i was reading genesis three today and the part where adam and eve hide from God "because they were naked" stuck out at me. I got to thinking about how sin separates us from God. We hear a lot about how God cannot remain near sin, thus his people must be made holy. But if you read the story God didn't withdraw from man, man withdrew from God.
I know when I do something I know I shouldn't that affects someone else, when I do something that hurts another, the last thing I want to do is talk to them. My reaction is the same as Adam and Eve's, to hide. I experience a sensation within me, a sinking in my stomach, a feeling that it would be the worst thing in the world to face that person with my dirty hands, to expose my nakedness. I do not want to be seen as I am, sinful, full of mistake and hurt. I want to hide.
It is by the grace of God that we can learn to approach with humility and receive the forgiveness he offers. The wonder and joy is found in realizing that God does not think less of me for my sin. The shame that I feel does not come from him. It is that shame that drives us apart. God comes exposing our sin with truth so that he can wash away the shame with forgiveness and restore the relationship.
Adam and Eve were banished from the garden. Childbearing and the ground were cursed because of them. There were direct consequences of what they did. But God didn't leave them. He made them clothes so they would not continually feel exposed. In chapter four after Cain killed Abel, it is said that he "left the Lord's presence." He didn't just leave his family and fields, he left God's presence. God was still with them. He didn't leave after sin entered the world. He stuck around to work things out.
He is here now. Forgiving my sin, wiping away my shame, covering my nakedness, staying with me to bring me to the day our relationship can be as glorious and pure as it once was with Adam and Eve in the garden.
11.13.2007
oh how we hide
11.10.2007
here and there
i must confess i'm finding this disciplines thing difficult. i guess that's the reason it's called a discipline. i like to excuse myself by thinking it's hard to get back into something after not doing it for a few years, but who am i kidding. i just have to stop the talk and start at some point.
i've read some bits in genesis here and there. i'm at about chapter three. i find myself getting side-tracked a bit with nit-picky bits. i grew up loving the whole creation/evolution controversy, so when i read the beginning of genesis much of it has ties in those kinds of conversations for me. additionally, i find myself getting distracted with wierd questions like, how do we know that the snake in the garden was satan? how do we know it wasn't just a snake? maybe there's some reference elsewhere i need to find. but really, what difference does it make? the story isn't about the snake.
personally, i stopped caring whether genesis one and two are referring to short days or long days or evolution or whatever. i think that discussion misses the point. i prefer to read genesis one as poetry now. i think it is a beautiful poem. it gives us our origin. it frames our existence in a world that has meaning and purpose and beauty. and it does that regardless of what method was employed in creating.
i love the stories in genesis. i'm looking forward to reading them again. they are so rich, but i love them mostly because the are the stories about the beginnings of our faith. they are stories about some of God's actions in beginning the process of healing and restoration and how people cooperated or didn't in that process. these are the stories that framed an understanding of God for all the authors of the rest of the scriptures. the judges and kings and prophets and apostles, jesus himself, were all influenced directly by the stories found in genesis. stories of faith, stories of failure. stories of heartache and trust and deliverance. stories that teach us that God is a provider, that God will judge evil, that God is faithful, that God is passionate, that God is creative, and so many other things.
genesis. beginnings. maybe this week i will continue to work on beginning this habit of reading and journaling.
10.31.2007
genesis 1
beginnings are so full of hope, latent potential waiting in the wings. that is what i feel reading the first chapter of genesis. hope, excitement for the future, dreams for what can be all jump at me from the poetry that is genesis 1. six times God looks at his creation and says it is good. affirmation is repeated throughout the poem. "Then God looked over all he had made, and he saw that it was very good!"
as the hope found in those verses jumped at me i began to ponder how in just two chapters the story would take a tragic turn. those hopes would be crushed. God's very good would be smeared with rebellion and blood. i thought about how this is the way life is for us: so often our hopes and dreams come falling down around us in the reality of the everyday crush. there is often not much that seems "very good."
and yet, this is our beginning. we have been lovingly made by a creator and called "very good." his smile frames our existence and his hopes for us dance in our dreams. we can remember where we have come from, how this story began, and hope can be restored through Christ's presence in our present. this story had a very good beginning. the middle has been sullied, but the story does not end with the middle. there is a climax leading to and ending more glorious than the beginning. redemptive time will end and all will be made new.
until then i will let my looking back inform my looking forward and find the hope that leads me to let Christ unleash that latent potential placed in me at the beginning for my life now.
