake.

yesterday wasn't much better with bacon and eggs for breakfast, no lunch, and a wendy's burger with fries for supper.

fast food isn't whole grain. i'm too tired to care.

i'm number one, i'm number one

2007-06-15T09:33:00.000-04:00

i am now the proud parent of a child that has developed to the point of saying:

"da, da, dja, da, dja, dja, da, da"

repeatedly.

soon, oh so very soon, he will say these sweet words in reference to yours truly.

karen's not so impressed. she said she'll give me this one.

oh sweet gabe, how you grow so fast.

cinematograpy virgin

2007-06-04T19:33:00.000-04:00

my friend garry and i tried our first attempt at making a short film. we biked all over downtown kingston friday morning filming, then i spent saturday night editing it for sunday morning. it was a lot of work, but i think it turned out really well.

i bought adobe premier elements 3.0 to edit it on as the video editing programs i had couldn't do what i needed for this video. elements seems like a great program, but i spent a lot of time figuring out how to use it and still feel frustrated with some parts that i don't know how to work properly yet. i think once i figure it out it will make editing much easier. also i think i need more memory on my computer as the program was running very slow.

enjoy!

inside my head

2007-05-25T10:40:00.000-04:00

i haven't had much to say lately...

i really don't know what to write most days. i'd rather just go to bed. there are some thoughts swirling around occasionally, but when they do i don't have the gumption to bother writing them down. maybe i should. make it more of a discipline...open journal so to speak.

yesterday i was feeling a little blue. i realized much of my life is spent simply reacting to my world. this is a bad thing. i go to work and do what i need to do to get through the day, looking forward to august when i will be finished with roofing. always looking forward to that break around the corner...that day when my life will move from this feeling of in-between limbo to some kind of permanence. i go home to my wife and son and do what i need to do to keep them happy. i go to rustle and some days i feel like i am just looking for something to do to fill my time.

this is not how i want to live.

i want to look forward to what i can create. i want to make something happen. i want to be proactive, creative, active in participating with God in making my life what it needs to be, in doing what i need to do. i want to be actively working to make our home a wonderful place where karen and gabe can thrive. i want to be a positive force for good in my workplace, grateful for a job, grateful for each day i get to live. i want to come to rustle ready to give my all in loving and serving, passionately doing what God has created me to do best, knowing that i am doing what i need to be doing. i don't want to sit around and let life happen, i want to make life happen.

but i don't. why? when will i start? what am i waiting for?

this sucks. God help me. someone help me.

we had some questions we had to answer in group a couple months ago that relate to what i am thinking about today as i prepare for sunday. it's about choosing our travelling companions wisely, about the influence that environment has on us, about developing intentional relationships that help us move toward wholeness.

i had a really hard time with those questions. i don't easily open my soul to people to let them help me grow. i keep my tender parts buried deep inside me, preferring to expose easily dealt with cracks instead. i don't share my real thoughts and fears and struggles with very many people. in short, i need to find some travelling companions.

it's not that i don't have any. it's that i don't let them get inside me.

where do i go when i feel depressed, afraid, sad, insecure, unfinished? i go inside myself. lot's of good help there you can be sure (insert sarcastic grimace here).

wonder bread.

someone give me a kick in the ass.

it's alive!

2007-05-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

some of you may have wondered where i've been. others may not have noticed.

if you're interested there are new pictures on my flikr page.

go here to see them.

that is all.

goodnight.

easter. hmmmm....

2007-04-04T14:30:00.000-04:00

A Brief for the Defense

Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would
not be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a
rowboat comes slowly out and then goes back is truly
worth all the years of sorrow that are to come.

— Jack Gilbert

laughs

2007-03-19T16:52:00.000-04:00

check this out - hilarious!
watch it all the way through to the end.

link

empty

2007-03-19T15:21:00.000-04:00

space.
sometimes i want it. sometimes i long for the quiet. the peace.
now they're gone, and i'm alone.

"it's lonely coming home to an empty house," i said.
"tell me about it," he replied with a forlorn grin.

too easily i take for granted the ones i love most in the press of every day.
in the empty i remember.
remember the love.

he ran away to a lonely desert, depressed and alone.
God stopped by. burning coals.

he ran to a lonesome mountain.
God stopped by. still small voice.

he wandered in the hunger and thirst.
devil stopped by. temptation.

things seem to happen in the empty spaces.
will i listen?

beware of moat

2007-03-06T14:50:00.000-05:00

here i am in the middle of my skin
no way out
no way in
rain can blow while roadsigns quiver
their silent fingers pointing
directions to empty minds

hearty words find home in my soul
digging a ditch
beware of moat
...surround and protect

no way out.
no way in.

when last did music satisfy this hunger?
platters of spicy goodness dancing in my ears
tomorrow
yesterday

life. it's everywhere
to be found
to be tasted
to be heard

rose petals in a tasty cake
soft

no way out?
no way in?

good.

a quote to ponder

2007-03-02T15:40:00.000-05:00

in a continuation of the thoughts in my last post, i submit this quote given to me by a friend. i think it is amazing and captures the essence at the heart of the violence of jesus.

What is the task of the church today?
Shall I answer: "Faith, hope and love"?
That sounds beautiful.
But I would say Courage.
No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth.
Our task today is recklessness.
For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature,
We lack a holy rage.
The recklessness that comes from the knowledge of God and humanity.
The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets . .
and when the lie rages across the face of the earth -
a holy anger about things that are wrong in the world.
To rage against the ravaging of God's earth,
and the destruction of God's world.
To rage when little children must die of hunger,
when the tables of the rich are sagging with food.
To rage at senseless killing of so many,
and against the madness of the militaries.
To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death
and the strategy of destruction peace.
To rage against complacency.
To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change
human history until it conforms with the norms of the kingdom of God.
And remember the signs of the Christian church have always been -
the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove and the Fish -
but never the chameleon.
Kaj Munk

the violence of jesus

2007-02-07T10:43:00.000-05:00

i was talking with karen the other day about the account of jesus clearing out the temple:

John 2:14-16 (New American Standard Bible)
14And He found in the temple those who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. 15And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables; 16and to those who were selling the doves He said, "Take these things away; stop making My Father's house a place of business."

i was pointing out the fact that jesus made a whip, a very purposeful and time-consuming act, before going nuts on everybody. we see in this story the anger of jesus displayed in a passionate and even violent act. here's what i want to know. what did he do with that whip? brandish it menacingly? sting the backsides of sheep and cattle? did he use it on any people?

monday i was home from work sick, so i spent much of the day on the couch reading a couple copies of geez magazine a friend had loaned me. i think i overdosed. anyway, geez is very peace-loving. my thoughts were saturated with ideas of following jesus being a way of peace as opposed to war.

here's the question: what is an appropriate expression of anger, and even violence, in this world that we can learn from jesus' example? what will i teach my son about dealing with bullies at school? about war? about justice? we seem to fear anger at times, filing it away in the sinful category. but it is a human emotion just as ligitimate as joy or sorrow or love - within the appropriate context, just as is the case with all other emotions. so when is anger appropriate, and in such cases, what is an appropriate expression of anger? is violence ever called for, ever an appropriate response? i have some theories, but i'm interested to hear what you think.

snow day

2007-02-03T20:32:00.000-05:00

it snowed today. all day. from about 11am to 5 or 6pm. i went out and shoveled the foot of snow out of the driveway, then it started to snow again. i had been sitting inside all day nursing a budding flu or cold. thank God for drugs. the fresh air was nice.

as i watched the snow falling i was thinking about how beautiful it was, and how wierd our winter this year has been, and how thankful i am for how God has taken care of us. and how much i am loathing going back to roofing next week now that we have all this snow. some wet hands will be had for sure. strap the harness on.

i start two days a week at rustle this month. the more i spend time there, the more excited i am about serving there. i am thankful for this. it seems God has brought me so far. it seems so long ago that i sidled up to a local leader searching for a cure to a complacent spirituality. thank you sir, for shaking me back to Christ. for this i am thankful. for new life, new passion, new opportunities, new friends. i am filled with gratitude.

ever and always does God soak me with blessings. undeserved. lavished. still learning how to cope with all that kindness. i am awkward with grace.

my sister is having a baby soon. within moments i will be an uncle. freight trains could not keep me away, but the mighty dollar might. alaska is so far away. it is hard at times. karen's family lives near niagara falls. four hours seems so far when gabriel is screaming and she needs a nap while i'm dancing on rooftops. but four hours would be heavenly for my family. they're not even a four hour flight away....try thirteen with layovers and transfers. expensive. it's cheaper to go visit vincent in france. paris must be visited one day. eiffel tower here i come. feed me stinky cheese and crepe's.

i was never much of a homebody growing up. i am sure this caused my parent's consternation at times. "call home from camp to let us know how you're doing, dear." yeah, right. i never did. no phones in the canoe. even after they moved back to alaska when i was in kingston, did i miss them? sure, at times... but overall...i've been pretty happy out on my own. now that gabriel has come along i have found it harder than ever before. it would be nice at times to go visit for the weekend. if you're reading this, don't feel bad. we are all where we're supposed to be. now my sister is having a little one, and i feel the pull to go see her. love runs thick in our house.

funny thing, baby's. i never really liked them much. that is, until i had my own. now my sister is having one, my good friends are having one, and i find myself so excited to see the children, to hold them. wierd. parenthood changes things i guess. i like it.

baby's, friends, family, rustle, snow day.

lavished.

confessions on a dance floor

2007-01-23T22:02:00.000-05:00

i had a dream last night about a guy who i really hurt by some actions i took about a year ago. i mean hurt emotionally. i tried to work it out with him right away...ask forgiveness and so forth, but he didn't want to talk to me then. i saw him recently at an event we both attended, and i was really struck by how he seemed to avoid even saying hello when he would normally (before "the incident") make a point of saying hi. i must admit i didn't go talk to him either.

this has been bothering me every time i think about it. i've managed to forget for a while, but something will happen that reminds me of the unresolved issue there. like this dream. i don't remember what happened in the dream, i just remember it was about him. i know i gotta do something to work it out, but i'm afraid to talk to him. it eats me up inside that i hurt him so much by what i did, and there's nothing i can do to make it go away. i'm left completely powerless, at the mercy of his forgiveness.

i know i need to contact him again, try to apologize again. then at least i've tried. either a friendship gets restored or i rest assured that i've done all i can.

ugghh... i hate thinking about it. makes me feel sick.

night.

some thoughts

2007-01-13T00:50:00.000-05:00

first go check out this website called clearification. watch the videos. very funny, hilarious even. recommend provided via nathancolquhoun.com.

recently listening to bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning

too often i find myself navel gazing, so caught up with my own issues that i neglect those around me. i pity the fool.

then come those moments where i am drawn out of myself and reminded that there are others in my world. others who need me. others who care about my well being. i am reminded to look outside myself. often it is in these moments i find the most [insert word for good things here], when i forget myself and freely give myself to others. go figure.

talking with karen today about life, i remarked how difficult it is to admit my issues to others, to really let them see the real me in all my gritty glory. and so it goes. too long have i run independent. keeping myself at arms length from others so appearances are kept up.

