hey, i have a question for any readers out there. some of my good friends seem to spew venom every now and again at the EC "movement." i wonder how we can discern the difference between doing old things in new ways and completely throwing out old things. i didn't say that very well. here's my issue. i don't like going to church. i am a pastor, but i wish most sundays that i didn't have to go. now, i serve in a wonderful church. not perfect, but wonderful. God works there, people seem to like it - except me. i can still worship, i still love the people there, but i don't get excited about going. it doesn't wake me up in the morning with that feeling of "hurrah, i get to go to church today." i don't very often look forward to sunday mornings...if ever. to me it seems like something's missing for me. i connect better with God in other places than i do in church. and i wonder not if what we are doing there is wrong, but if there is another way of doing church that would make the gospel more real in the lives of people like myself.
now there is a fine line between my being selfish and consumerist in expecting church to "meet my needs" and my expectation that the gospel lived out in a church community should be relevant to real needs in my life. i don't want to be a selfish pig, but i do want to enjoy church. i want to be excited to go celebrate with my community of believers. i'm not. why? ...i find that some of the questions being asked in the EC community are good ones. ones that i identify with.
so i wonder...for people like me - how do i find church that is real and relevant without throwing out the baby with the bathwater? and as a pastor working in a wonderful church that God is using but that i don't always like attending - how can i become a creator, not a destoyer? i don't want to be a whiner, but a helper.
i know that worship is about God - not about me, and all that. but here's the crux. teaching, community, etc.. should reach into felt needs in a person's life. the gospel lived out in a church community should be the answer to our deepest questions, hurts, and needs. when those needs, hurts, and questions are not being met and answered, then i have to ask if there is a better way to "do church." when a person feels safer being themself in a local pub than they do in church, something is wrong. hence the EC community conversations. maybe church should be in the local pub. (grin) i don't know. i just have a lot of questions right now. any advice? what do you think?
2.16.2005
EC and me
2.11.2005
blue like jazz
this book, "Blue Like Jazz" by donald miller, was recommended to me recently. i bought a copy and sat down to read it. i didn't get up again until i had read the whole thing. miller calls it "nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality." i call it food for my soul. this book was a God moment for me. if you ever have questions, doubts, wonderings about your faith like i have, then this book is a must read. i loved it.
brian mclaren said this about it,
"I can think of no better book than Blue Like Jazz to introduce Christian spirituality (a way of life) to people for whom Christianity (a system of beliefs) seems like a bad math problem or a traffic jam. Donald Miller writes like a good improv solo - smooth, sweet, surprising, uplifting, and full of soul and fury and joy. When I finished the last page, I felt warmed, full of hope, and confident that this great book will echo with beauty in many, many lives as it is doing in mine."
also, thanks to those of you who replied to my last post. i appreciate your thoughts. thank you for the reminder to live in the tension between feeling the responsibility for those entrusted to me, yet leaving the results of my ministry up to God. if you have more thoughts or ideas, please continue the conversation.
2.03.2005
a ministry riddle
so, i've been a youth pastor now for two and a half years. many days - most days in fact - i feel like i hardly know what i'm doing, or like i'm spinning my wheels but not really getting much done.
i have worked hard to build a great student ministry. we have a great team of adult leaders (i started with one and now have nine). we have a fun youth night filled with games, teaching, music, and hanging out (we call it expedition). we go to events. we laugh together. we have small group on tuesday nights.
but many days it feels so useless, so empty. i am beginning to think that maybe i have spent too much energy and time building programs that i haven't focused enough on time with teens, or teaching my leaders to spend time with teens. or something....
i see my kids - most of them born and raised in church - and i wonder how many of them will still be in church in five years. how many of them really love jesus? how many of them are just faking their way through - doing what everyone expects them to do? and how can i help them find the real jesus?
here's the issue. i am beginning to hate programs and programming. i really dislike planning events and organizing transportation and gathering permission forms. i really dislike planning a big "invite your friends" new year's eve bash and then walking away from it wondering if it was any use at all. i feel like all i really want to do is hang out with them - but i actually get to do that so little. i suppose it is much my own fault, but i wonder if there is also something fundamentally flawed in my view of what a good youth ministry looks like.
more and more i don't want to care about how many teens are there - or more importantly - how many there are compared to this time last year. i don't want to plan big events that seem empty of any real impact on life. i don't want expedition to just feel like more church. i don't want being a youth pastor to be about going to events and organizing things for teens to do so they have nice christian activities to go to. all i want to do is see people commit themselves to follow jesus no matter what. i want to walk with them through the ups and downs of life and maybe get to have a small part to play in how they walk. that's it - that's all. and i am beginning to wonder if planning all these things really helps in that process at all. does it do more to help us find real life together, or does it help perpetuate the "church as 'holy club'" mindset.
i make one request. please do not comment on this post if you are just going to tell me the same things i've heard a million times in classes and books and from people all over the place: "youth ministry is about relationships." "focus on the teens, not the programs." "programs are a tool to help us build relationships." "just be real in front of them." blah blah blah. i know all these things - why do you think i'm frustrated?
i am struggling with the tension of my job as minister and my job as administrator. in other words, how to reconcile and balance my time with people and my time in the office. i think that so far i have fallen too far on the office side of things and it is making me really frustrated. also i am learning things about myself and my view of what the church is supposed to be that make me more and more frustrated with church the way it is. so the combination has resulted in this post - a sad blurtation of frustration, questions, and ...stuff.
that's all for now.
