i haven't had much to say lately...
i really don't know what to write most days. i'd rather just go to bed. there are some thoughts swirling around occasionally, but when they do i don't have the gumption to bother writing them down. maybe i should. make it more of a discipline...open journal so to speak.
yesterday i was feeling a little blue. i realized much of my life is spent simply reacting to my world. this is a bad thing. i go to work and do what i need to do to get through the day, looking forward to august when i will be finished with roofing. always looking forward to that break around the corner...that day when my life will move from this feeling of in-between limbo to some kind of permanence. i go home to my wife and son and do what i need to do to keep them happy. i go to rustle and some days i feel like i am just looking for something to do to fill my time.
this is not how i want to live.
i want to look forward to what i can create. i want to make something happen. i want to be proactive, creative, active in participating with God in making my life what it needs to be, in doing what i need to do. i want to be actively working to make our home a wonderful place where karen and gabe can thrive. i want to be a positive force for good in my workplace, grateful for a job, grateful for each day i get to live. i want to come to rustle ready to give my all in loving and serving, passionately doing what God has created me to do best, knowing that i am doing what i need to be doing. i don't want to sit around and let life happen, i want to make life happen.
but i don't. why? when will i start? what am i waiting for?
this sucks. God help me. someone help me.
we had some questions we had to answer in group a couple months ago that relate to what i am thinking about today as i prepare for sunday. it's about choosing our travelling companions wisely, about the influence that environment has on us, about developing intentional relationships that help us move toward wholeness.
i had a really hard time with those questions. i don't easily open my soul to people to let them help me grow. i keep my tender parts buried deep inside me, preferring to expose easily dealt with cracks instead. i don't share my real thoughts and fears and struggles with very many people. in short, i need to find some travelling companions.
it's not that i don't have any. it's that i don't let them get inside me.
where do i go when i feel depressed, afraid, sad, insecure, unfinished? i go inside myself. lot's of good help there you can be sure (insert sarcastic grimace here).
wonder bread.
someone give me a kick in the ass.
5.25.2007
inside my head
5.07.2007
it's alive!
some of you may have wondered where i've been. others may not have noticed.
if you're interested there are new pictures on my flikr page.
go here to see them.
that is all.
goodnight.
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