10.22.2007
disciplines
i almost shut this thing down. i haven't had much in the way of motivation to write. my apologies to those of you who have been looking for updates into our lives. here's a quick summary of what's going on right now:
- gabe took his first steps. we are having a blast watching him grow. he's such a toddler now.
- i went with garry to the 2007 international rock paper scissors tournament in toronto. we both went out in the first round, but our friend nathan made it all the way to the top 16 (out of about 500). we had a blast cheering him on and living vicariously through his victory. pictures are here.
- karen has finished her maternity leave and is in full swing teaching grade one again. she is commuting to belleville (about 45-50 minutes) and is not really enjoying being away from gabe.
- i quit roofing to stay home to take care of gabe. i do not miss roofing. i do enjoy spending my days with the boy. i am still working part-time at rustle.
- the band i'm playing in had our first gig this past friday night. it was a blast and there was a good crowd. hope they enjoyed it!
- my cd is almost finished. about time! i'll let you know more when i know more.
i'm struggling to get back into some kind of spiritual discipline habit. it's tough. i'm going to try two things: 1) reading scripture, although instead of just reading a bit every day with no rhyme nor reason and getting bored i am going to try sticking with one book for a while. reading a bit at a time, sometimes a verse, sometimes the whole book, sometimes a commentary, sometimes some study into it. i find i enjoy understanding how context helps with understanding. i enjoy seeing ideas fit together in helping me understand God and life. i am hoping this approach helps breathe some life into a discipline that at times has been very dry for me. 2) i am going to try to journal my thoughts through this process here, at least 2 or 3 times a week. this will help me process my thoughts by the effort of putting them into sentences and paragraphs, and hopefully be a beneficial discipline. you are invited to help keep me accountable to this by reminding me if i haven't posted in a week or more.
7.27.2007
update
1) i have some amazing friends that helped me finish the patio. huzzah! thank you each one...seriously, i was getting pretty tired of working on it and your encouragement and help really helped finish it off.
2) i worked my last day as a roofer wednesday. i have been looking forward to this day for a long time. it was a little sad saying goodbye to a guy i've worked with for almost two years though.
3) next week i go on holidays for two weeks. we are going camping, then visiting karen's family for a few days, then hanging out at home. i am in dire need of some rest as i am feeling drained.
7.07.2007
exhausted
today was the day. we were going to finish the patio. it's been hanging over my head for too long, i need to finish this thing. karen arranged for mady to come watch gabe so we could work on it together.
then life happened. we decided to go to some gospel concert at john wesley's green acres last night to visit with my aunt and uncle that were up from pennsylvania visiting my grandfather. we didn't get home till after 12. then they wanted to go to breakfast this morning to visit before they left. we didn't get to the patio till 11. i spent an hour taking the cement saw i borrowed from my boss apart after the pull cord snapped and the spring uncoiled. finally after much struggling my nerves were about as fragile as the pull cord but i had it together and running. of course it wouldn't end there. it's not running well, so it won't cut the stones very well. i tried laying a stone or two, but my nerves couldn't handle the fiddling around that's required to get it right. the lack of sleep got to me and i had no patience left. plus it was about to rain.
karen and i moved most of our pile of dirt into the garden and called it a day. we spent the rest of it shopping for plants that will hopefully produce something edible by fall.
i'm beat. i need to finish my sermon but i'm not even going to try tonite. i'll get up early tomorrow. today's meals were a healthy mix of bacon and eggs and greasy home fries with mcdonald's chicken mcnuggets, fries and a milkshake.
yesterday wasn't much better with bacon and eggs for breakfast, no lunch, and a wendy's burger with fries for supper.
fast food isn't whole grain. i'm too tired to care.