sometimes i struggle with life. complicated. independent.

i left home for college when i was seventeen. never looked back. independent.

but i am learning. slowly. rustlers aren't independent. working with al and living with the rustlers is teaching me community. sharing. vulnerability. honesty. i'm a reluctant convert, slow to quench my thirst for acceptance in the safety of loving community.

karen threw a party for my birthday almost a month ago. people came, conversation flowed while food ran wild. then karen pulled out a basket full of cards, into which friends had placed love with dollar bills attached. surprise cd fund. i was speechless, overwhelmed with that awkward feeling of being given far more than i deserved. thanks dribbled down my chin as i went into myself, unsure of what to do. independent. how do i learn to let friends love me like that? they're getting under my skin. i'm falling in love with this rustler crew. "she's good people," the lead hand would say with a goofy grin and a broom in one hand. "have you heard this song?"

to my friends, and i am blessed with many, thank you. thank you for teaching me love, generosity, and community by allowing me to experience it firsthand from your lives.

there is nowhere else i'd rather be.

updater update

2006-12-11T07:16:00.000-05:00

for your viewing pleasure, a list:

p. confession. i've grown bored with blogdom. or perhaps bored is the wrong word. i think more accurately i have found that working all day to come home tired leaves me with little in the way of creative stimulus. and if i'm not feeling creative, i'm not likely to write much since i don't want to bore you with lame crap. or bore myself with lame crap. or just produce lame crap in general.

s. gabriel is growing, smiling, making baby noises, and other miscellaneous cuteness. i would apologize for the lack of pictures, but see #1.

k. check this out for some crazy but true happenings in kazakhstan involving huge amounts of oil money, a tent that absorbs heat from the sun, and a city. seriously, it'll blow your mind. or at least make you smile incredulously.

m. big news. i have begun the process of recording an ep with matt baetz at longshot studios in kingston. very excited. save your pennies boys and girls, because some sweet tunes are coming soon to eardrums near you.

b. things at rustle (the church plant) are progressing well. we are growing together as a community and are hoping to extend an invitation to our neighborhood in january. it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...would you be mine...

g. if you want to know more, write, call, or better yet...come visit.

e. this list has been brought to you by the letter T. mmm...tea.

x. the end. bye. and thanks for stopping by. if anyone still does. which i would be shocked by since i haven't even stopped by for quite some time.

images

2006-11-14T15:43:00.000-05:00

if you would like to see some images of folks enjoying our first ever service and open house at rustle, visit my flickr site to peruse them in all their stunning brilliance.

check it out

2006-10-29T21:50:00.000-05:00

a family friend, mike smith, has finally been called up to play with the dallas stars. he started his second game last night against los angeles. two wins so far. go smitty.

p.s. check out flikr for baby pictures

our little poopsickle

2006-09-24T19:36:00.000-04:00

well, what to say. i'm tired. and happy. and tired. but i can't complain - karen is healing from giving birth plus tired plus breastfeeding. i think women got the short end of the stick on this one.

karen loves being a mom. i don't think i've ever seen her so happy. i love it.

what a stud. except this picture makes his head look funny. i love the eyes. it looks like he's communicating some sort of thought, but in reality he's just pooping. his many poop faces are hilarious.

ahhh, genetics. what a fine specimen.

grandpa's hands

2006-09-07T20:15:00.000-04:00

gabriel brandon shillington flew into this world on a wing and a prayer. karen began active labour around 12:00-12:30 pm, we figure. she had just met with the midwife at eleven to find out she was dialated 2 cm, an increase of 1 cm from the week before. by 1:30 we called our doula to come to the house, and by 2:30 the midwives arrived. by this time karen's labour was quite intense. they did another exam at 3:00 and found out she was fully dialated! we were all shocked, and since everything was progressing so fast karen was already ready to start pushing. the midwife gave us the option of proceeding to the hospital like we had originally planned, except we would have to take an ambulance to get her there in time, or we could have the baby at home. we decided to take a chance and go to the hospital. we arrived there around 3:30 or so and at 4:48 gabriel was born. he came out in the caul, another name for the amniotic sac. karen's water never broke, and when gabe came out his head was completely encased in the sac. one midwife exclaimed that she could see him still breathing the amniotic fluid! they broke the sac and brought him out the rest of the way. the midwives were quite ecstatic about having a birth "in the caul" because it is so rare. supposedly, according to legend and what-not, a child born in the caul will never drown and is thought to have supernatural powers, to be a lucky baby, with one foot in the spiritual world and one in the physical. we stayed at the hospital for the required minimum four hours, then came home to our more comfy bed. karen is healing well and we are having a blast learning how to be parents! he is a most beautiful baby.

introducing (drum roll please)...

2006-09-06T22:25:00.000-04:00

gabriel brandon shillington

7 lb., 4.5 oz.

all set to capture hearts

smells like baby powder

born september 5, 4:48 p.m.

thems the pics for now

dream-ology

2006-09-03T21:17:00.000-04:00

i had a dream the other night. it went something like this:

it was night, but not pitch black. i could still see from the lights of the city around me. i was at work and found myself climbing on the top of the highest tower of a huge stone church. it was an old wooden roof, and as i reached the peak i broke through some rotted wood and began falling. it felt like a long fall through the tower and out into the huge cathedral-like sanctuary, but i didn’t feel afraid. i was thinking about the likelihood of living through the fall, wondering what i would land on, thinking i would probably die and this sucked.

next thing i knew i was at the bottom of the sanctuary looking around, wondering what i landed on. then i noticed my body. i had landed on the wooden pews, with the back of my head smashed open on the edge of one. i thought to myself that i definitely did not have a soft landing and immediately realized that i was dead. i remember being aware that i was dead, but felt no pain, and was acutely conscious of my still being me – just my body was gone. i remember also being aware that i was supposed to continue on to the afterlife, but it was my choice to do so. i had a passing thought that perhaps ghosts (understood as the spirits of dead people with unresolved issues) could exist as people who had died but had refused to move on to their afterlife. i had no desire to do this, however. i knew i needed to move on and knew that i would.

soon after i fell, my coworkers came in to see if i was ok. they saw my body there dead, and me standing nearby. i calmly explained to them that i had fallen through the roof and landed on the pew and was now dead, and i was obviously disappointed this had happened. i didn’t want to be dead, but there was now nothing i could do about it.

knowing that i needed to move on to my afterlife, i first wanted to go say goodbye to my wife. so i went home to tell her that i had a tragic accident at work and was now dead. she was distraught, as could be expected, but also handled the news fairly calmly. i remember holding her, saying goodbye, knowing this was goodbye for a long time. i remember thinking or perhaps saying for her to feel free to find another person to share her life with – wanting her to be happy, to move on with her life.

also, while all this was happening to me, she had given birth to our baby. so when i arrived to tell her i was dead, she had news to tell me. i remember feeling so disappointed and hurt that i had missed the birth of our child, and even more sad that i would miss out on watching him grow up. then she told me that she named him jebediah. i remember feeling confused and angry and hurt that she gave him that name instead of one of the names that we had discussed. i didn’t like the name jebediah, and i remember thinking that the least she could do after my tragic death would be to give the child the name i had wanted for him, or even to name him after me. she seemed at this point in my dream like she was moving on past my death and was ready to say goodbye. she wasn’t fazed at all that i didn’t like Jebediah, but seemed like she expected me to just deal with it since i wasn’t there and it was all now up to her to raise him. i remember feeling hurt by this, and very sad at having to say goodbye to my wife and child when our lives together were just beginning, sad that i would miss so much.

then i woke up.

here's some stuff i found on this website about dream interpretations. there's some interesting bits...

Death
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
Fall
To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.
To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.
Family
To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.
Wife
To see your wife in your dream, signifies discord and unresolved issues.
Son
To see your son in your dream, signifies your ideal, hopes, potential, and the youthful part of yourself. On the other hand, to see your son in your dream might not have any significance and is simply mirroring your waking life. The dream may also be a pun on "sun".

heart rustlings and many swears

2006-08-20T15:32:00.000-04:00

i work on a roofing crew. by reputation, roofing crews are made up of rough men, and mine is no exception. these guys tell stories of doing things many would be shocked to hear, all as if it's no more than another normal day. three of them are facing charges that could send them to prison. i love them all.

here's the thing: i want to be a positive influence on the world around me. i am trying to learn how the love of God penetrates even the darkest places...and i am still left puzzling over this many days. i find too often i get caught up in their way of doing things more than i would like to admit. swearing is one thing. "admiring the beauty" of girls walking by is another. (rooftops afford an excellent view.)

my heart is disturbed. i feel quiet murmers within my chest, whispers that all is not well.
i am left leaning on grace.

i decided i don't like to swear. and checking out girls feels disrespectful to me. even as i write this i am hoping my wife doesn't read it. and yet...

maybe she will. i need her grace too. i am full of weakness. it is often in her words and in her arms that i find the grace of God. it is often in her presence that i am reminded where my priorities really lie, where the space i want my life to be is found.

many swears and rooftop views are not that space.

how can Jesus shine through me? how can my hands and voice become the channel he can use in the places i walk? this is the direction i long to go. this is the space i want to live in.

today i feel far away, in need of grace. tomorrow maybe i will see some jesus at work, or maybe not. either way i have to try. i have to believe that jesus will use me somehow, and that his light in my life can make a difference in dark places. i have to hope.

until next time, enjoy my brokeback picture.

squirmon

2006-08-14T18:24:00.000-04:00

for those of you who are interested, you can listen to the talk i gave at next on july 9 here. if that doesn't work, go here and click on the link to it in the sidebar.

this sunday is the 30th anniversary of the church my grandfather helped start in kingston. this is a picture from the groundbreaking. i think he's the tall guy in the middle toward the left. the woman in the front with the blue dress is my grandmother.

week thirty-five

2006-07-31T16:52:00.000-04:00

we are nearing the end... the midwife tells us that the baby can come anytime after 37 weeks. we finally acquired the crib and have started setting up the baby's room...still a bit more to do. we had narrowed down our list of names from about six to two, but the other day we looked at our list again and it went back up to three. no, we're not telling. ...i always get karen to smile for the camera. one of these days i'll have to take one when she's not looking so you get to see the real pregnancy! although, the little jig she did all on her own. i was just lucky enough to catch it.

newsworthy items ???

2006-07-20T23:48:00.000-04:00

karen and i went on a cruise tuesday among the many thousand islands to heart island where we took in boldt castle. karen's nephew ken and his girlfriend karlene were visiting for a few days and went with. it was a beautiful day. we filled ourselves with fajitas later that evening. more pictures can be had on my flicker site.

pictures of the boy

2006-07-12T11:55:00.000-04:00

the boy is about four and a half pounds now. we enjoyed seeing his chubby little cheeks in the ultrasound. he moves around all the time. it feels so amazing to put my hand on karen's belly and feel the kicks and rolls and movements. soon we get to meet him! pray for karen, she's uncomfortable most of the time. those are a hand and foot beside his face. he wouldn't move them so we could only see half of his face.

blow me down, me hearties

2006-06-28T20:30:00.000-04:00

i apologize for the lack of postage recently. well, really my apology is nothing more than a self-serving superficiality, for i am really sorry only that my lack of postage means the trickle of comments on my blog has run dry. so here i go again on my own.

unfortunately, sometimes on my own i don't have a lot to say. here's all i've got for tonight...

recent doings:

1) working - a lot! i start at seven, and some days don't get home till seven or eight. it means that when i get home i have time to shower, eat, and go to bed. not much time for thinking, i'm afraid.