6.15.2007
i'm number one, i'm number one
i am now the proud parent of a child that has developed to the point of saying:
"da, da, dja, da, dja, dja, da, da"
repeatedly.
soon, oh so very soon, he will say these sweet words in reference to yours truly.
karen's not so impressed. she said she'll give me this one.
oh sweet gabe, how you grow so fast.
6.04.2007
cinematograpy virgin
my friend garry and i tried our first attempt at making a short film. we biked all over downtown kingston friday morning filming, then i spent saturday night editing it for sunday morning. it was a lot of work, but i think it turned out really well.
i bought adobe premier elements 3.0 to edit it on as the video editing programs i had couldn't do what i needed for this video. elements seems like a great program, but i spent a lot of time figuring out how to use it and still feel frustrated with some parts that i don't know how to work properly yet. i think once i figure it out it will make editing much easier. also i think i need more memory on my computer as the program was running very slow.
enjoy!
5.25.2007
inside my head
i haven't had much to say lately...
i really don't know what to write most days. i'd rather just go to bed. there are some thoughts swirling around occasionally, but when they do i don't have the gumption to bother writing them down. maybe i should. make it more of a discipline...open journal so to speak.
yesterday i was feeling a little blue. i realized much of my life is spent simply reacting to my world. this is a bad thing. i go to work and do what i need to do to get through the day, looking forward to august when i will be finished with roofing. always looking forward to that break around the corner...that day when my life will move from this feeling of in-between limbo to some kind of permanence. i go home to my wife and son and do what i need to do to keep them happy. i go to rustle and some days i feel like i am just looking for something to do to fill my time.
this is not how i want to live.
i want to look forward to what i can create. i want to make something happen. i want to be proactive, creative, active in participating with God in making my life what it needs to be, in doing what i need to do. i want to be actively working to make our home a wonderful place where karen and gabe can thrive. i want to be a positive force for good in my workplace, grateful for a job, grateful for each day i get to live. i want to come to rustle ready to give my all in loving and serving, passionately doing what God has created me to do best, knowing that i am doing what i need to be doing. i don't want to sit around and let life happen, i want to make life happen.
but i don't. why? when will i start? what am i waiting for?
this sucks. God help me. someone help me.
we had some questions we had to answer in group a couple months ago that relate to what i am thinking about today as i prepare for sunday. it's about choosing our travelling companions wisely, about the influence that environment has on us, about developing intentional relationships that help us move toward wholeness.
i had a really hard time with those questions. i don't easily open my soul to people to let them help me grow. i keep my tender parts buried deep inside me, preferring to expose easily dealt with cracks instead. i don't share my real thoughts and fears and struggles with very many people. in short, i need to find some travelling companions.
it's not that i don't have any. it's that i don't let them get inside me.
where do i go when i feel depressed, afraid, sad, insecure, unfinished? i go inside myself. lot's of good help there you can be sure (insert sarcastic grimace here).
wonder bread.
someone give me a kick in the ass.
5.07.2007
it's alive!
some of you may have wondered where i've been. others may not have noticed.
if you're interested there are new pictures on my flikr page.
go here to see them.
that is all.
goodnight.
4.04.2007
easter. hmmmm....
A Brief for the Defense
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would
not be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a
rowboat comes slowly out and then goes back is truly
worth all the years of sorrow that are to come.
— Jack Gilbert
3.19.2007
empty
space.
sometimes i want it. sometimes i long for the quiet. the peace.
now they're gone, and i'm alone.
"it's lonely coming home to an empty house," i said.
"tell me about it," he replied with a forlorn grin.
too easily i take for granted the ones i love most in the press of every day.
in the empty i remember.
remember the love.
he ran away to a lonely desert, depressed and alone.
God stopped by. burning coals.
he ran to a lonesome mountain.