2) rustling - at the church plant (named rustle church) we are almost finished tearing out and are in the rebuilding phase. (we've been doing some desperately needed remodeling and fixing up.) we have a guy from france named vincent volunteering for a month during the summer. he's trying to learn english better via immersion while chasing God in a new country for a short time. saturday we have our big freakin' yard sale to try to get rid of a bunch of junk and get to know some neighbors.

3) speaking - i'm speaking at next july 9 on matthew 12:1-14. main idea: we often let our religious systems take over and become rigid and judgmental. jesus wants us to remember the heart of the message. something like that. it's really better than it sounds. i still haven't solidified my 3am test yet (grin and nod out to you homiletics students). i'm a bit nervous to speak as i have never spoken at next and haven't done it at all for about a year, but i am also very excited because i think the message i have is one that God has been growing in me for a couple years now. so it is exciting to see some good stuff coming after the dry spells.

4) listing - in case you haven't noticed, i just made my first ever blog list. shite - i've taken another step into bloggermania!

5) leaving - goodnight. you should also leave ...me a comment and then leave to check out this blog for the great writing and fun pictures.

in the garage

2006-06-10T11:49:00.000-04:00

i put together another song in garageband, with the help of my brother on the drum tracks. i think it turned out pretty good. check it out at my purevolume site here. it is called 'chase me down'. i sang it at next a couple months ago.

i said goodbye to my family this morning. they took the powerbook and left for alaska. i had fun visiting with them and playing with garageband while they were here.

new song

2006-06-10T11:38:00.000-04:00

my grandmother died last friday. the funeral was tuesday morning. it has been a good time with family. i was up early on sunday morning so picked up my guitar and started picking around. i ended up writing a song that i sang at the funeral with my sister. my mom had brought a mac powerbook with her and i got playing around with garageband. with my brother's help, i recorded my song for all to hear. it's called "not the ending (song for grandma)". have a listen to it here. i think it's pretty good.

church? aliens? what?

2006-05-26T10:10:00.000-04:00

i just finished reading an article my dad forwarded to me. it's a few years old, by dr. thom ranier, and is called "ten surprises about the unchurched: understanding their hearts and minds."

i have a couple questions that arise from my reading of this article, and they stem more from feelings i get while reading and thinking than from fully developed thoughts. i would like to state them for you to help me with my thinking - agree, disagree, help!

first, read the article.

second, i don't like the term, or the way the term is used, of "the unchurched." that people are placed into this category of unchurched feels to me of us/them-ism. my question is this: how can we speak intelligently and gracefully about the reality of the difference in people before an encounter with the living God and after, without categorizing and making an in/out, us/them kind of environment or way of thinking? the way dr. thom speaks of this group of people makes me feel (as one who is not unchurched, but indeed seeks to spread the message of jesus) like a missionary with all the answers looking to help the poor deluded savages. i don't think that way of thinking is helpful, respecful, or in any way good. yet i also recognize an element of truth (albeit easily twisted into error) that we have the love of God "shed abroad" in our hearts and must share that with those who don't (the error being a belief that we have the message of God and all who would find that must find it from we few who hold the truth). how can we begin to speak and think in a way that balances the truth that we have a relationship with a person who others need to encounter, without somehow placing everyone who doesn't have this relationship in an outside category. i find it frustrating even knowing how to express my thoughts in words, for as i type i find thoughts colliding. i sense in my heart there is something wrong with how we have long engaged those who need jesus. i respect the heart of what dr. thom is trying to say and do in this article. i have no issue with him, but would like to use that article and the language used in it to point out what i think is a cronic error easily made (and made by myself for many years). i would like your engagement with this issue to help me sort my thoughts out into a more understandable way of explaining what i am feeling. i hope this makes at least a little bit of sense.

thirdly, my second question/issue arises with the conclusion implied in the article, expressly or otherwise, that church (or more church) is the solution for the "problem" of being "unchurched." i would like to suggest, rather adamantly, that more church is not what people need, if by church people think religion or religious activities. if by church dr. thom and others mean engagement with the living God through community with other jesus-followers, then by all means, invite people into the midst of that! i fear, however, that the language and wording of church, unchurched, and so on leads more to religion and religious activities than it does to real engagement with God and others. i fear that too often the religious activities we engage in when we attend "church," and the satisfaction we feel from participating in something deemed good by society and larger than ourselves and shared by people across the world, mask the ability of people to really engage with the truth that is jesus christ. i know that this is probably not true in your church, but how many people do you know that attend church because they think they need some religion in their lives, or because they like the positive things they get from going on sunday mornings? how many people think they need to attend church because religious activity is deemed to somehow be a positive thing in their lives? now, i recognize that their are many positive elements in religion, but there are also many horrible elements. i propose that following the way of jesus is not a religious activity, but a completely upside down, transformational way of living that encompases, envelops, enhances, transforms, and overwhelmes any religious activity. the way of jesus forces us to move away from our "me-me-me" focused living toward a "service to others" focused living. but how often are we taught this in church? too often it is about living right, doing the right things, and all kinds of religious stuff that are usually good at heart but lose their meaning and usefulness when focus on following the way of jesus in the kingdom of God is forgotten or ignored. i fear that inviting the "unchurched" to become "churched" is a fruitless endeavor. what can we do to help people move from not following jesus in the context of healthy community to following jesus in said community rather than merely helping them move from not religious to more religious?

those are my thoughts so far. what are yours?

week twenty-four

2006-05-17T19:39:00.000-04:00

the boy arrives in t-minus three months and counting.

of sunsets and sonshine

2006-05-12T10:12:00.000-04:00

we had a meeting of the "crazy eight" monday night at al's house, a group of core leaders for rustle (the church plant). there were more than eight of us. we had meat and salad and good conversation with prayers. there was a moment for me as it was growing dark where i looked around and felt that i was in church, the body of christ in the world, we few sitting around feeding pinapple heaven into our mouths and talking about how to discover the kingdom of God in kingston, and it was beautiful.

i am more excited about following jesus than i have ever been. life is good.

have a listen

2006-04-24T12:10:00.000-04:00

now that i have high-speed internet access, i have finally been able to post some of my songs on a purevolume site. go here to check it out, or click the link on the sidebar. let me know what you think of them. i need honest feedback. unfortunately i can only put four songs on the site unless i pay, but i'm too cheap at this point, so i may revolve the songs i have there...we'll see. also, i do not have any recordings of the songs whose lyrics i have posted on this blog as of yet. anyway, have a listen and come back to tell me what you think, keeping in mind these are rough recordings.

2006-04-13T17:40:00.000-04:00

some pictures i took in perth: this one is a huge and ritzy looking tim horton's.

this one is a local shop...read the writing in the window. funny stuff.

and this is our piano at home. i thought it was a neat picture. makes me feel all artistic and such.

beautiful kingdom

2006-04-13T16:24:00.000-04:00

i've been learning much lately about the kingdom of God - discovering in a new way what the way of jesus that i attempt to follow is really all about. in summary, redeeming everything. if you want to know more, there are many other more qualified writers than i to describe it for you. suffice to say for myself, that i have been brought to tears with joy at what i am learning about following Jesus. my brother wrote me an email the other day in which he described an anecdote that i think beautifully illustrates the new kingdom life that i am discovering. he gave me permission to share it here. enjoy.

Hey hey, sounds like life is exciting there eh! Well it's kind of so here as well. I guess that all depends on your definintion of exciting. You see, today I woke up, made a bagel, and went to let a dog out, for I am a house-sitter. So i ate my bagel as I drove to school, listening to Jadon Lavik. I know, it sounds pretty mediocre at most, however!! Let me expand. As I drove to school(which sounds mediocre at most) I also saw another car! and in that car, w as a man, and a woman, and their little kitty cat. i know what you are thinking, you think that it is just another normal day(which sounds at least medicore..(at most)). So i went to calculus, and left class. Well allow me expand my story further still!! When I looked over at the lady, while I ate my cherry tomatos from the grocery store, the cat also looked up and made a valiant effort to get some attention from the passenger in the front seat(the lady that is). All the while time is moving at a slow pace, because to tell a story in a paragraph that occured in almost 2 seconds, one must invariably slow down the pace of time itself( for the sake of telling story in some detail). So I looked over at the cat, while the lady looked up at me, and smiled. So I averted my eyes from the cat to hers and smiled back, then looking back at the road and returning to suck the life-juice from my tomato (because it just isn't polite to stare). So all in all, it was, in fact medicore(at most) but it was nice, because as you can see, a smile, and the story behind it is worth a thousand words. So you might be thinking, 'all that for just a smile?' Well my friends, do i have more for you. You see, i haven't expanded on the history of the story. I recently purchased Jadon Lavik's "Life on the Inside' album. Since it is so amazing, and blessed me so, I have been listening to it profusley. This undoubtedly set my spirit right, as I have been in good spirits lately, and smiling only comes naturally when God is in you. So good can be found in even a mediocre(at most) day if you look for it. Anyways, this wasn't where my email was gonna go, but i think I had fun typing it. I'm doing quite well, besides being discouraged with calculus, But i know tht everything will work out. Because I believe it will. And God is with me, and Jesus is in me, and Jadon Lavik singing to me! So I will talk to y'all later.

the falcons cry "aaarrrreeeee!"

2006-04-12T16:23:00.000-04:00

i belong to a men's group at our church called the blazing falcons. we do fun stuff together. read about our latest event here. go here for a video of it put together by my friend gerald. go here for a funny music video also made by my friend gerald featuring the falcon's dance troup and my other friend paul's song....from our church's new cd, which can be heard here via the sweet dark player on the sidebar. buy a sweet dark cd if you like it. it's really good.

i fell in love last thursday

2006-04-10T20:57:00.000-04:00

karen and i had our first ultrasound last week. it was incredible to see this tiny baby moving around inside her. it was like nothing i have ever seen, definitely one of the best experiences of my life so far.

these are some of those newfangled 3-d image projection thingymabobs.

hiatus

2006-04-03T18:28:00.000-04:00

we are moved(ing) into our new house.

i finally got internet access (high-speed now, thanks be to the cable guys).

my computer is set up on my dryer because i don't have ends on the cat5 cable routed through my house. i can only stand there in front of it for so long.

we are very busy, so please forgive my lack of postage.

in other news, things are moving ahead quite quickly for me to be helping with a church plant here in k-town. very excited. we have already purchased a building and will begin meeting there shortly. al (pastor i'll be working with) was filling out stuff today to get internship funding for me so i can begin putting time in at the plant. so it looks like i'll be doing another fm internship. good times. hope i don't have too many reports to do.

in other other news, saturday night i attended the blazing falcons iron chef competition. (blazing falcons is the name of our men's group at next church) we divided into teams, were given a pound of bacon and $20, and told to create a three course dinner (app, main, dessert) with bacon in each one. we were given 90 minutes and then judged. my team came in second out of about fifty-seven (*ahem* three) teams. the meals were surprisingly delish. every thing from budget kd with bacon to bacon-wrapped filet mignon and bacon-wrapped scallops to chocolate covered bacon and chocolate chip cookies cooked with bacon grease instead of butter. go here for pics.

mmmm....bacon.

witty wordsome

2006-03-10T20:10:00.000-05:00

i'm looking for a magazine to subscribe to. more specifically, i would like a magazine that talks about music and culture and includes a sampler cd with new music on it. i found one called paste that i really like. their tag line is "signs of life in music, film, and culture." it is very artistic, smart, fun to look at and read, and covers the kinds of music and stuff that i like. i also like that it is not just about music, but also reviews films and books. the only reason i hesitate is that it is an american mag so doesn't feature much new canadian content unless they get exposure in the states as well. so i ask you, gentle readers, do you know of a similar mag that would feature more canadian content?

trimester one

2006-03-06T09:22:00.000-05:00

we made it through the first trimester. as you can see from our ticker for the wee nipper, we are almost two weeks into our second trimester. the first was pretty awful for karen. she was sick most of the time. we are hoping it gets better.

i wrote a song in memorial of those three months. enjoy.

trimester one

one day she woke up, rolled over; everything was different
she felt it soon after - beginning and end of all the laughter
she tells me it hurts her. she'd rather be doing anything
anything, anything but this. she cannot hide or try to run away now

she wakes up, rolls over; eats crackers in hope she'll have a good day
instead she feels nauseous. i hold her, she cries i cannot take this
she tells me it hurts her. she'd rather be doing anything
anything, anything but this. she cannot hide or try to run away now

inside her miracle was taking over
a new lifeform was growing and taking over

together we'll face this. we're smiling and hoping it gets better
there's good days and bad days, but all days are happier in some ways
we'll soon be a family. we wouldn't want anything
anything, anything but this. we cannot hide or try to run away now

inside her miracle has taken over
a new lifeform is growing and taking over
inside her miracle has taken over
a new lifeform is growing and taking over

goat cheese

2006-03-01T21:43:00.000-05:00

karen and i put an offer on a house today. wow. we are very excited. it is a semi in kingston, a new model home. you can see it here. karen wan't handling the smell of the sulfur water at our apartment very well, and we would rather be putting our money into an investment rather than rent, and there were a couple other reasons as well...so we decided to buy a house. we looked around and this one was the nicest we saw in our price range, what with it being new and all.

carbonated holiness

2006-02-17T13:02:00.000-05:00

here's a couple anne lamott quotes i pulled from plan b: further thoughts on faith a while ago. i just ran across them as i was cleaning out my computer files and thought i would post them. i enjoyed reading her thoughts on faith because they often challenged my own. enjoy.

one secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.

ha! fun...
and

rule 1: when all else fails, follow instructions. and rule 2: don't be an asshole.

it's like being married to my best friend, except she lets me touch her boobs

2006-02-14T15:25:00.000-05:00

big news from the shillington house!

we're having a baby! it's true. yes, i know many of you will wonder how such a thing could be. let me assure you. if my wife were not pregnant, she would merely be quickly gaining belly fat, and that would be a bad thing. this is not a bad thing. she is pregnant. we are now in the twelfth week. yesterday karen had her first meeting with our midwife and she got to hear the heartbeat! amazing! this thing is the size of a lime, but it has a heartbeat and fingers and toes and is beginning to develop into a wee little boy or girl.

karen's been really sick so far, but the first trimester is almost over and she is starting to feel a little better. also the midwife gave her some meds that are supposed to help.

it's incredible! i'm really excited, but i also have those (as karen so eloquently described them) "oh, shit, what have we done!" moments. the sense of responsibility is beginning to set in already. we're due september 5.

project financing

2006-02-07T17:38:00.000-05:00

i want to record an album. and i mean a good studio recording. problem is it costs quite a bundle. i'm beginning to save for it, and i am wondering if there is anyone out there who would be interested in helping finance my project. any takers? free cd after it's completed for any contributions of $30 or more.

sometimes shite

2006-02-03T15:05:00.000-05:00

i have found that the last week or so i have been gettting cold feet about the electrician thing.  i'm having a hard time finding someone to hire me and have been a little discouraged by that.  i find myself starting to wonder if it is really what i want to do for the next five years.  i'm actually starting to think that perhaps i'm more ready to pastor again than i thought i was.  i still have some issues i'm working through in my head and heart.  karen and i had a good chat about it the other night before we went to sleep.  she was reminding me to try to figure out what i'm really passionate about in life, and go do something to do with that.  as i reflect on this, i think about how angry i become at the thought of people being turned away from discovering christ because of an interaction with a person claiming to be a christ follower.  i think about how hard i have struggled to discover a faith that is genuine.  i think about how much i want to help others discover a genuine, lifechanging faith in christ, about how much i am starting to believe the message jesus proclaims.  i think about how frustrated i am with religion that has stripped itself of the life it is supposed to carry.  i think this (finding genuine faith and helping point the way for others) is what i am most passionate about...more than anything else i can think of.  these are not the musings of an electrician.

i have other thoughts too.  thoughts that aren't so happy and encouraging, but give direction just the same.  i remember what it was like when i was a pastor before.  i remember the miserable days in the office, doing my best to fill time so i could go home.  i remember how much i dreaded going into work so many days.  sure there were good days too...moments of joy and revelation and seeing what God was doing.  but overall my job drained me, and i don't want to go back to that.  so when i ponder the pastorate, i find fear in me.  fear that i'll be miserable again.  these thoughts are leading me to the conclusion, however, that the way i was pastoring before - that what i thought being a pastor was and the way i carried that out - was shite.  shite for me anyway.  i think that if i am ever to be a pastor again i need to learn a new way of being a pastor.  i need to rethink, reimagine what being a pastor can look like.  i don't think i was doing it well before, at least not in a way that really engaged my passions and gifts and got me excited.

anyway, these are new thoughts (as of the past few days) and i would
appreciate your prayers as i think and pray through them.  i think it would be accurate to say i'm really not sure about which way to go right now (electrician or pastor).  both directions have their ups and downs....

impulse shopping

2006-01-26T16:13:00.000-05:00

i have a weakness...i like to buy music. well, no. the truth is i like to obtain new music, and since i haven't found a good way to do that cheap and legal it usually means i buy it. i walked into a music store the other day to find that they had a sale on. i picked out a couple cds, but saw so many i wanted i had to get two more. i could easily spend several hundred dollars buying music, just to catch up on stuff i would like to listen to that's been out for a while. keeping up with all the new stuff is incredibly difficult. if only i had high speed internet i could get into online radio and all that... or buying select songs online instead of getting a whole cd. it takes too long to download now on dialup so i don't bother. karen gave me a hard time when i got home for spending sixty bucks on music and told me those four cds had to fulfill my lust for new music till the summer. we laughed as i secretly plotted to get more later.

anyway, as you can see, the four cd's i ended up getting in that sale were interpol:turn on the bright lights, radiohead:ok computer, pearl jam:rearviewmirror, and beck:guero. interpol is a band from n.y. that my brother introduced me to. they sound to me like a cross between radiohead and coldplay. i like them; the only beef i would have is that their guitar playing can grow rather repetitive. good chill out/background music/muzak though. radiohead and pearl jam were both much needed additions to my music collection, and beck intrigued me. i thought he would add some depth to my collection and i knew one song that i liked on guero. the album is different musically from most of the stuff i listen to, but has a nice groove. his poetry style i find quite challenging...short snippets of thoughts strung together.

another band i should mention that i have been enjoying lately is arcade fire. if you enjoy artsy fartsy rock and roll in the genre of the white stripes and so on, check out the arcade fire - a montreal ensemble of canadians and imports. they're quite good.

rum runner

2006-01-23T21:49:00.000-05:00

well, we made it back from alaska ok, after a long flight. we've been getting settled back into a routine of sorts... i guess it's been a month since i last posted. here comes the awful truth - i haven't been interested in blogdom all that much of late. but i'll try to get back into it and post semi-regularly.

we had a good time in alaska. it was very nice to spend some extended time with my family. i am pleased to report that i was introduced to settler's of catan at long last. i loved it, and received the game as a christmas gift, so i'm going to find some people to play with here in k-town. it was a very relaxing time in alaska, lots of game playing, chatting, hanging out, going for drives to see the countryside... much needed r&r.

now i'm back to roofing. i've done some calling around to find an electrical apprenticeship, but it seems those are hard to come by this time of year. slower work time plus required ratios of electricians to apprentices equals no job for me. as april nears i'll keep trying and hopefully find something.

latest news: i'm finally actually trying to start a band. i've asked a couple people and am just waiting to find out who's in and who's not. once we have three or four people we can start to get together and work up some stuff. i really want to do this, but i'm continually plagued by self-doubt ("do i have a good enough voice?" is my main issue) ah well, suck it up brandon, and give it a run.

christmas

2005-12-22T16:21:00.000-05:00

well, i haven't posted in a while... work has been keeping me busy and tired. but now i'm done for the year! saturday karen and i leave to celebrate christmas with her family in ft. erie, then sunday we fly to alaska to spend ten days with my family. we leave from toronto at 5:30 christmas day. i'm really looking forward to spending some time with them.

when i return, i need to get working on the next phase for me work-wise. the roofing thing will only have a couple more weeks worth before it will be done for the winter. i am looking into finding an apprenticeship to become an electrician. i have a contact with a guy here in kingston, and i need to put together a resume and meet with him when we get back in the new year. pray for me...not sure if i'll meet up to the requirements or not! i'm both excited and nervous about this idea. it takes four to five years of apprenticeship and schooling before i will be able to get my ticket as a licenced electrician. i'm nervous because it is another step into the new and unknown, but excited because it is a goal, forward movement, and seems to be the direction God is leading me. it is good to have some direction in my life again. the past months have felt very directionless and that has been frustrating for both karen and myself.

anyway, that's the latest. have a merry christmas all!

overuse injury

2005-12-05T16:48:00.000-05:00

my body is weak.

about a week ago i started feeling my right hand go numb. the feeling progressed to where i had aching through my hand and arm down to my elbow. i finally went to a doctor and found out that i have an overuse injury with some symptoms of carpal tunnel, which basically means i have an inflamed nerve in my wrist or something like that. so now i'm wearing this splint at night, and to work where i lift heavy things all day long, the cause and sustainer of my injury. fun times...

oh so lovely

2005-12-05T16:41:00.000-05:00

here are some pictures of my lovely companion and loving wife, karen. she is a most excellent wife.

my dad

2005-12-04T18:15:00.000-05:00

my dad flew down from alaska a week ago from last friday to visit my grandparents here in kingston, who haven't been doing very well physically. he was here for about a week and flew back to alaska last thursday. it was really nice to be able to visit with him again. while he was here karen and i finally found out that i was clear with my job for us to go to alaska for christmas, so we bought tickets last tuesday. we fly out on christmas day from toronto and return january 5. we are very excited to see my family again. we haven't had a christmas with all of us together for a few years, and it will be nice to see where they are all living. karen's a bit nervous about the cold, but according to my dad, it's comparable to the weather in ottawa, so that's not too bad. i'm looking forward to a christmas with a good winter again...snow flocking the trees and all that. kingston gets too much freezing rain in the winter.