God stopped by. still small voice.
he wandered in the hunger and thirst.
devil stopped by. temptation.
things seem to happen in the empty spaces.
will i listen?
3.06.2007
beware of moat
here i am in the middle of my skin
no way out
no way in
rain can blow while roadsigns quiver
their silent fingers pointing
directions to empty minds
hearty words find home in my soul
digging a ditch
beware of moat
...surround and protect
no way out.
no way in.
when last did music satisfy this hunger?
platters of spicy goodness dancing in my ears
tomorrow
yesterday
life. it's everywhere
to be found
to be tasted
to be heard
rose petals in a tasty cake
soft
no way out?
no way in?
good.
3.02.2007
a quote to ponder
in a continuation of the thoughts in my last post, i submit this quote given to me by a friend. i think it is amazing and captures the essence at the heart of the violence of jesus.
What is the task of the church today?
Shall I answer: "Faith, hope and love"?
That sounds beautiful.
But I would say Courage.
No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth.
Our task today is recklessness.
For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature,
We lack a holy rage.
The recklessness that comes from the knowledge of God and humanity.
The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets . .
and when the lie rages across the face of the earth -
a holy anger about things that are wrong in the world.
To rage against the ravaging of God's earth,
and the destruction of God's world.
To rage when little children must die of hunger,
when the tables of the rich are sagging with food.
To rage at senseless killing of so many,
and against the madness of the militaries.
To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death
and the strategy of destruction peace.
To rage against complacency.
To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change
human history until it conforms with the norms of the kingdom of God.
And remember the signs of the Christian church have always been -
the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove and the Fish -
but never the chameleon.
Kaj Munk
2.07.2007
the violence of jesus
i was talking with karen the other day about the account of jesus clearing out the temple:
John 2:14-16 (New American Standard Bible)
14And He found in the temple those who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. 15And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables; 16and to those who were selling the doves He said, "Take these things away; stop making My Father's house a place of business."
i was pointing out the fact that jesus made a whip, a very purposeful and time-consuming act, before going nuts on everybody. we see in this story the anger of jesus displayed in a passionate and even violent act. here's what i want to know. what did he do with that whip? brandish it menacingly? sting the backsides of sheep and cattle? did he use it on any people?
monday i was home from work sick, so i spent much of the day on the couch reading a couple copies of geez magazine a friend had loaned me. i think i overdosed. anyway, geez is very peace-loving. my thoughts were saturated with ideas of following jesus being a way of peace as opposed to war.
here's the question: what is an appropriate expression of anger, and even violence, in this world that we can learn from jesus' example? what will i teach my son about dealing with bullies at school? about war? about justice? we seem to fear anger at times, filing it away in the sinful category. but it is a human emotion just as ligitimate as joy or sorrow or love - within the appropriate context, just as is the case with all other emotions. so when is anger appropriate, and in such cases, what is an appropriate expression of anger? is violence ever called for, ever an appropriate response? i have some theories, but i'm interested to hear what you think.
2.03.2007
snow day
it snowed today. all day. from about 11am to 5 or 6pm. i went out and shoveled the foot of snow out of the driveway, then it started to snow again. i had been sitting inside all day nursing a budding flu or cold. thank God for drugs. the fresh air was nice.
as i watched the snow falling i was thinking about how beautiful it was, and how wierd our winter this year has been, and how thankful i am for how God has taken care of us. and how much i am loathing going back to roofing next week now that we have all this snow. some wet hands will be had for sure. strap the harness on.
i start two days a week at rustle this month. the more i spend time there, the more excited i am about serving there. i am thankful for this. it seems God has brought me so far. it seems so long ago that i sidled up to a local leader searching for a cure to a complacent spirituality. thank you sir, for shaking me back to Christ. for this i am thankful. for new life, new passion, new opportunities, new friends. i am filled with gratitude.
ever and always does God soak me with blessings. undeserved. lavished. still learning how to cope with all that kindness. i am awkward with grace.