a new camera

2005-12-04T18:07:00.000-05:00

karen was able to get some money through her teacher's union because of their new deal this year, so we finally spent it. we got a new digital camera. after much deliberation, we finally decided on the canon powershot a610. we are very happy with it. we first purchased a nikon, but it was having some problems and we didn't like it after using it for a day or two, so took it back and exchanged for the powershot.

mp3's

2005-11-27T09:44:00.000-05:00

does anyone know how to post mp3's onto a blog? is it possible in blogger?

ode to employment

2005-11-24T16:09:00.000-05:00

after two months unemployed batty was i
dishes lay waiting while the laundry dried
useless at housework compared to my wife
who does in one hour what i did in five

at last prayers were answered, an offer was mine
and now upon rooftops i carry and climb
my body is sore; my muscles are weak
my feet want to lay on their backs for a week

but i wait for tomorrow, for it will bring pay
the reason i labour and toil all day
although there is one more reason i find
doing dishes and laundry all day bites

that was a terrible poem, my apologies for wasting the past three minutes of your life. but it was fun to write. anyway, it's good to have work, but i'm tired out. supposedly after a couple weeks my body will get used to it. and maybe it will help me get into better shape. it's a temporary job, so i'll be looking again in january or february, depending on how the winter weather is. i have an idea for then that karen and i have been praying about...more on that another time.

i need help

2005-11-17T08:30:00.000-05:00

i have been thinking lately (and for those of you who know me well, take cover) about the church tradition of sunday morning services.

here's my question: why do we do church the way we do? that is, why do we have "church" on sunday mornings as a gathering of a small to large number of people with singing and praying and teaching and all that? what is it's purpose? now i don't mean why is it on sunday's rather than saturdays or whatever...i know the church history about that. i mean why do we have this gathering of people in this way that we call church?

here's my reason: i don't always enjoy church on sunday mornings. oh there is the occasional truth that sticks out at me, and there is the connecting with friends that i haven't seen for a week, and i like the music, but really all that can be accomplished more effectively in a small group that i attend on thursday evenings.

here's my problem: i've been taught sunday mornings "aren't about me" so according to that line of thinking my attitude of not getting much out of it is essentially self-centered and wrong. ok, i can see and accept that. so sunday mornings are about gathering to worship God together. about what i can give, not what i can get. how i can serve, not how i can be served. that makes sense, and after all, doesn't the bible say something about not giving up meeting together? however, don't i worship God most effectively by doing what he says to do ("you love me when you do what i say") throughout every day of the week? and can't i worship corporately (meeting together with other believers) in a small group on thursday evening, or by giving and serving in other practical ways? indeed, if i connect better with other believers, learn more effectively, and am able to express my love toward God and people more thoroughly in small group on thursday evening, then what reason is there for me to go to church on sunday?

i'm not wanting to give up going to church on sundays. i may not always enjoy it, but sometimes i do. i am wanting to find a good reason for going. am i doing it merely because tradition and a lifetime of training dictate that all good christians go to church on sunday mornings? or is there a better reason? honestly i hope there is a better reason, because otherwise i'm going to have some serious decisions to make and issues to work through.

i also recognize the possibility that if i actually stopped going to church on sunday mornings that i might feel a lack of something in my life and would realize that i really do need that time with people and God. maybe i should try it.

this is an honest question. i really want to know. ap, sic your theological training on me. other readers, lend me your thoughts. i need help with this one; i'm stumped. why do we "do church" the way we do?

God help me...

2005-11-07T09:12:00.000-05:00

i read some postings by scott williams that i came across via caleb. wow. he is an ex-pastor commenting on some observations about pastors. i only have three years experience working as a pastor, but four years of bible college on top of that, and a lifetime of being a pk church rat to throw in as well. most of what he said hit home with me. and it hurt...in an exposing, healing kind of way.

part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
finale

God help me to learn these lessons now while i have the opportunity to live in the real world.

saved

2005-11-04T16:06:00.000-05:00

ok, on the recommendation of a friend i finally watched the movie saved. it's received a lot of criticism in many christian circles. i thought it was a great satire. well done for a teen flick and in many ways, eerily accurate. made me think...

what did you think about it? (this should be obvious, but keep your trap shut if you haven't watched it)

testify

2005-10-26T07:32:00.000-04:00

as i was cleaning out my office i found this poster from ye olde testify days. thought i would post it for good laughs all round. this one's for you lynn and grady.

i have a small head...

A COLLISION or (3+4=7)

2005-10-20T12:54:00.000-04:00

while at the conference we were led in singing by the david crowder band. this band, for me, has been a shining light among the deluge of crap often passed off as good music. they carefully craft music that goes beyond a mere melody and lyrics, and their newest album takes them to the next level in creative expression.

"a collision, or (3+4=7)" mixes ancient hymns, african american spirituals, good ol' southern bluegrass, electronica, and rock in a fusion that tingles the ear and brings a satisfied smile to the face. crowder & co. include some of their trademark "singables" following the successful models of "can i hear you" and "illuminate" in songs such as "here is our king" and "wholly yours." elsewhere, however, they meld musical styles to bring us into God's presence through everything from a meditative cover of sufjan stevens' "o God, where are you now? (in pickerel lake? pigeon? marquette? mackinaw?)" to a rock opera in "you are my joy." indeed, i think this album is best seen as an opera of sorts, a musical programme put together in such a way that it is best experienced straight through from beginning to end.

poetically, david crowder has honed his craft further to create lyrics that are beautiful, memorable, and layered with meaning. "a beautiful collision" has some good examples of this, but my favorite lyrics are found in "here is our king," especially the line "and what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest, so be quiet now and rest."

all told, it is my opinion that "a collision or (3+4=7)" is the david crowder band's most musically and creatively mature offering to date and a harbinger of great things yet to come.

for another review by a friend, go here.

road trip

2005-10-20T12:39:00.000-04:00

i just got back from my trip to pittsburgh with timmy b, mark b, and ben c, a couple days ago. we had a great time - shared many laughs and made many memories. stopping in to see ap on the way down was definitely a highlight.

for me, it was an odd trip to go on. i just resigned from my position of youth pastor and have no desire to go back to being a youth pastor in the near future....so why go to a youth pastor's convention? other than the fact that i had already bought my ticket...i went for the fun times with the guys and the retreat experience that the conference offered. not so much a retreat into solitude, but a retreat away from the ordinary to spend a weekend listening to what God might want to say through the conference. i had a great time. i didn't hear anything profound from God, but it did confirm for me that where i am at now is a good place to be. i had some good moments of rest in the midst of the craziness and was able to spend some much-coveted time with friends.

the highlight of the trip for me came late saturday evening. the four of us went to get some food and drinks at a nearby restaurant/pub and ended up having a wonderfully deep conversation and sharing time. something was said during that time that really hit me and meant much more to me than they had probably intended for it to... i'll be vulnerable here and tell you... they said that i seemed very authentic/genuine. a comment was made that i seemed a much different person than i was in college...in a good way. coming from the year i have spent allowing God to deconstruct and begin rebuilding my faith, this comment was a God moment for me... saying "see, i am doing something in you. you are becoming who i want you to be. it's working!"

that one moment was, for me, worth the entire trip and hundreds of dollars spent. it was so very encouraging for me....just the kind of thing God knew i needed to hear.

so for ben, mark, and timmy...thank you.

nothing is sound :: switchfoot

2005-10-04T17:18:00.000-04:00

the title gives away this album. nothing is sound; nothing in this world is worth putting our trust in. i found this to be a beautiful album dealing with the reality of brokenness and hope being found in God. it's not stated that blatantly, but that's what poetry is all about... it communicates emotions, not solely propositions. and that is what i find in this album...songs full of the feeling that the world falls apart around us, but in the middle of it all we find hope in God.

when i listen to stars i hear a song about looking to God in the middle of our troubles. "when i look at the stars i see someone else"

when i listen to the shadow proves the sunshine i hear a beautiful song about the brokenness around and within us showing us in an even more powerful way the glory of God "crooked soul trying to stand up straight...the shadow proves the sunshine"

when i listen to easier than love i hear a song lamenting the misuse and abuse of sex in our society "she is easier than love, is easier than life...what have we done, what is the monster we've become"

when i listen to politicians i hear a song about placing one's allegiance and hope in God's kingdom rather than our frail ones full of political rivalries and problems. "we are broken, we are bitter, we're the problems, we're the politicians...i pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians"

i hear songs that are dealing with the issues we face in the world around us with a perspective that is always placing hope in kingdom come. i think they best compare to the laments found in the psalms.

"does justice never find you? do the wicked never lose? is there any honest song to sing besides these blues? ...and nothing is okay until the world caves in" (the blues)

"my wound goes deeper than the skin. there's no hiding it, so i'm not trying it. my hope runs underneath it all, the day that i'll be home. finally back where we belong. finally free." (the setting sun)

jonathan strange and mr. norrell

2005-10-04T16:27:00.000-04:00

i was finally able to get my hands on a copy of jonathan strange and mr. norrell by susanna clarke. i've been trying to get one from the library for months now and ... anyway.

it was excellent. i enjoyed it thoroughly and was hardly able to put it down. karen really doesn't like that characteristic of mine too much, but after a few days of having my nose in the book i finally finished it. all 782 pages.

the writing was very well done. characters were developed to a fault. clarke spent some pages on characters that played hardly any role at all, yet she took the time to introduce each one. sentences were filled with colourful descriptions and the plot development pulled me along in a current that slowly increased in potency until the climax at the end.

jonathan strange and mr. norrell is a book about the revival of english magic set in historical great britain in the early nineteenth century. two magicians arise after two hundred years of no magic in britain and face challenges they would never have imagined. fairies, politicians, ancient kings, war, magic, and avarice are woven into a tapestry of immense colour and proportion.

if you are a fan of reading, of fantasy literature, of historical fiction, then i heartily recommend you check out jonathan strange and mr. norrell by susanna clarke.

another song

2005-10-04T16:16:00.000-04:00

underneath

you say you cannot understand the things i say
how i can think you're beautiful in every way
but what you see and what i see are differerent things
don't you know that i see underneath

underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a daughter of the king
underneath you're beautiful

the longer i am with you, the more i find
lovely, oh my love, stop trying to hide
what you see makes you cry; what i see makes me sing
don't you know that i see underneath

underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a child of the king
(repeat)

don't you know i love you
don't you know i'm here
don't you know i'd give my life for you

'cause underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a child of the king
(repeat)
underneath you're beautiful

recent aquisition

2005-09-15T11:07:00.000-04:00

thanks to the stellar music review skills of my friend grady (review found here), i picked up a copy of the killers: hot fuss. another friend pointed out that they had a limited edition out so i got that one. it has three extra songs on it. we listened to this incredible album quite a bit on the way to and from the coldplay concert in darien lake, which was absolutely amazing. the energy, the quality, the beautiful music soared through my body as i danced, swayed, bobbed and sang my lungs out. i did not leave disappointed. in fact, if i could have, i would have gone again the next night. alas, i only had one spare kidney.

we also were able to enjoy the sweet aroma of burning weed during the concert. our seats were close to one edge of the outdoor arena, and the breeze was blowing in toward us from the smokers on the side. at least it smelled better than cigarettes...it didn't bother me too much. not like the drunk ladies behind us who happened to have the most annoying cackle's i have ever heard. that's right...it wasn't a laugh...it was a cackle. fortunately they weren't too bad during coldplay, more so in the time between rilo kiley and coldplay. ...quite the experience. overall, i had a great time.

if you'd like to read more about coldplay and their concerts, i recommend another grady review found here.

el fine

2005-08-29T09:57:00.000-04:00

i resigned from kingston-west yesterday. well, yesterday was the day it became public. it was a sudden thing of sorts. while i was away at camp at the end of july i felt God leading me in this direction and after much prayer, talking with karen, and thinking about it i finally went through with it.

i didn't resign because of any conflict or anything. everything was going peachy-keen. it's actually an extension of the process God has been working in me over the past year. i am feeling that i need to take some time away from pastoral ministry to chase after God and his leading in fine-tuning my call to ministry. at this point i am not sure what i will do. we are going to stay in kingston to be close to my aging grandparents, and i will look for a job somewhere doing something. hopefully something useful, but you never know.

i am very excited. it's sad saying goodbye to the church after three years, but mostly i am excited for what God has next for us. i am going to be staying in contact with free methodist leadership and finding a mentor through this period so that it is as intentional of a growth period as possible, and hope that at the end of the day i will be more ready to serve again in a church than i am now or ever have been.

september eleven will be my last sunday at the church. two weeks. it will go by fast. pastor mike asked me if i wanted to do anything that sunday, so karen and i will be singing a few songs. one is a song that i wrote especially for that day. the imagery in the song is from the story of peter stepping out of the boat to walk on the water. karen and i have been reading john ortberg's book if you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat and it has been excellent through this time.

take my hand

storm is raging on the sea

life tossed and turned

waves are crashing over me

solid places churned

wonder what's around the bend

what will life hold

now you're calling out my name

time to let go

take my hand, lead me on

lift me up, help me stand

now i'm walking on the waves

miracle in me

follow you for all my days

a new heart i'll see

take my hand, lead me on

lift me up, help me stand

(repeat)

this thing you're asking me to be, to be

not sure if i can

i need your, need your strength in me, in me

then i know i'll stand

so lift me up when i fall down, fall down

and i'll run back into your arms

take my hand, lead me on

lift me up, help me stand

(repeat)

if i had an electric guitar it would have a pop-punk rock-ish sound, but for now i play it on acoustic. i'll have to see if i can get some rough recordings of these to put on here so you can hear my songs instead of just read them. i did some on a tape recorder the other day and they turned out all right. quite rough, but it would give you an idea of what the song feels like. have to figure out how to get them from there to here first though...

anyway, that's the latest in the life of brandon. news that's been coming for a while, but i had to wait until it went public before i posted it here.

x&y

2005-08-18T11:42:00.000-04:00

have i mentioned that i am going to see coldplay september 1? have i told you this yet? have i mentioned how excited i am? oh boy, am i ever excited. i hardly know what to say. i want to pee my pants right now just thinking about it. i can hardly wait.

have i mentioned that i am going to see coldplay?

sermonization and...uhh...

2005-08-16T18:05:00.000-04:00

i'm preaching two sundays from now. it's been a while. i'm thinking i'll develop that thought i wrote about a couple posts back about choice (east of eden). it seems like good sermon fodder and is relevant to what God has been teaching me lately.

on an unrelated note: i hate throwing up, unless it makes me feel better. the day of our move from belleville to kingston was a scorcher, and i was working hard and drinking little. being somewhat out of shape and overweight, i began to feel ill. by the time i had driven the truck to kingston i had that queasy, need to puke feeling. i could barely help unload the truck. i was very grateful for the help we received from the church people that day, but i felt like such a louse just standing there while they carried all the big stuff. i felt awful - on the verge of upchuck but unable to do so. finally after everyone was gone i decided enough was enough. i still had one more load to get (i didn't get a big enough truck so had to make two trips) and knew that i would feel better once it came up, so i walked back in the woods behind the house we moved into and made myself throw up. the worst about throwing up from overheating are the dry heaves that follow the stomach empty-ing heaves. anyway, i laid down for a short nap afterwards and soon was feeling much better. many thanks to all those who helped with our move.

happenings

2005-08-10T12:53:00.000-04:00

thanks all for your comments on the last posting. apologies i haven't put anything up for a while. lots of big stuff happening... we just moved to an apartment in kingston - it's huge, a great blessing from God for us. so my computer has been packed up and we don't have a phone line yet in the new place as bell employees have been on strike and they are behind in their work.

so yeah, i'm doing this from the church so better keep it short. there's more going on too, but i'll update on that toward the end of the month. it'll be sporadic for a while so hang on. if i have any good thoughts i'll put them up, but for now this is all i've got.

oh, for those of you who saw my long hair i got a haircut finally. for those of you who haven't seen me in three years "long" and "cut" are relative terms. it's still longer than in my old bbc days. we have some film to get developed, so maybe we'll get some decent pics i can post. i haven't quite made it to the digital age yet...

not that any of that matters...
anyway, cheerio.

east of eden

2005-07-21T11:38:00.000-04:00

while i was on holidays i read a book called east of eden by john steinbeck. it was really thick and really good. anyway, there was one bit in the book where they got talking about the story of cain and abel from genesis chapter four. one character did a study on the original hebrew of the verse where God tells cain that sin lies at his door and he must master it. anyway, it was quite neat the way steinbeck developed the thought. he showed the character comparing this idea of mastering the sin from several translations... kjv says "thou shalt" master it, communicating an idea that he will conquer the sin, it's predestined for him to do so. but the asv says "do thou," communicating the idea that it is a command for him to do so. the character in the story dug into the original hebrew meaning and found the word timshel which means in the character's words "thou mayest." this idea is communicated in most modern translations as "you must," or "you've got to," or "you should" rule/master/conquer it, which communicates the idea that cain had a choice - not a command, not predestined to succeed or fail, but a choice that he had to make. steinbeck's character in the story was impacted with the import of that truth, saying, "that makes a man of you!"

it is so true! knowing that God has woven into the design of our world the opportunity for us to make real choices and decisions with real consequences that echo in eternity makes men and women of us! it means that we matter, that we have worth, that God says we are important. it means that everything that i do counts for something. it means that i have the opportunity to be a slimeball or to be someone great. it means that God has given me the potential to be good, to do rightly, to become what i was created to be. the opportunity to be a man lies at my feet waiting for me to take it. it is my choice, given to me by a God who designed me with the capacity to grow and become and choose.

steinbeck's east of eden dealt with this theme throughout the book, showing characters wrestling to discover their hidden goodness and strength, battling with the sin on their doorstep, the temptations drawing them, wondering if they were destined to repeat the sins of their fathers and mothers, struggling to live rightly. steinbeck ends his book with a father blessing his son who was wrestling with this very issue by saying, "timshel" - thou mayest.

choice, it makes a man of you.

camping

2005-07-21T11:27:00.000-04:00

well, karen and i had a good camping trip. she's a trooper. we had great weather for the first two days - hot, sunny, perfect for swimming at the beach or lounging in my chair reading a book. saturday, however, the heavens opened and unleashed a deluge complete with thunder and lightning. it was great. i convinced karen that we should go for a bike ride in the rain, so we did. we went down a trail through the forest that we had walked the day before. it was awesome and we were completely soaked by the end. good times. the rest of that day and that evening was a little wet, but we were mostly dry in our little tent and the rain let up enough for us to pack up the next day. i gave everything a good hosing down and drying out when we got home.

now tomorrow we're off to severn bridge camp north of orillia. i was there three years ago and we're going back this year. they asked me to be the youth coordinator/director/whatever for their family camp. should be a fun time. so i'll be back home the 31st.

cheerio.

holidays

2005-07-14T08:33:00.000-04:00

this week i took off for a week of holidays and much needed rest. we just returned from visiting with my aunt and uncle (and cousin) in pennsylvania. we had a good time seeing some of the amish culture in lancaster and taking in the Ruth play at sights and sounds theatre.

today we are heading to lake simcoe for some camping. this will be karen and my first camping trip together, and her first trip for more than one night. and the weather forecast says possible rain, so i'm a little nervous. i'm praying for sunny days.

life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?

2005-07-05T11:14:00.000-04:00

i read a post here that brought to mind thoughts i have about the USA. for background, the bulk of the first seventeen years of my life were lived there. i am an american citizen and was raised in that environment. my home was a mixture of american and canadian culture with an american mother and canadian father. with that, i was blessed with parents who did not accept all as it would seem, but gave me the ability to critique and evaluate for myself when it came to countries and where i would call home.

the post i read talked about the founding principles of the USA - the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. this is what i would like to talk about for a bit. actually i would like to spark a friendly debate. i have an issue i struggle with...

i struggle with these founding principles of the USA. rather, i struggle with reconciling them with my growing understanding of the gospel of jesus christ. to put it plainly, i think they stem from and encourage a worldview that is not compatible with what jesus calls us to in this world.

rights: as a christian i give up my rights, i am a slave of God sent to serve those around me. i have no "right" to demand my "rights" - however, i also recognize that the issues of justice and so on that the founding fathers were fighting for are things that all people should, ideally, experience. i just struggle with the idea that as a christian i would fight for my "rights"

life and liberty: again, as a christian i am guaranteed no such thing. i heard about a chinese pastor the other day who had been imprisoned several times for his faith, and as he was in prison, his parishoners were not praying for his release, but that he would have the strength to share jesus where he was at. also, in scripture i see no promises of liberty or even life - instead jesus asks me to give up my life to serve people around me.

pursuit of happiness: this is the main one that i struggle with - as a christian am i ever, anywhere in scripture, told that i have a right to pursue personal happiness? i have not seen it. i have seen that happiness comes from pursuing God. this idea that we have a right to pursue happiness seems to me to be centrally selfish. it may not be, but that is how it seems to me.

i do not mean to offend, please pardon me if i do. rather, this is coming from one who was raised in the USA and taught from early childhood that these founding principles were the glorious pinnacle of governmental principles based on christian ideals. now, however, i wonder if they really are, or if they just seem really nice...

i am not meaning to critique the USA or the intentions of the founding fathers, but rather to ask genuine questions from my own searching as i seek to discover what being a christian is really all about, and whether what i was taught as a child is really all it is often thought to be...

what are your thoughts? please, no angry venom here...i want honest discussion of the core issues i addressed. i welcome your opinions.

atrocities in darfur

2005-06-28T10:56:00.000-04:00

i saw a young woman in our church wearing a green band the other day. coloured silicone bands seem to be all the rage these days...every cause has it's own colour band. so i asked her what it was for. found out it was about the atrocities that have been going on for two years in the darfur region of sudan. i had not heard about them. so i asked her to send me some information. she did. i read about it here.

terrible stuff. war crimes of all sorts. a UN commission found that

Government forces and militias conducted indiscriminate attacks, including killing of civilians, torture, enforced disappearances, destruction of villages, rape and other forms of sexual violence, pillaging and forced displacement, throughout Darfur on a widespread and systematic basis.

this is awful stuff! you can read more here. i'm not even sure what to do about it. here is info about a protest in montreal august 25. it is the only event in canada they had scheduled on their website.