my sister is having a baby soon. within moments i will be an uncle. freight trains could not keep me away, but the mighty dollar might. alaska is so far away. it is hard at times. karen's family lives near niagara falls. four hours seems so far when gabriel is screaming and she needs a nap while i'm dancing on rooftops. but four hours would be heavenly for my family. they're not even a four hour flight away....try thirteen with layovers and transfers. expensive. it's cheaper to go visit vincent in france. paris must be visited one day. eiffel tower here i come. feed me stinky cheese and crepe's.
i was never much of a homebody growing up. i am sure this caused my parent's consternation at times. "call home from camp to let us know how you're doing, dear." yeah, right. i never did. no phones in the canoe. even after they moved back to alaska when i was in kingston, did i miss them? sure, at times... but overall...i've been pretty happy out on my own. now that gabriel has come along i have found it harder than ever before. it would be nice at times to go visit for the weekend. if you're reading this, don't feel bad. we are all where we're supposed to be. now my sister is having a little one, and i feel the pull to go see her. love runs thick in our house.
funny thing, baby's. i never really liked them much. that is, until i had my own. now my sister is having one, my good friends are having one, and i find myself so excited to see the children, to hold them. wierd. parenthood changes things i guess. i like it.
baby's, friends, family, rustle, snow day.
lavished.
1.23.2007
confessions on a dance floor
i had a dream last night about a guy who i really hurt by some actions i took about a year ago. i mean hurt emotionally. i tried to work it out with him right away...ask forgiveness and so forth, but he didn't want to talk to me then. i saw him recently at an event we both attended, and i was really struck by how he seemed to avoid even saying hello when he would normally (before "the incident") make a point of saying hi. i must admit i didn't go talk to him either.
this has been bothering me every time i think about it. i've managed to forget for a while, but something will happen that reminds me of the unresolved issue there. like this dream. i don't remember what happened in the dream, i just remember it was about him. i know i gotta do something to work it out, but i'm afraid to talk to him. it eats me up inside that i hurt him so much by what i did, and there's nothing i can do to make it go away. i'm left completely powerless, at the mercy of his forgiveness.
i know i need to contact him again, try to apologize again. then at least i've tried. either a friendship gets restored or i rest assured that i've done all i can.
ugghh... i hate thinking about it. makes me feel sick.
night.
1.13.2007
some thoughts
first go check out this website called clearification. watch the videos. very funny, hilarious even. recommend provided via nathancolquhoun.com.
recently listening to bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning
too often i find myself navel gazing, so caught up with my own issues that i neglect those around me. i pity the fool.
then come those moments where i am drawn out of myself and reminded that there are others in my world. others who need me. others who care about my well being. i am reminded to look outside myself. often it is in these moments i find the most [insert word for good things here], when i forget myself and freely give myself to others. go figure.
talking with karen today about life, i remarked how difficult it is to admit my issues to others, to really let them see the real me in all my gritty glory. and so it goes. too long have i run independent. keeping myself at arms length from others so appearances are kept up.
sometimes i struggle with life. complicated. independent.
i left home for college when i was seventeen. never looked back. independent.
but i am learning. slowly. rustlers aren't independent. working with al and living with the rustlers is teaching me community. sharing. vulnerability. honesty. i'm a reluctant convert, slow to quench my thirst for acceptance in the safety of loving community.
karen threw a party for my birthday almost a month ago. people came, conversation flowed while food ran wild. then karen pulled out a basket full of cards, into which friends had placed love with dollar bills attached. surprise cd fund. i was speechless, overwhelmed with that awkward feeling of being given far more than i deserved. thanks dribbled down my chin as i went into myself, unsure of what to do. independent. how do i learn to let friends love me like that? they're getting under my skin. i'm falling in love with this rustler crew. "she's good people," the lead hand would say with a goofy grin and a broom in one hand. "have you heard this song?"
to my friends, and i am blessed with many, thank you. thank you for teaching me love, generosity, and community by allowing me to experience it firsthand from your lives.
there is nowhere else i'd rather be.