Canada (event id#8)
Description: Protest 2:00pm, August 25th
Directions: Wallenberg Memorial, 600 De Maisoneuve West, Montreal
Event Type: Public
Contact Name: Chaim Steinmetz
Contact Info: rabbi@tbdj.org (514) 489-3841

student ministry website

2005-06-27T20:39:00.000-04:00

i recently conscripted a young woman in our church to create a website for our student ministry. well, i asked her and she consented.

anyway, i thought i was doing a good job of delegation and all that stuff i'm supposed to be good at when all of a sudden she asked me what she was going to put on the website. i quickly realized that creating a website includes quite a bit more than just designing it. so currently the ball is in my court as i gather information and write bits for the site.

have any of you developed websites for your ministries? any advice? can you give me the links to your sites so i can look at them and steal, i mean borrow, stuff?

white band day

2005-06-27T20:20:00.000-04:00

july 1 is international white band day.

I follow in mr. lapointe's foosteps as i quote from makepovertyhistory.ca.

International White Band Day, July 1, will see people around the world wearing white bands and wrapping public buildings in white to send a message to the G8 world leaders that we demand action on
More and Better Aid
Canceling the Debt
Trade Justice
Ending Child Poverty in Canada

wear or display a white band. log on to makepovertyhistory.ca to email prime minister martin and encourage him to take action.

i will be and have.

theological worldview

2005-06-16T10:34:00.000-04:00

i took a quiz today here that told me this about my theological worldview. interesting...

You scored as Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan. You are an evangelical in the Wesleyan tradition. You believe that God's grace enables you to choose to believe in him, even though you yourself are totally depraved. The gift of the Holy Spirit gives you assurance of your salvation, and he also enables you to live the life of obedience to which God has called us. You are influenced heavily by John Wesley and the Methodists.

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan

86%

Emergent/Postmodern

82%

Neo orthodox

61%

Charismatic/Pentecostal

39%

Reformed Evangelical

36%

Roman Catholic

36%

Classical Liberal

32%

Fundamentalist

21%

Modern Liberal

18%

What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com

gifted teens

2005-06-10T16:29:00.000-04:00

i went to a highschool band end-of-year performance last night. it was in the cafeteria and was swelteringly humid and hot. there were ten or twelve teens involved in it that i knew. they all did a great job. one of the guys put together a video picture presentation that was very good. i know who i'll ask next time i need one done! two of the girls also sang a song that they had written while on a band trip. it was amazing. i knew that they had written one, but i hadn't heard it yet. one of the girls is usually quiet and reserved, but has a very beautiful voice so i am trying to build into her confidence whenever i can. the two of them blended beautifully, but it was the message of the song that really stuck out at me. it was all about God accepting us just as we are. it was so beautiful. that was the highlight of the night for me.

it makes me new

2005-06-10T16:18:00.000-04:00

i wrote another song last night. i'm working on an album project. absolutely no idea when or where or how i'll ever record it, but it's fun putting songs together. it will be called "the end of the world as i knew it" or something like that and will be songs chronicling my spiritual journey of the past year. i've been wanting to write a song about God's love to put on it. it finally came last night. it's still unfinished, but i wanted to put it on here. check it out:

it makes me new

who am i to stumble by and think that i could ever do to please you
frail man that i am, still i go to try - try and try again
why do i try to try then fall down on my face and cry "i need you"
whisper, whisper in my ear and tell me that you'll take me as i am

this life i lead so many times feels so dry - so dry, so empty inside
i wonder why, when can i find this river wide, life inside, river deep - deep and wide

your love is all around me, it makes me new
the songs you sing over me - they cry out "i love you! i love you!"

the greatest thing - i'll sing and sing - about this love, the kind of love that frees you
freed man that i am, now i'll always sing - sing and sing again
life is new, found in you, and from now on i'll live my life to please you
you whispered, whispered in my ear and told me that you love me as i am

the life i led so many times felt so dry - so dry, so empty inside
but now i cry, you gave me life - a river wide, life inside, river deep - deep and wide

your love is overwhelming, it makes me new
the songs you sing over me - they cry out "i love you! i love you!"

makepovertyhistory.ca

2005-06-07T23:12:00.000-04:00

i've been learning during the past six months or so more about world issues regarding fair trade and poverty. there is much that we can do as a nation of rich people. today i have begun to act.

although i do not have millions or even thousands of dollars to give to help in the cause, i do have a voice. tonight i joined the big noise at maketradefair.com and sent some letters to some canadian politicians (in an effort to persuade them to make the right decision at the upcoming G8 summit in scotland) at makepovertyhistory.ca.

i am also going to try to order some of the white bands from makepovertyhistory.ca to support the cause and hopefully attend the Live8 concert in ottawa if it happens on july 2.

this is a new thing for me...getting involved in these types of things. but the more i learn about jesus the more i think that he would care about these issues. and that gives me courage.

visit the sites. use your voice. we can make a difference.

episode three

2005-05-31T11:47:00.000-04:00

karen and i watched star wars: episode three the other week, and it had an intensely spiritual impact on me. let me explain.

first off i'll say that i'm not a big star wars fan. i didn't even know what they were until highschool and didn't watch all three of the originals till college. i thought one and two were pretty cheesy so i wasn't sure what to expect from episode three other than a tying together of the story.

as i had watched one and two, anakin's obvious decline had been bothering me. he started off as such a beautiful boy, so to imagine him becoming the dreadful darth vadar was no fun. when i watched the original three, darth vadar was this hateful character. i just wanted him to die so that right would triumph. episode three tied together the journey from beautiful boy to the dark side, and i found it incredibly disturbing and spiritual.

i have been learning much of late about God's love and have been re-understanding my view of our sinful nature being characterized primarily by a brokenness, a terrible wound that affects us all, resulting in a tendency toward wrong choices. i have been learning to see us through God's eyes, as people that he loves no matter where we are or what we do, and his redemptive action is an action to free a captive people as well as to forgive rebellious children. our rebelliousness is the natural result of our woundedness.

so as i watched anakin's decline i found myself seeing him through the eyes of a loving father rather than of a hateful enemy. i began to understand the evil that he became as the natural result of wrong choices and deceit from the evil one. he didn't become evil overnight. he was drawn toward it by good desires led astray into wrong choices. it was a gradual process until he reached the point of no return. i cannot hate darth vadar any longer, but rather feel remorse and pity for what he became.

as i watched anakin's decline and began to realize that i no longer hated darth vadar, i began to understand in a greater degree how God sees us in our sinfulness - how God sees me in my sinfulness. he does not hate us even when we become so fallen into sin. i began to understand in a much deeper way the love of God for sinful, fallen humanity. i began to understand better how God could love the most sin-twisted soul just as much as he loves the greatest saint. because he sees the whole picture, just as i now see the whole picture for anakin. God knows that we were all supposed to be beautiful. we are all supposed to be good. and he doesn't hate us for our sinfulness, but rather loves us and gives his very life to free us from our bondage.

this is very good news.

new format

2005-05-20T09:04:00.000-04:00

as you can see, i've changed the format of my blog. i was getting bored with the other one, so now i have a new name for the blog and a new look as well. i will be working on getting the links and everything back up and running as i have time in the next week or so.

shades of grey

2005-05-19T16:42:00.000-04:00

i find anne lamott's writing challenges my faith in uncomfortable and troublesome ways. i read about her walk through life being so messy yet full of trust in God, holding significantly different theological positions from myself yet possessing an honesty and heart for service that put my selfish heart to shame. she writes of life in a way that is both troubling and beautiful. as i read i find myself simultaneously laughing and crying, in the same moment disagreeing with her and wishing with all my heart for a mere morsel of the honest faith that she seems to posess. i find the things about life with God that i have for so long thought to be so important, so black and white, beginning to fade into shades of grey. this bothers me. this confuses me. this makes me question and wonder and cry out to God with silent tearful sobs of longing. where is the life that Jesus promised us, promised me? the life that this woman, with all her weaknesses and mistakes, seems to grasp and hold onto with such abundance and wonderful reckless abandon. how can i find this? this freedom to love myself, to forgive my failings and constant inability to measure up to any kind of standard that i ever thought was important.

the terrible truth that is slowly sinking into my heart is that i am hopelessly lost, utterly unable to pull myself out of my self-centered existence for one minute to genuinely love a fellow being. i am completely incabable of this, to think of another above myself long enough to actually begin to live that way. to forget about myself long enough to see myself as Jesus sees me, and to begin to like myself as i am - or even love myself. this is a beginning at least...to know that i am lost. for it is here, in my lost-ness, that i begin to cry out the most genuine prayers that i can pray. prayers that don't have any words because i don't know the words, don't really even know what to ask for or say. i only know that i need help. maybe that is the best prayer of all, "help!"

anne lamott

2005-05-19T16:14:00.000-04:00

i just finished reading anne lamott's new book plan b: further thoughts on faith. it was another one of those books that i started reading and didn't stop until i had finished it. seems i've been finding a lot of those lately... except this one was 320 pages.

here are a couple quotes i liked:

One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.

this was my favorite one:

Rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole.

what if...

2005-05-14T12:42:00.000-04:00

i've really been thinking a lot lately about what my faith really is and how that will affect how i live my life. essentially i've been rediscovering what my faith is all about. it seems somewhat strange - for a kid who grew up in church and graduated from bible college with a four year degree in religion to just now be catching on to what it's all about. but really i don't know any other way to explain it. it's like what i've known for so long in my head is finally starting to make sense in my heart. and it's been an agonizing process.

what has really been resonating with me of late has been the idea, or truth, that God loves me unconditionally. i have known this for years, but i have been realizing that my idea of God has been of a god who wants me to behave right and keeps track of all my failings to make sure i have asked forgiveness for them and all that. i am leaving that god behind. the God i am discovering, and the God i believe revealed himself in the bible and in Jesus Christ, is a God who loves me without end, as i am - not as i should be, and who accentuates the good in me, not the bad.

here's a thought i was chewing on last night. what if Jesus Christ took all of God's punishment for sin upon himself so that God no longer punishes sin? what if what we often interpret as punishment for sin is really the natural consequence of choosing to walk away from God? more importantly, what if when God looks at my failings he no longer sees them as something worthy of punishment, but as something that prevents me from running toward him? in other words, what if God sees every person from a relational perspective rather than a legal one because the legal stuff has all been taken care of through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? what if God now sees every person as a prodigal son guilty and imprisoned - the father has paid the bail to free every person and pardoned their guilt - now he is doing all he can to get us to leave our cells and come home? if sin creates a chasm between us and God, and if God cannot be in relationship with sinful people because his very nature demands holiness, and if Jesus Christ filled that chasm in so that we can now approach God and enter into relationship with him, then what happens when i sin as a christ-follower? if sin creates a chasm, wouldn't my relationship be instantly broken as it was for adam and eve? ahhh, here's the beauty of it all. if all of God's judgment for sin was taken by Christ and God no longer sees my sin as something to judge, then my relationship with God is secure in knowing that his love covers a multitude of my sins and he lovingly chooses to stick with me through all my screw-ups and help me to keep running toward him. in other words, what if God cannot judge my sin any more because doing so would mean that he cannot be in relationship with me? and any consequences we experience at the end of life are due to our own choice to run toward God or away from him, not from an act of judgment by God himself. this transforms as well our idea of hell. hell not as a place where God banishes people as an act of judgment, but a place where God allows people to experience the consequences of their choice to be absent from him. we condemn ourselves to hell when we reject relationship with God.

for me this is a transformational way of thinking about God. if God no longer judges my sin (all judgment has been taken by Christ) then i no longer have to feel shame for my failings. i mean this not to say that we should feel no remorse or guilt and sin as much as we want, but that those persistent nagging feelings of shame and self-loathing that for me are often associated with failings are merely useless projections. projections because i often imagine God seeing me as i see myself and as a result think that i need to try really hard to be a better person so that i will make him happy. with this other way of seeing things, i am realizing that God likes me just as much in my sinful state as he does in my righteous state, and knowing that gives my soul rest. i don't have to try as hard - in this i live to please as a response to love, not as a requirement to be loved. and this is way easier to do when i know he already likes me and is pleased with me.

the love of God is greater far...

2005-05-07T21:33:00.000-04:00

i had a great trip to nb with my dad. i was able to see some friends i hadn't seen in a while and be there with my sister for her graduation. it was a really good trip for me.

my dad brought me a copy of some messages by brennan manning that i have been listening to. they are excellent. it is a series of five sermons given at a camp in washington state and the overall topic is healing our image of God and ourselves. he says that the primary message of Jesus is that God is abba - daddy - and that is how we are to address him. how are we to pray? our father, our abba, our daddy, who is in heaven... manning says that God loves us as we are, not as we should be, and that this absolutely unbreakable and unearned love can heal our identity and transform our life.

anyway, his thoughts are really hitting me where i need it and are tying in well with what i have been learning from other reading i've been doing - especially from searching for God knows what by donald miller. i really think i am understanding the true message of the gospel better than i ever have in my life. it is becoming something i understand rather than just know. God is up to something in my life.

on an unrelated note: the past two weeks have been car hell or something like that. my car is a 1995 toyota corolla that is in good shape with low kilometers and up to this point has given me little trouble. however, before i went to nb i had to replace a seized caliper on the front left wheel - $400 (cha-ching). while in nb it overheated and i had to get some quick repairs in sussex before we drove home - $40 (cha-ching). when i got home, it overheated on me while i was driving to church. i never made it to church because i had to get my car towed into canadian tire to find out what was wrong - $50 (cha-ching). i found out that i had to replace the head gasket. i have yet to get it back from the shop, but it will probably be $1000+ (cha-ching). and to top it off, today on karen's car (2002 mazda protege 5 sport) we had to replace a seized caliper (dejavu?), except this time on the rear right wheel. God be praised the warranty covered most of it. when it rains it pours, as my grandmother says.

i'm on my way

2005-04-21T18:28:00.000-04:00

i'm making the trip.

yes, i am driving to Noveau Brunswick. i've done it once since graduation three years ago and hated it. it took so much longer than i remembered! plus i got a speeding ticket from some grumpy french cop, or was i the grumpy one? anyway, i'm coming back next week for my sister's graduation. my dad is flying into toronto and we are driving up together. i figure one more visit to ye olde alma mater can't hurt too much.

i would love to see as many of you my friends as possible in that short time. we will arrive thursday early afternoon and leave friday early afternoon. so i have a few hours to visit.

you know who you are. let's make it happen.

a rant ... of sorts

2005-04-13T20:55:00.000-04:00

right now in canada the big deal is the fight for the traditional definition of marriage. i have struggled with this. i believe strongly in marriage. i think that it is one of the greatest illustrations we have of relationship with God, and one of the greatest opportunities we have to love on people (in and through the marriage and family). i also believe the practice of homosexuality is a distortion of God's good intention for us and contrary to his good plan for us. however, i cannot in good conscience join the fight for the traditional definition of marriage.

why? several reasons. i think that the church on the whole (there are exceptions) has done a terrible job of loving those we don't like. homosexual people already face persecution in our culture, and instead of providing a safe haven the church has contributed to the persecution. we have become a place where people are afraid to admit their weaknesses, struggles, and sinful behaviour for fear that they will be judged, condemned, or shunned. i am afraid that fighting to defend the traditional definition of marriage only contributes to an already ugly image that our culture has of the christian church. i realize that Christ told us that the world will hate us, but are they supposed to hate us because we hate them back or because our love and acceptance is so radical that they can't stand it?

donald miller in searching for God knows what puts voice to some thoughts that have been developing in me better than i ever could. here is some of what he said:

As a Christian, I believe Jesus wants to reach out to people who are lost and, yes, immoral - immoral just like you and I are immoral; and declaring war against them and stirring up [people] to the point of anger and giving them the feeling that their country, their families, and their lifestyles are being threatened is only hurting what Jesus is trying to do. This isn't rocket science. If you declare war on somebody, you have to either handcuff them or kill them. That's the only way to win. But if you want them to be forgiven by Christ, if you want them to live eternally in heaven with Jesus, then you have to love them. ...So go ahead and declare war in the name of a conservative agenda, but don't do it in the name of God. That's what militant Muslims are doing in the Middle East, and we don't want that here. (pp. 188-189)

A moral message, a message of us vs them, overflowing in war rhetoric, never hindered the early message of grace, of repentance toward dead works and immorality in exchange for a love relationship with Christ. War rhetoric against people is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers. In fact, even today, moralists who use war rhetoric will speak of right and wrong, and even some vague and angry god, but never Jesus. Listen closely, and I assure you, they will not talk about Jesus.

In my opinion, if you hate somebody because they are different from you, you'd best get on your knees and repent until you can say you love them, until you have gotten your soul right with Christ.

I can't say this clearly enough: If we are preaching morality without Christ, and using war rhetoric to communicate a battle mentality, we are fighting on Satan's side. This battle we are in is a battle against the principalities of darkness, not against people who are different from us. In war you shoot the enemy, not the hostage. (pp. 190-191)

a new kind of christian

2005-04-12T14:38:00.000-04:00

i finished reading a new kind of christian by brian mclaren today. it was very thought provoking. i have that feeling like i was privileged to listen in on a conversation that was incredibly insightful, but that also sent me reeling. i feel like there is so much that i've already forgotten, so much to ponder, so much to let sink in. i think i need to let my mind soak for a while. in fact, my mind is so overloaded, i don't even have the wherewithall to post a summary of some of the most challenging ideas here for discussion. maybe later.

for now, if you have read the book, what did you think of his ideas about modern and postmodern, individual and corporate salvation, and/or heaven and hell?

brokenness and relationship

2005-04-09T17:54:00.000-04:00

on my journey thus far (read about it here) i am finally coming to a place where i am beginning to see the light. i cannot express how wondrous that is. light means hope and joy and life and - of all things - emotion. i am beginning to feel God again!

part of my journey includes asking searching questions like what does it really mean to be a christian? how does one become a christian? what would cause a rich, successful, kind, generous, for all appearances "got it together" kind of person to desire to be a christian? why is christianity something that every person should subscribe to? what makes it something that everyone needs, whether rich or poor, kind or a jerk? as i ponder these kinds of questions, i am slowly becoming more and more convinced that the message of christianity, the message of jesus, is incomplete and useless without an understanding of our brokenness. unless we first understand that we are all screwed up, that each one of us has contributed in some way to the filth and sin that surrounds us, then there is no need for a messiah. jesus is the solution to a worldwide problem, and unless we recognize that problem we will never recognize jesus for who he is. i am becoming more and more convinced that this is all that our faith is about. God came to rescue us, to restore us to relationship with him. it's not about morality, it's not about politics, it's not about heaven and hell, it's about restoring a broken relationship.

as i continue down the road, my mentor has assigned me to read two books: searching for God knows what by donald miller, and a new kind of christian by brian mclaren. i just finished the former last night around 12:30 am. it was excellent. and the coolest thing about it was that his book was exactly about what i have been thinking about like i described above. except that his thoughts were much more fully developed and he said it much better than i ever could. this book for me was a reinforcing and further developing of the core idea that i was becoming convinced our faith is really all about.

in his book, miller formulates our faith as a relationship with God, begun in the garden of eden and tragically broken through the deception and betrayal of adam and eve. the rest of the bible then is the story of God slowly and lovingly restoring that broken relationship. the bible does not include a how-to list for getting right with God. there are no bullet points or theological charts. there are stories, poems, visions, songs, parables, and letters. these are the literature of relationship, of heart and soul. the answer to man's problem is not in believing some fact, but in God himself. we find new life not in believing that jesus is God, but in giving ourselves to him in relationship as a bride gives herself to her husband in a marriage union. and scripture is full of God's love, anger, and passion as he patiently works to restore us from our betrayal.

miller begins by first establishing that our faith is best understood as relationship with God, then develops a comprehensive personality theory explaining human behavior as a direct result of God's absence. he says that we were designed to be in relationship with God, and without that we will die. the result of adam and eve's sin was death because their sin destroyed their relationship with God, it cut them off from God and without God humans die.

i could go on, but you would be better off reading the book for yourself. i thought it was one of the best explanations i have ever heard for the entire message of the bible. every theological tenet i believe in makes more sense when understood in this framework of relationship. it explains our brokenness, our need for God, why we die, why we wear clothes, why jesus matters, why the jews were chosen, why the ten commandments were given, and most importantly, why people have and do die rather than give up their faith in jesus christ. it's not a new idea, but it is, for me, a most beautiful way to understand my faith.

have you read it? what did you think?

another song

2005-03-31T16:50:00.000-05:00

here's another song i've written. it kindof goes along with my story from a few posts back. it's a song dealing with the frustration of feeling at a place where i was lost but didn't know exactly where to turn or how to get out. i debated with myself about putting some redemptive uplift near the end, but decided to leave it with the frustrating feeling of lostness. my redemption finds it's voice in other songs. this is one of my favorite songs that i have written so far, and it is my first rock song. (most of my stuff is pretty mellow)

the 23rd floor

i awoke to realize, safety crumbles as i rise
the world around i thought i knew, when i arrived it crumbled too
as soon as i stepped out the door, confusion knocked me to the floor
she opened up her arms to me, then she bent me over her knee

choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor

the way ahead had seemed so clear, but now there's no direction here
jumping ship had crossed my mind, don't worry dad i'm doing fine
i picked a door and headed in, obedience or was it sin
a thousand more doors lay before, wonder what's in door twenty four

choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd

dichotomy of two extremes
while i am choking in between

choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor