well, i haven't posted in a while... work has been keeping me busy and tired. but now i'm done for the year! saturday karen and i leave to celebrate christmas with her family in ft. erie, then sunday we fly to alaska to spend ten days with my family. we leave from toronto at 5:30 christmas day. i'm really looking forward to spending some time with them.
when i return, i need to get working on the next phase for me work-wise. the roofing thing will only have a couple more weeks worth before it will be done for the winter. i am looking into finding an apprenticeship to become an electrician. i have a contact with a guy here in kingston, and i need to put together a resume and meet with him when we get back in the new year. pray for me...not sure if i'll meet up to the requirements or not! i'm both excited and nervous about this idea. it takes four to five years of apprenticeship and schooling before i will be able to get my ticket as a licenced electrician. i'm nervous because it is another step into the new and unknown, but excited because it is a goal, forward movement, and seems to be the direction God is leading me. it is good to have some direction in my life again. the past months have felt very directionless and that has been frustrating for both karen and myself.
anyway, that's the latest. have a merry christmas all!
12.22.2005
christmas
12.05.2005
overuse injury
my body is weak.
about a week ago i started feeling my right hand go numb. the feeling progressed to where i had aching through my hand and arm down to my elbow. i finally went to a doctor and found out that i have an overuse injury with some symptoms of carpal tunnel, which basically means i have an inflamed nerve in my wrist or something like that. so now i'm wearing this splint at night, and to work where i lift heavy things all day long, the cause and sustainer of my injury. fun times...
12.04.2005
my dad
my dad flew down from alaska a week ago from last friday to visit my grandparents here in kingston, who haven't been doing very well physically. he was here for about a week and flew back to alaska last thursday. it was really nice to be able to visit with him again. while he was here karen and i finally found out that i was clear with my job for us to go to alaska for christmas, so we bought tickets last tuesday. we fly out on christmas day from toronto and return january 5. we are very excited to see my family again. we haven't had a christmas with all of us together for a few years, and it will be nice to see where they are all living. karen's a bit nervous about the cold, but according to my dad, it's comparable to the weather in ottawa, so that's not too bad. i'm looking forward to a christmas with a good winter again...snow flocking the trees and all that. kingston gets too much freezing rain in the winter.
a new camera
karen was able to get some money through her teacher's union because of their new deal this year, so we finally spent it. we got a new digital camera. after much deliberation, we finally decided on the canon powershot a610. we are very happy with it. we first purchased a nikon, but it was having some problems and we didn't like it after using it for a day or two, so took it back and exchanged for the powershot.
11.24.2005
ode to employment
dishes lay waiting while the laundry dried
useless at housework compared to my wife
who does in one hour what i did in five
at last prayers were answered, an offer was mine
and now upon rooftops i carry and climb
my body is sore; my muscles are weak
my feet want to lay on their backs for a week
but i wait for tomorrow, for it will bring pay
the reason i labour and toil all day
although there is one more reason i find
doing dishes and laundry all day bites
that was a terrible poem, my apologies for wasting the past three minutes of your life. but it was fun to write. anyway, it's good to have work, but i'm tired out. supposedly after a couple weeks my body will get used to it. and maybe it will help me get into better shape. it's a temporary job, so i'll be looking again in january or february, depending on how the winter weather is. i have an idea for then that karen and i have been praying about...more on that another time.
11.17.2005
i need help
i have been thinking lately (and for those of you who know me well, take cover) about the church tradition of sunday morning services.
here's my question: why do we do church the way we do? that is, why do we have "church" on sunday mornings as a gathering of a small to large number of people with singing and praying and teaching and all that? what is it's purpose? now i don't mean why is it on sunday's rather than saturdays or whatever...i know the church history about that. i mean why do we have this gathering of people in this way that we call church?
here's my reason: i don't always enjoy church on sunday mornings. oh there is the occasional truth that sticks out at me, and there is the connecting with friends that i haven't seen for a week, and i like the music, but really all that can be accomplished more effectively in a small group that i attend on thursday evenings.
here's my problem: i've been taught sunday mornings "aren't about me" so according to that line of thinking my attitude of not getting much out of it is essentially self-centered and wrong. ok, i can see and accept that. so sunday mornings are about gathering to worship God together. about what i can give, not what i can get. how i can serve, not how i can be served. that makes sense, and after all, doesn't the bible say something about not giving up meeting together? however, don't i worship God most effectively by doing what he says to do ("you love me when you do what i say") throughout every day of the week? and can't i worship corporately (meeting together with other believers) in a small group on thursday evening, or by giving and serving in other practical ways? indeed, if i connect better with other believers, learn more effectively, and am able to express my love toward God and people more thoroughly in small group on thursday evening, then what reason is there for me to go to church on sunday?
i'm not wanting to give up going to church on sundays. i may not always enjoy it, but sometimes i do. i am wanting to find a good reason for going. am i doing it merely because tradition and a lifetime of training dictate that all good christians go to church on sunday mornings? or is there a better reason? honestly i hope there is a better reason, because otherwise i'm going to have some serious decisions to make and issues to work through.
i also recognize the possibility that if i actually stopped going to church on sunday mornings that i might feel a lack of something in my life and would realize that i really do need that time with people and God. maybe i should try it.
this is an honest question. i really want to know. ap, sic your theological training on me. other readers, lend me your thoughts. i need help with this one; i'm stumped. why do we "do church" the way we do?
11.07.2005
God help me...
i read some postings by scott williams that i came across via caleb. wow. he is an ex-pastor commenting on some observations about pastors. i only have three years experience working as a pastor, but four years of bible college on top of that, and a lifetime of being a pk church rat to throw in as well. most of what he said hit home with me. and it hurt...in an exposing, healing kind of way.
part 1
part 2
part 3
part 4
part 5
part 6
part 7
finale
God help me to learn these lessons now while i have the opportunity to live in the real world.
11.04.2005
saved
ok, on the recommendation of a friend i finally watched the movie saved. it's received a lot of criticism in many christian circles. i thought it was a great satire. well done for a teen flick and in many ways, eerily accurate. made me think...
what did you think about it? (this should be obvious, but keep your trap shut if you haven't watched it)
10.26.2005
10.20.2005
A COLLISION or (3+4=7)
while at the conference we were led in singing by the david crowder band. this band, for me, has been a shining light among the deluge of crap often passed off as good music. they carefully craft music that goes beyond a mere melody and lyrics, and their newest album takes them to the next level in creative expression.
"a collision, or (3+4=7)" mixes ancient hymns, african american spirituals, good ol' southern bluegrass, electronica, and rock in a fusion that tingles the ear and brings a satisfied smile to the face. crowder & co. include some of their trademark "singables" following the successful models of "can i hear you" and "illuminate" in songs such as "here is our king" and "wholly yours." elsewhere, however, they meld musical styles to bring us into God's presence through everything from a meditative cover of sufjan stevens' "o God, where are you now? (in pickerel lake? pigeon? marquette? mackinaw?)" to a rock opera in "you are my joy." indeed, i think this album is best seen as an opera of sorts, a musical programme put together in such a way that it is best experienced straight through from beginning to end.
poetically, david crowder has honed his craft further to create lyrics that are beautiful, memorable, and layered with meaning. "a beautiful collision" has some good examples of this, but my favorite lyrics are found in "here is our king," especially the line "and what was said to the rose to make it unfold was said to me here in my chest, so be quiet now and rest."
all told, it is my opinion that "a collision or (3+4=7)" is the david crowder band's most musically and creatively mature offering to date and a harbinger of great things yet to come.
road trip
i just got back from my trip to pittsburgh with timmy b, mark b, and ben c, a couple days ago. we had a great time - shared many laughs and made many memories. stopping in to see ap on the way down was definitely a highlight.
for me, it was an odd trip to go on. i just resigned from my position of youth pastor and have no desire to go back to being a youth pastor in the near future....so why go to a youth pastor's convention? other than the fact that i had already bought my ticket...i went for the fun times with the guys and the retreat experience that the conference offered. not so much a retreat into solitude, but a retreat away from the ordinary to spend a weekend listening to what God might want to say through the conference. i had a great time. i didn't hear anything profound from God, but it did confirm for me that where i am at now is a good place to be. i had some good moments of rest in the midst of the craziness and was able to spend some much-coveted time with friends.
the highlight of the trip for me came late saturday evening. the four of us went to get some food and drinks at a nearby restaurant/pub and ended up having a wonderfully deep conversation and sharing time. something was said during that time that really hit me and meant much more to me than they had probably intended for it to... i'll be vulnerable here and tell you... they said that i seemed very authentic/genuine. a comment was made that i seemed a much different person than i was in college...in a good way. coming from the year i have spent allowing God to deconstruct and begin rebuilding my faith, this comment was a God moment for me... saying "see, i am doing something in you. you are becoming who i want you to be. it's working!"
that one moment was, for me, worth the entire trip and hundreds of dollars spent. it was so very encouraging for me....just the kind of thing God knew i needed to hear.
so for ben, mark, and timmy...thank you.
10.04.2005
nothing is sound :: switchfoot
the title gives away this album. nothing is sound; nothing in this world is worth putting our trust in. i found this to be a beautiful album dealing with the reality of brokenness and hope being found in God. it's not stated that blatantly, but that's what poetry is all about... it communicates emotions, not solely propositions. and that is what i find in this album...songs full of the feeling that the world falls apart around us, but in the middle of it all we find hope in God.
when i listen to stars i hear a song about looking to God in the middle of our troubles. "when i look at the stars i see someone else"
when i listen to the shadow proves the sunshine i hear a beautiful song about the brokenness around and within us showing us in an even more powerful way the glory of God "crooked soul trying to stand up straight...the shadow proves the sunshine"
when i listen to easier than love i hear a song lamenting the misuse and abuse of sex in our society "she is easier than love, is easier than life...what have we done, what is the monster we've become"
when i listen to politicians i hear a song about placing one's allegiance and hope in God's kingdom rather than our frail ones full of political rivalries and problems. "we are broken, we are bitter, we're the problems, we're the politicians...i pledge allegiance to a country without borders, without politicians"
i hear songs that are dealing with the issues we face in the world around us with a perspective that is always placing hope in kingdom come. i think they best compare to the laments found in the psalms.
"does justice never find you? do the wicked never lose? is there any honest song to sing besides these blues? ...and nothing is okay until the world caves in" (the blues)
"my wound goes deeper than the skin. there's no hiding it, so i'm not trying it. my hope runs underneath it all, the day that i'll be home. finally back where we belong. finally free." (the setting sun)
jonathan strange and mr. norrell
i was finally able to get my hands on a copy of jonathan strange and mr. norrell by susanna clarke. i've been trying to get one from the library for months now and ... anyway.
it was excellent. i enjoyed it thoroughly and was hardly able to put it down. karen really doesn't like that characteristic of mine too much, but after a few days of having my nose in the book i finally finished it. all 782 pages.
the writing was very well done. characters were developed to a fault. clarke spent some pages on characters that played hardly any role at all, yet she took the time to introduce each one. sentences were filled with colourful descriptions and the plot development pulled me along in a current that slowly increased in potency until the climax at the end.
jonathan strange and mr. norrell is a book about the revival of english magic set in historical great britain in the early nineteenth century. two magicians arise after two hundred years of no magic in britain and face challenges they would never have imagined. fairies, politicians, ancient kings, war, magic, and avarice are woven into a tapestry of immense colour and proportion.
if you are a fan of reading, of fantasy literature, of historical fiction, then i heartily recommend you check out jonathan strange and mr. norrell by susanna clarke.
another song
you say you cannot understand the things i say
how i can think you're beautiful in every way
but what you see and what i see are differerent things
don't you know that i see underneath
underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a daughter of the king
underneath you're beautiful
the longer i am with you, the more i find
lovely, oh my love, stop trying to hide
what you see makes you cry; what i see makes me sing
don't you know that i see underneath
underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a child of the king
(repeat)
don't you know i love you
don't you know i'm here
don't you know i'd give my life for you
'cause underneath you're beautiful
underneath you're scared
underneath - a child of the king
(repeat)
underneath you're beautiful
9.15.2005
recent aquisition
thanks to the stellar music review skills of my friend grady (review found here), i picked up a copy of the killers: hot fuss. another friend pointed out that they had a limited edition out so i got that one. it has three extra songs on it. we listened to this incredible album quite a bit on the way to and from the coldplay concert in darien lake, which was absolutely amazing. the energy, the quality, the beautiful music soared through my body as i danced, swayed, bobbed and sang my lungs out. i did not leave disappointed. in fact, if i could have, i would have gone again the next night. alas, i only had one spare kidney.
we also were able to enjoy the sweet aroma of burning weed during the concert. our seats were close to one edge of the outdoor arena, and the breeze was blowing in toward us from the smokers on the side. at least it smelled better than cigarettes...it didn't bother me too much. not like the drunk ladies behind us who happened to have the most annoying cackle's i have ever heard. that's right...it wasn't a laugh...it was a cackle. fortunately they weren't too bad during coldplay, more so in the time between rilo kiley and coldplay. ...quite the experience. overall, i had a great time.
if you'd like to read more about coldplay and their concerts, i recommend another grady review found here.
8.29.2005
el fine
i resigned from kingston-west yesterday. well, yesterday was the day it became public. it was a sudden thing of sorts. while i was away at camp at the end of july i felt God leading me in this direction and after much prayer, talking with karen, and thinking about it i finally went through with it.
i didn't resign because of any conflict or anything. everything was going peachy-keen. it's actually an extension of the process God has been working in me over the past year. i am feeling that i need to take some time away from pastoral ministry to chase after God and his leading in fine-tuning my call to ministry. at this point i am not sure what i will do. we are going to stay in kingston to be close to my aging grandparents, and i will look for a job somewhere doing something. hopefully something useful, but you never know.
i am very excited. it's sad saying goodbye to the church after three years, but mostly i am excited for what God has next for us. i am going to be staying in contact with free methodist leadership and finding a mentor through this period so that it is as intentional of a growth period as possible, and hope that at the end of the day i will be more ready to serve again in a church than i am now or ever have been.
september eleven will be my last sunday at the church. two weeks. it will go by fast. pastor mike asked me if i wanted to do anything that sunday, so karen and i will be singing a few songs. one is a song that i wrote especially for that day. the imagery in the song is from the story of peter stepping out of the boat to walk on the water. karen and i have been reading john ortberg's book if you want to walk on water, you have to get out of the boat and it has been excellent through this time.
if i had an electric guitar it would have a pop-punk rock-ish sound, but for now i play it on acoustic. i'll have to see if i can get some rough recordings of these to put on here so you can hear my songs instead of just read them. i did some on a tape recorder the other day and they turned out all right. quite rough, but it would give you an idea of what the song feels like. have to figure out how to get them from there to here first though...
anyway, that's the latest in the life of brandon. news that's been coming for a while, but i had to wait until it went public before i posted it here.
8.18.2005
x&y
have i mentioned that i am going to see coldplay september 1? have i told you this yet? have i mentioned how excited i am? oh boy, am i ever excited. i hardly know what to say. i want to pee my pants right now just thinking about it. i can hardly wait.
have i mentioned that i am going to see coldplay?
8.16.2005
sermonization and...uhh...
i'm preaching two sundays from now. it's been a while. i'm thinking i'll develop that thought i wrote about a couple posts back about choice (east of eden). it seems like good sermon fodder and is relevant to what God has been teaching me lately.
on an unrelated note: i hate throwing up, unless it makes me feel better. the day of our move from belleville to kingston was a scorcher, and i was working hard and drinking little. being somewhat out of shape and overweight, i began to feel ill. by the time i had driven the truck to kingston i had that queasy, need to puke feeling. i could barely help unload the truck. i was very grateful for the help we received from the church people that day, but i felt like such a louse just standing there while they carried all the big stuff. i felt awful - on the verge of upchuck but unable to do so. finally after everyone was gone i decided enough was enough. i still had one more load to get (i didn't get a big enough truck so had to make two trips) and knew that i would feel better once it came up, so i walked back in the woods behind the house we moved into and made myself throw up. the worst about throwing up from overheating are the dry heaves that follow the stomach empty-ing heaves. anyway, i laid down for a short nap afterwards and soon was feeling much better. many thanks to all those who helped with our move.
8.10.2005
happenings
thanks all for your comments on the last posting. apologies i haven't put anything up for a while. lots of big stuff happening... we just moved to an apartment in kingston - it's huge, a great blessing from God for us. so my computer has been packed up and we don't have a phone line yet in the new place as bell employees have been on strike and they are behind in their work.
so yeah, i'm doing this from the church so better keep it short. there's more going on too, but i'll update on that toward the end of the month. it'll be sporadic for a while so hang on. if i have any good thoughts i'll put them up, but for now this is all i've got.
oh, for those of you who saw my long hair i got a haircut finally. for those of you who haven't seen me in three years "long" and "cut" are relative terms. it's still longer than in my old bbc days. we have some film to get developed, so maybe we'll get some decent pics i can post. i haven't quite made it to the digital age yet...
not that any of that matters...
anyway, cheerio.
7.21.2005
east of eden
while i was on holidays i read a book called east of eden by john steinbeck. it was really thick and really good. anyway, there was one bit in the book where they got talking about the story of cain and abel from genesis chapter four. one character did a study on the original hebrew of the verse where God tells cain that sin lies at his door and he must master it. anyway, it was quite neat the way steinbeck developed the thought. he showed the character comparing this idea of mastering the sin from several translations... kjv says "thou shalt" master it, communicating an idea that he will conquer the sin, it's predestined for him to do so. but the asv says "do thou," communicating the idea that it is a command for him to do so. the character in the story dug into the original hebrew meaning and found the word timshel which means in the character's words "thou mayest." this idea is communicated in most modern translations as "you must," or "you've got to," or "you should" rule/master/conquer it, which communicates the idea that cain had a choice - not a command, not predestined to succeed or fail, but a choice that he had to make. steinbeck's character in the story was impacted with the import of that truth, saying, "that makes a man of you!"
it is so true! knowing that God has woven into the design of our world the opportunity for us to make real choices and decisions with real consequences that echo in eternity makes men and women of us! it means that we matter, that we have worth, that God says we are important. it means that everything that i do counts for something. it means that i have the opportunity to be a slimeball or to be someone great. it means that God has given me the potential to be good, to do rightly, to become what i was created to be. the opportunity to be a man lies at my feet waiting for me to take it. it is my choice, given to me by a God who designed me with the capacity to grow and become and choose.
steinbeck's east of eden dealt with this theme throughout the book, showing characters wrestling to discover their hidden goodness and strength, battling with the sin on their doorstep, the temptations drawing them, wondering if they were destined to repeat the sins of their fathers and mothers, struggling to live rightly. steinbeck ends his book with a father blessing his son who was wrestling with this very issue by saying, "timshel" - thou mayest.
choice, it makes a man of you.
camping
well, karen and i had a good camping trip. she's a trooper. we had great weather for the first two days - hot, sunny, perfect for swimming at the beach or lounging in my chair reading a book. saturday, however, the heavens opened and unleashed a deluge complete with thunder and lightning. it was great. i convinced karen that we should go for a bike ride in the rain, so we did. we went down a trail through the forest that we had walked the day before. it was awesome and we were completely soaked by the end. good times. the rest of that day and that evening was a little wet, but we were mostly dry in our little tent and the rain let up enough for us to pack up the next day. i gave everything a good hosing down and drying out when we got home.
now tomorrow we're off to severn bridge camp north of orillia. i was there three years ago and we're going back this year. they asked me to be the youth coordinator/director/whatever for their family camp. should be a fun time. so i'll be back home the 31st.
cheerio.
7.14.2005
holidays
this week i took off for a week of holidays and much needed rest. we just returned from visiting with my aunt and uncle (and cousin) in pennsylvania. we had a good time seeing some of the amish culture in lancaster and taking in the Ruth play at sights and sounds theatre.
today we are heading to lake simcoe for some camping. this will be karen and my first camping trip together, and her first trip for more than one night. and the weather forecast says possible rain, so i'm a little nervous. i'm praying for sunny days.
7.05.2005
life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness?
i read a post here that brought to mind thoughts i have about the USA. for background, the bulk of the first seventeen years of my life were lived there. i am an american citizen and was raised in that environment. my home was a mixture of american and canadian culture with an american mother and canadian father. with that, i was blessed with parents who did not accept all as it would seem, but gave me the ability to critique and evaluate for myself when it came to countries and where i would call home.
the post i read talked about the founding principles of the USA - the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. this is what i would like to talk about for a bit. actually i would like to spark a friendly debate. i have an issue i struggle with...
i struggle with these founding principles of the USA. rather, i struggle with reconciling them with my growing understanding of the gospel of jesus christ. to put it plainly, i think they stem from and encourage a worldview that is not compatible with what jesus calls us to in this world.
rights: as a christian i give up my rights, i am a slave of God sent to serve those around me. i have no "right" to demand my "rights" - however, i also recognize that the issues of justice and so on that the founding fathers were fighting for are things that all people should, ideally, experience. i just struggle with the idea that as a christian i would fight for my "rights"
life and liberty: again, as a christian i am guaranteed no such thing. i heard about a chinese pastor the other day who had been imprisoned several times for his faith, and as he was in prison, his parishoners were not praying for his release, but that he would have the strength to share jesus where he was at. also, in scripture i see no promises of liberty or even life - instead jesus asks me to give up my life to serve people around me.
pursuit of happiness: this is the main one that i struggle with - as a christian am i ever, anywhere in scripture, told that i have a right to pursue personal happiness? i have not seen it. i have seen that happiness comes from pursuing God. this idea that we have a right to pursue happiness seems to me to be centrally selfish. it may not be, but that is how it seems to me.
i do not mean to offend, please pardon me if i do. rather, this is coming from one who was raised in the USA and taught from early childhood that these founding principles were the glorious pinnacle of governmental principles based on christian ideals. now, however, i wonder if they really are, or if they just seem really nice...
i am not meaning to critique the USA or the intentions of the founding fathers, but rather to ask genuine questions from my own searching as i seek to discover what being a christian is really all about, and whether what i was taught as a child is really all it is often thought to be...
what are your thoughts? please, no angry venom here...i want honest discussion of the core issues i addressed. i welcome your opinions.
6.28.2005
atrocities in darfur
i saw a young woman in our church wearing a green band the other day. coloured silicone bands seem to be all the rage these days...every cause has it's own colour band. so i asked her what it was for. found out it was about the atrocities that have been going on for two years in the darfur region of sudan. i had not heard about them. so i asked her to send me some information. she did. i read about it here.
terrible stuff. war crimes of all sorts. a UN commission found thatGovernment forces and militias conducted indiscriminate attacks, including killing of civilians, torture, enforced disappearances, destruction of villages, rape and other forms of sexual violence, pillaging and forced displacement, throughout Darfur on a widespread and systematic basis.
this is awful stuff! you can read more here. i'm not even sure what to do about it. here is info about a protest in montreal august 25. it is the only event in canada they had scheduled on their website.Canada (event id#8)
Description: Protest 2:00pm, August 25th
Directions: Wallenberg Memorial, 600 De Maisoneuve West, Montreal
Event Type: Public
Contact Name: Chaim Steinmetz
Contact Info: rabbi@tbdj.org (514) 489-3841
6.27.2005
student ministry website
i recently conscripted a young woman in our church to create a website for our student ministry. well, i asked her and she consented.
anyway, i thought i was doing a good job of delegation and all that stuff i'm supposed to be good at when all of a sudden she asked me what she was going to put on the website. i quickly realized that creating a website includes quite a bit more than just designing it. so currently the ball is in my court as i gather information and write bits for the site.
have any of you developed websites for your ministries? any advice? can you give me the links to your sites so i can look at them and steal, i mean borrow, stuff?
white band day
july 1 is international white band day.
I follow in mr. lapointe's foosteps as i quote from makepovertyhistory.ca.
International White Band Day, July 1, will see people around the world wearing white bands and wrapping public buildings in white to send a message to the G8 world leaders that we demand action on
More and Better Aid
Canceling the Debt
Trade Justice
Ending Child Poverty in Canada
wear or display a white band. log on to makepovertyhistory.ca to email prime minister martin and encourage him to take action.
i will be and have.
6.16.2005
theological worldview
i took a quiz today here that told me this about my theological worldview. interesting...
Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan | 86% | ||
Emergent/Postmodern | 82% | ||
Neo orthodox | 61% | ||
Charismatic/Pentecostal | 39% | ||
Reformed Evangelical | 36% | ||
Roman Catholic | 36% | ||
Classical Liberal | 32% | ||
Fundamentalist | 21% | ||
Modern Liberal | 18% |
What's your theological worldview?
created with QuizFarm.com
6.10.2005
gifted teens
i went to a highschool band end-of-year performance last night. it was in the cafeteria and was swelteringly humid and hot. there were ten or twelve teens involved in it that i knew. they all did a great job. one of the guys put together a video picture presentation that was very good. i know who i'll ask next time i need one done! two of the girls also sang a song that they had written while on a band trip. it was amazing. i knew that they had written one, but i hadn't heard it yet. one of the girls is usually quiet and reserved, but has a very beautiful voice so i am trying to build into her confidence whenever i can. the two of them blended beautifully, but it was the message of the song that really stuck out at me. it was all about God accepting us just as we are. it was so beautiful. that was the highlight of the night for me.
it makes me new
i wrote another song last night. i'm working on an album project. absolutely no idea when or where or how i'll ever record it, but it's fun putting songs together. it will be called "the end of the world as i knew it" or something like that and will be songs chronicling my spiritual journey of the past year. i've been wanting to write a song about God's love to put on it. it finally came last night. it's still unfinished, but i wanted to put it on here. check it out:
who am i to stumble by and think that i could ever do to please you
frail man that i am, still i go to try - try and try again
why do i try to try then fall down on my face and cry "i need you"
whisper, whisper in my ear and tell me that you'll take me as i am
this life i lead so many times feels so dry - so dry, so empty inside
i wonder why, when can i find this river wide, life inside, river deep - deep and wide
your love is all around me, it makes me new
the songs you sing over me - they cry out "i love you! i love you!"
the greatest thing - i'll sing and sing - about this love, the kind of love that frees you
freed man that i am, now i'll always sing - sing and sing again
life is new, found in you, and from now on i'll live my life to please you
you whispered, whispered in my ear and told me that you love me as i am
the life i led so many times felt so dry - so dry, so empty inside
but now i cry, you gave me life - a river wide, life inside, river deep - deep and wide
your love is overwhelming, it makes me new
the songs you sing over me - they cry out "i love you! i love you!"
6.07.2005
makepovertyhistory.ca
i've been learning during the past six months or so more about world issues regarding fair trade and poverty. there is much that we can do as a nation of rich people. today i have begun to act.
although i do not have millions or even thousands of dollars to give to help in the cause, i do have a voice. tonight i joined the big noise at maketradefair.com and sent some letters to some canadian politicians (in an effort to persuade them to make the right decision at the upcoming G8 summit in scotland) at makepovertyhistory.ca.
i am also going to try to order some of the white bands from makepovertyhistory.ca to support the cause and hopefully attend the Live8 concert in ottawa if it happens on july 2.
this is a new thing for me...getting involved in these types of things. but the more i learn about jesus the more i think that he would care about these issues. and that gives me courage.
visit the sites. use your voice. we can make a difference.
5.31.2005
episode three
karen and i watched star wars: episode three the other week, and it had an intensely spiritual impact on me. let me explain.
first off i'll say that i'm not a big star wars fan. i didn't even know what they were until highschool and didn't watch all three of the originals till college. i thought one and two were pretty cheesy so i wasn't sure what to expect from episode three other than a tying together of the story.
as i had watched one and two, anakin's obvious decline had been bothering me. he started off as such a beautiful boy, so to imagine him becoming the dreadful darth vadar was no fun. when i watched the original three, darth vadar was this hateful character. i just wanted him to die so that right would triumph. episode three tied together the journey from beautiful boy to the dark side, and i found it incredibly disturbing and spiritual.
i have been learning much of late about God's love and have been re-understanding my view of our sinful nature being characterized primarily by a brokenness, a terrible wound that affects us all, resulting in a tendency toward wrong choices. i have been learning to see us through God's eyes, as people that he loves no matter where we are or what we do, and his redemptive action is an action to free a captive people as well as to forgive rebellious children. our rebelliousness is the natural result of our woundedness.
so as i watched anakin's decline i found myself seeing him through the eyes of a loving father rather than of a hateful enemy. i began to understand the evil that he became as the natural result of wrong choices and deceit from the evil one. he didn't become evil overnight. he was drawn toward it by good desires led astray into wrong choices. it was a gradual process until he reached the point of no return. i cannot hate darth vadar any longer, but rather feel remorse and pity for what he became.
as i watched anakin's decline and began to realize that i no longer hated darth vadar, i began to understand in a greater degree how God sees us in our sinfulness - how God sees me in my sinfulness. he does not hate us even when we become so fallen into sin. i began to understand in a much deeper way the love of God for sinful, fallen humanity. i began to understand better how God could love the most sin-twisted soul just as much as he loves the greatest saint. because he sees the whole picture, just as i now see the whole picture for anakin. God knows that we were all supposed to be beautiful. we are all supposed to be good. and he doesn't hate us for our sinfulness, but rather loves us and gives his very life to free us from our bondage.
this is very good news.
5.20.2005
5.19.2005
shades of grey
i find anne lamott's writing challenges my faith in uncomfortable and troublesome ways. i read about her walk through life being so messy yet full of trust in God, holding significantly different theological positions from myself yet possessing an honesty and heart for service that put my selfish heart to shame. she writes of life in a way that is both troubling and beautiful. as i read i find myself simultaneously laughing and crying, in the same moment disagreeing with her and wishing with all my heart for a mere morsel of the honest faith that she seems to posess. i find the things about life with God that i have for so long thought to be so important, so black and white, beginning to fade into shades of grey. this bothers me. this confuses me. this makes me question and wonder and cry out to God with silent tearful sobs of longing. where is the life that Jesus promised us, promised me? the life that this woman, with all her weaknesses and mistakes, seems to grasp and hold onto with such abundance and wonderful reckless abandon. how can i find this? this freedom to love myself, to forgive my failings and constant inability to measure up to any kind of standard that i ever thought was important.
the terrible truth that is slowly sinking into my heart is that i am hopelessly lost, utterly unable to pull myself out of my self-centered existence for one minute to genuinely love a fellow being. i am completely incabable of this, to think of another above myself long enough to actually begin to live that way. to forget about myself long enough to see myself as Jesus sees me, and to begin to like myself as i am - or even love myself. this is a beginning at least...to know that i am lost. for it is here, in my lost-ness, that i begin to cry out the most genuine prayers that i can pray. prayers that don't have any words because i don't know the words, don't really even know what to ask for or say. i only know that i need help. maybe that is the best prayer of all, "help!"
anne lamott
i just finished reading anne lamott's new book plan b: further thoughts on faith. it was another one of those books that i started reading and didn't stop until i had finished it. seems i've been finding a lot of those lately... except this one was 320 pages.
here are a couple quotes i liked:One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.
this was my favorite one:Rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole.
5.14.2005
what if...
i've really been thinking a lot lately about what my faith really is and how that will affect how i live my life. essentially i've been rediscovering what my faith is all about. it seems somewhat strange - for a kid who grew up in church and graduated from bible college with a four year degree in religion to just now be catching on to what it's all about. but really i don't know any other way to explain it. it's like what i've known for so long in my head is finally starting to make sense in my heart. and it's been an agonizing process.
what has really been resonating with me of late has been the idea, or truth, that God loves me unconditionally. i have known this for years, but i have been realizing that my idea of God has been of a god who wants me to behave right and keeps track of all my failings to make sure i have asked forgiveness for them and all that. i am leaving that god behind. the God i am discovering, and the God i believe revealed himself in the bible and in Jesus Christ, is a God who loves me without end, as i am - not as i should be, and who accentuates the good in me, not the bad.
here's a thought i was chewing on last night. what if Jesus Christ took all of God's punishment for sin upon himself so that God no longer punishes sin? what if what we often interpret as punishment for sin is really the natural consequence of choosing to walk away from God? more importantly, what if when God looks at my failings he no longer sees them as something worthy of punishment, but as something that prevents me from running toward him? in other words, what if God sees every person from a relational perspective rather than a legal one because the legal stuff has all been taken care of through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? what if God now sees every person as a prodigal son guilty and imprisoned - the father has paid the bail to free every person and pardoned their guilt - now he is doing all he can to get us to leave our cells and come home? if sin creates a chasm between us and God, and if God cannot be in relationship with sinful people because his very nature demands holiness, and if Jesus Christ filled that chasm in so that we can now approach God and enter into relationship with him, then what happens when i sin as a christ-follower? if sin creates a chasm, wouldn't my relationship be instantly broken as it was for adam and eve? ahhh, here's the beauty of it all. if all of God's judgment for sin was taken by Christ and God no longer sees my sin as something to judge, then my relationship with God is secure in knowing that his love covers a multitude of my sins and he lovingly chooses to stick with me through all my screw-ups and help me to keep running toward him. in other words, what if God cannot judge my sin any more because doing so would mean that he cannot be in relationship with me? and any consequences we experience at the end of life are due to our own choice to run toward God or away from him, not from an act of judgment by God himself. this transforms as well our idea of hell. hell not as a place where God banishes people as an act of judgment, but a place where God allows people to experience the consequences of their choice to be absent from him. we condemn ourselves to hell when we reject relationship with God.
for me this is a transformational way of thinking about God. if God no longer judges my sin (all judgment has been taken by Christ) then i no longer have to feel shame for my failings. i mean this not to say that we should feel no remorse or guilt and sin as much as we want, but that those persistent nagging feelings of shame and self-loathing that for me are often associated with failings are merely useless projections. projections because i often imagine God seeing me as i see myself and as a result think that i need to try really hard to be a better person so that i will make him happy. with this other way of seeing things, i am realizing that God likes me just as much in my sinful state as he does in my righteous state, and knowing that gives my soul rest. i don't have to try as hard - in this i live to please as a response to love, not as a requirement to be loved. and this is way easier to do when i know he already likes me and is pleased with me.
5.07.2005
the love of God is greater far...
i had a great trip to nb with my dad. i was able to see some friends i hadn't seen in a while and be there with my sister for her graduation. it was a really good trip for me.
my dad brought me a copy of some messages by brennan manning that i have been listening to. they are excellent. it is a series of five sermons given at a camp in washington state and the overall topic is healing our image of God and ourselves. he says that the primary message of Jesus is that God is abba - daddy - and that is how we are to address him. how are we to pray? our father, our abba, our daddy, who is in heaven... manning says that God loves us as we are, not as we should be, and that this absolutely unbreakable and unearned love can heal our identity and transform our life.
anyway, his thoughts are really hitting me where i need it and are tying in well with what i have been learning from other reading i've been doing - especially from searching for God knows what by donald miller. i really think i am understanding the true message of the gospel better than i ever have in my life. it is becoming something i understand rather than just know. God is up to something in my life.
on an unrelated note: the past two weeks have been car hell or something like that. my car is a 1995 toyota corolla that is in good shape with low kilometers and up to this point has given me little trouble. however, before i went to nb i had to replace a seized caliper on the front left wheel - $400 (cha-ching). while in nb it overheated and i had to get some quick repairs in sussex before we drove home - $40 (cha-ching). when i got home, it overheated on me while i was driving to church. i never made it to church because i had to get my car towed into canadian tire to find out what was wrong - $50 (cha-ching). i found out that i had to replace the head gasket. i have yet to get it back from the shop, but it will probably be $1000+ (cha-ching). and to top it off, today on karen's car (2002 mazda protege 5 sport) we had to replace a seized caliper (dejavu?), except this time on the rear right wheel. God be praised the warranty covered most of it. when it rains it pours, as my grandmother says.
4.21.2005
i'm on my way
i'm making the trip.
yes, i am driving to Noveau Brunswick. i've done it once since graduation three years ago and hated it. it took so much longer than i remembered! plus i got a speeding ticket from some grumpy french cop, or was i the grumpy one? anyway, i'm coming back next week for my sister's graduation. my dad is flying into toronto and we are driving up together. i figure one more visit to ye olde alma mater can't hurt too much.
i would love to see as many of you my friends as possible in that short time. we will arrive thursday early afternoon and leave friday early afternoon. so i have a few hours to visit.
you know who you are. let's make it happen.
4.13.2005
a rant ... of sorts
right now in canada the big deal is the fight for the traditional definition of marriage. i have struggled with this. i believe strongly in marriage. i think that it is one of the greatest illustrations we have of relationship with God, and one of the greatest opportunities we have to love on people (in and through the marriage and family). i also believe the practice of homosexuality is a distortion of God's good intention for us and contrary to his good plan for us. however, i cannot in good conscience join the fight for the traditional definition of marriage.
why? several reasons. i think that the church on the whole (there are exceptions) has done a terrible job of loving those we don't like. homosexual people already face persecution in our culture, and instead of providing a safe haven the church has contributed to the persecution. we have become a place where people are afraid to admit their weaknesses, struggles, and sinful behaviour for fear that they will be judged, condemned, or shunned. i am afraid that fighting to defend the traditional definition of marriage only contributes to an already ugly image that our culture has of the christian church. i realize that Christ told us that the world will hate us, but are they supposed to hate us because we hate them back or because our love and acceptance is so radical that they can't stand it?
donald miller in searching for God knows what puts voice to some thoughts that have been developing in me better than i ever could. here is some of what he said:
A moral message, a message of us vs them, overflowing in war rhetoric, never hindered the early message of grace, of repentance toward dead works and immorality in exchange for a love relationship with Christ. War rhetoric against people is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers. In fact, even today, moralists who use war rhetoric will speak of right and wrong, and even some vague and angry god, but never Jesus. Listen closely, and I assure you, they will not talk about Jesus.
In my opinion, if you hate somebody because they are different from you, you'd best get on your knees and repent until you can say you love them, until you have gotten your soul right with Christ.
I can't say this clearly enough: If we are preaching morality without Christ, and using war rhetoric to communicate a battle mentality, we are fighting on Satan's side. This battle we are in is a battle against the principalities of darkness, not against people who are different from us. In war you shoot the enemy, not the hostage. (pp. 190-191)
4.12.2005
a new kind of christian
i finished reading a new kind of christian by brian mclaren today. it was very thought provoking. i have that feeling like i was privileged to listen in on a conversation that was incredibly insightful, but that also sent me reeling. i feel like there is so much that i've already forgotten, so much to ponder, so much to let sink in. i think i need to let my mind soak for a while. in fact, my mind is so overloaded, i don't even have the wherewithall to post a summary of some of the most challenging ideas here for discussion. maybe later.
for now, if you have read the book, what did you think of his ideas about modern and postmodern, individual and corporate salvation, and/or heaven and hell?
4.09.2005
brokenness and relationship
on my journey thus far (read about it here) i am finally coming to a place where i am beginning to see the light. i cannot express how wondrous that is. light means hope and joy and life and - of all things - emotion. i am beginning to feel God again!
part of my journey includes asking searching questions like what does it really mean to be a christian? how does one become a christian? what would cause a rich, successful, kind, generous, for all appearances "got it together" kind of person to desire to be a christian? why is christianity something that every person should subscribe to? what makes it something that everyone needs, whether rich or poor, kind or a jerk? as i ponder these kinds of questions, i am slowly becoming more and more convinced that the message of christianity, the message of jesus, is incomplete and useless without an understanding of our brokenness. unless we first understand that we are all screwed up, that each one of us has contributed in some way to the filth and sin that surrounds us, then there is no need for a messiah. jesus is the solution to a worldwide problem, and unless we recognize that problem we will never recognize jesus for who he is. i am becoming more and more convinced that this is all that our faith is about. God came to rescue us, to restore us to relationship with him. it's not about morality, it's not about politics, it's not about heaven and hell, it's about restoring a broken relationship.
as i continue down the road, my mentor has assigned me to read two books: searching for God knows what by donald miller, and a new kind of christian by brian mclaren. i just finished the former last night around 12:30 am. it was excellent. and the coolest thing about it was that his book was exactly about what i have been thinking about like i described above. except that his thoughts were much more fully developed and he said it much better than i ever could. this book for me was a reinforcing and further developing of the core idea that i was becoming convinced our faith is really all about.
in his book, miller formulates our faith as a relationship with God, begun in the garden of eden and tragically broken through the deception and betrayal of adam and eve. the rest of the bible then is the story of God slowly and lovingly restoring that broken relationship. the bible does not include a how-to list for getting right with God. there are no bullet points or theological charts. there are stories, poems, visions, songs, parables, and letters. these are the literature of relationship, of heart and soul. the answer to man's problem is not in believing some fact, but in God himself. we find new life not in believing that jesus is God, but in giving ourselves to him in relationship as a bride gives herself to her husband in a marriage union. and scripture is full of God's love, anger, and passion as he patiently works to restore us from our betrayal.
miller begins by first establishing that our faith is best understood as relationship with God, then develops a comprehensive personality theory explaining human behavior as a direct result of God's absence. he says that we were designed to be in relationship with God, and without that we will die. the result of adam and eve's sin was death because their sin destroyed their relationship with God, it cut them off from God and without God humans die.
i could go on, but you would be better off reading the book for yourself. i thought it was one of the best explanations i have ever heard for the entire message of the bible. every theological tenet i believe in makes more sense when understood in this framework of relationship. it explains our brokenness, our need for God, why we die, why we wear clothes, why jesus matters, why the jews were chosen, why the ten commandments were given, and most importantly, why people have and do die rather than give up their faith in jesus christ. it's not a new idea, but it is, for me, a most beautiful way to understand my faith.
have you read it? what did you think?
3.31.2005
another song
here's another song i've written. it kindof goes along with my story from a few posts back. it's a song dealing with the frustration of feeling at a place where i was lost but didn't know exactly where to turn or how to get out. i debated with myself about putting some redemptive uplift near the end, but decided to leave it with the frustrating feeling of lostness. my redemption finds it's voice in other songs. this is one of my favorite songs that i have written so far, and it is my first rock song. (most of my stuff is pretty mellow)
the world around i thought i knew, when i arrived it crumbled too
as soon as i stepped out the door, confusion knocked me to the floor
she opened up her arms to me, then she bent me over her knee
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
the way ahead had seemed so clear, but now there's no direction here
jumping ship had crossed my mind, don't worry dad i'm doing fine
i picked a door and headed in, obedience or was it sin
a thousand more doors lay before, wonder what's in door twenty four
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd
dichotomy of two extremes
while i am choking in between
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
3.30.2005
a little help from my friends
okay, i have an idea for a song, so i thought i'd post what i have so far and get some imput. the basic concept is a song dealing with the struggle of dying to self. i'm calling it slow suicide. (apologies in advance if some find this offensive due to past experiences)
o joyous rapture sweet, the sunlight on your hair
then you came into my house and you started to tear it apart
slow suicide
dying every day a little bit more
it's an upside down surprise
the only way to life - through this darkened door
paradox is the only way this seems to be
inside out and my imperfections screaming at me
watcha gonna do, where you gonna turn, is this the only way?
slow suicide
dying every day a little bit more
it's an upside down surprise
the only way to life - through this darkened door
that's all i have so far. if you have any suggestions please give them. on the theological accuracy, on the emotional tension, on the rhyme. anything. like it, hate it. let me know.
3.22.2005
hy-koo
my dear friend mark b. of the silver platter fame has decided to try his hand at haiku poetry. it seems everyone is jumping on the haiku bandwagon in his comments post. why should i be left out? i'll try it here.
so, witness the glory of my first ever haiku poetry:
strangely an art form.
who made this up anyway?
they had opium.
what the crap is that?
who the..what the..err, ahhh, no.
a monkey typing.
aitu gofedo
ljkitex uwlk bidtcoljtu
ailwaktuflfjl
time that you die - d'oh!
i mean, time to end this post.
i killed the monkey.
witness my triumph
thanks for your kind responses to my last post. i am glad it was helpful and encouraging to you. yes, i remember you kayla. thanks for stopping by. i married my sweetheart, karen. i met her here in k-town. anonymous, i have the utmost respect for you and your journey. don't give up. i'm not gonna.
i am slowly learning (thanks to a ponderously thick skull) that God gives me things because he wants me to share them. sometimes that is incredibly intimidating. a story full of hurt and shame and confusion. songs full of my most intimate feelings about God. poems... ahh.. who'm i kidding. i only wish i wrote poems. actually i have written a few, but i don't think they're that good. maybe i'll get around to posting one sometime and let the people judge. or maybe i'll write a new one just for you. ...ummm, maybe later.
here's a glimpse into my twisted psyche. this morning as i was getting about my day, i was singing stupid lines of rhyme out loud - to tunes reminiscent of a broadway musical. at least so i thought. i said to karen as we were eating breakfast, "hey, wouldn't it be fun to make a mock broadway production and do it at youth? ha ha.. funny." she just kindof looked at me like i was from another planet. i'm becoming quite fond of that look. i think she likes me.
easter is in just a few days. this has always been my favorite christian holiday. so full of hope and life and all that is good and great about jesus. plus when i was a kid our church would have this huge easter morning breakfast with a short sunrise service at a house overlooking the valley and the sunrise. in the crisp alaskan air of april it was quite beautiful. my favorite part was the breakfast. it was huge. i mean massive. egg casseroles, fruit, ham, waffles, you name it we probably had it. mmm.... i'm getting hungry. man i love easter. but i miss those breakfasts. and the easter baskets full of teeth rotting chocolates. good times.
my wife tells me there are two kinds of people in the world: people who eat to live, and people who live to eat. my wife is the former. i am the latter. boy am i ever. sometimes when we are eating a meal, i ask her how the food is. when i ask that question, i would love to have answers ranging from how it compares to the same type of food we had at that restaurant last week to how the balance of spices pleases the tastybuds on her tongue. she usually says something to the effect of, "meh." it's then i remember that she is of the first type of people and i am of the second.
cha-cha-cha changin' (musical interlude in my head) turn and face the .... da da da da da da da da ... somthing... la la... but i can't change time...
yeah, so.... i better go before i say something stupid.
3.11.2005
a story :: or, i spill my guts
disclaimer :: this is a very long posting, continue at your own peril
i've been on a journey for the past 6 months or so. i've given you small glimpses into my heart and mind at times, but the bulk of it i have kept hidden.
here's some of what i've been dealing with:
last year, i was finding myself frustrated, disenchanted, and confused about my experiences with church as i knew it. i have talked about this a little bit, but by no means extensively. i began meeting with a mentor who helped guide me on a journey of self-discovery that began with a stripping away of what i thought church, or more specifically, my relationship with God consisted of. it was a shock-treatment of sorts, and it worked. marvelously so. an example: "devotions" for me had for so long (most of my life) been something i struggled with doing regularly, and i was constantly plagued with feelings of guilt and/or remorse for not being a "good Christian" by spending regular time with God (translate: reading my bible and praying). so i quit. or, rather, i only read my bible when i wanted to. the rest of the time i didn't. it was exhilarating! i was drunk with freedom. i was also terrified. what would this mean for my soul? was i endangering my eternal destiny? what would this do to my relationship with God?
i experienced a moment in my car driving to work one morning that helped me tremendously in this process. in fact, i still refer to it often in my mind and heart to give me confidence as i continue this treacherous pathway. i was driving to work, talking with God about this dreadfully exhilarating experiment i was about to try, and i sensed his pleasure with me trying it. i sensed that what he wanted from me was genuine interest, not dutiful obedience. he was just as eager for me to do this as i was, and he gave me the permission i needed to walk away from him. for me, the only way to find God was to leave the one i knew. my "relationship" with God was wrapped up so much in the religious activities i had been taught were "vital" to a good Christian existence that i had not yet encountered in a life changing way the real God of the universe.
so i entered the most difficult spiritual trial i have ever experienced. i walked right into it, eager yet tentative, excited yet terrified. i knew there was no other path for me. i became numb to all things God related. i did not feel God's presence. i did not feel any of the sensations and emotions i had come to enjoy and rely on as part of my Christian experience. this lasted for several months, and at first i reveled in it. i was like gollum when he first had the ring in his hands. oh the freedom from all the guilt and self-condemnation i had been privy to for far too long! eventually, however, came the point where the blackness became more real. not only could i no longer feel guilty for not getting up at 6:30 to read my bible, i could also no longer feel the joy of worship or the restful peace of being in God's presence. i began to wonder if this Christianity thing was really worth it. i began to wonder if i even wanted to follow Christ. for the first time in my life i wished i could get away from all things God-related. i also was struggling terribly to serve my church as a youth pastor in the face of all this doubt and darkness in my soul.
i reached a point where i realized i did not want to stay where i was, but i did not know where to go. i still didn't want to read my bible and spend time with God if it were something i dreaded or felt i had to do out of obligation, and for me the thought of doing that still had those feelings tied to it like a chain. part of me thought that i needed to find some way of reading the scriptures, of re-establishing contact with God - and i even thought that God was asking me to do this. i didn't do it. i was still too afraid that it would become the way it was before - drudgery, obligation with no joy. i entered a period that i think was disobedience. God wanted me back and i turned my back to him.
in all of this my guiding light, my foothold, was the idea and hope that God would never give up on me - that i could ask honest questions and search for truth with the confidence that if i wandered in the wrong direction God would come looking for me and bring me home again. this was my rock, my hope, my only hope in the blackest night. i did not know where to turn, and when i thought i did know i knew i could not honestly go there. i could not honestly spend time reading my bible, doing those traditional religious activities that are supposed to help me connect with God, because in my heart i did not want to. in all of this my one conviction was to be real, to become real with God.
God, i believe, brought my attention to several books. the first was "surprised by joy" by c.s. lewis. this book helped me realize one main idea: i could not get away from God. i had no real option other than to serve God. no matter how much i wished to run away from my Christian faith, i knew i could not. a secondary idea spurred off of that one: i could do no other thing with my life than serve the church. anything else i tried to do would turn me into a shrivelled shell of a miserable man. a thought from lewis stuck out at me through this time - lewis in his childhood had experienced an anger at God for creating him without lewis' permission. similarly, i realized eventually that i was angry at God for not giving me any real options. i could serve God with my life or self-destruct. what kind of choice is that? i could serve the church or be miserable all my days. where is the second option there? i felt robbed of any choice for my life. more accurately, i felt robbed of control.
therein lay the key: i had taken control of my life back into my own hands and was acting like a two year old kicking and screaming because i couldn't have my own way. not that there was even anything else i would choose - i was just resentful that i didn't have a choice.
God brought another book along, recommended to my by a friend: "blue like jazz" by donald miller. this book was for me a breath of fresh air, like cool water to a parched throat. it told me that i was not alone on this journey, but that many others were travelling with me, ahead of me, behind me. God knew what he was doing in me and he's got experience working with people.
i continued to plod along, struggling to even want to head in to work in the mornings. that's what it was for me, this pastoring thing - work. i had the constant sensation of falsehood, of hypocrisy - the ever underlying fear that i would be found out to be the fraud i felt myself to be. pastors are supposed to have it all together, are they not, to be ahead of the game. at least that's what i thought. i was not, and in a journey of learning to be real with God, feeling like i was fake with everyone else was eating me up inside. finally i talked to my pastor about it. i had been telling him bits of my journey here and there, but finally i let it all out. how i felt like i was ripping the church off by not being able to give my full energy to being a youth pastor. he was very gracious and understanding, as all good pastors are, and i left that meeting feeling so much better simply for getting it off my chest.
i still found church activity very empty for me. sunday mornings were a dutiful chore to get through as part of my job. if it were my choice i probably wouldn't have attended much for the past few months. then one friday i was lying in bed - my day off. i was going to sleep in that morning, but my wife called from work on her break to let me know that she was feeling frustrated that i wasn't pulling my weight around the house. she had to get it off her chest, she said. i lay back on my pillow after hanging up the phone, at the end of my line. i felt like i was not only cheating the church out of their youth pastor, but also cheating my wife out of her husband. i had no motivation to go to work, no motivation to clean the house, no motivation to work on my relationship with my wife, no motivation to even get out of bed. so, as in many such introspective moments, i began to talk to God about it. i told him how frustrated i was with this process that had been dragging on for so long, trapping me in it's talons and numbing me to the things i love most in life. i told him how angry i was at him, and as i lay there crying and praying i began to realize that more than anything i was just afraid. more than being angry at God for taking away my control, i was terrified that giving control back to God would mean going back to the old days of guilt and obligation. of all things, that i wanted least. the words seem strong, but i would almost rather die than go back to the way things were. i was afraid. no, i was petrified.
in all of this journey, i have never been able to doubt God. i have never been able to think God dishonourable or a grouchy ogre out to get me. thankfully, i have seen God do too many things in my family and in my own life to doubt his trustworthyness. the issue was more one of me being able to trust, to let go. but i was at an end. i could not, would not live this way any longer. i knew turning to God was my only option, and i knew deep down that really God was trustworthy. so i gave up. i quit. in my mind i imagined myself reaching out with my two hands, in the centre of my palms lay my trembling bleeding heart, and i gave it to God. i let go.
the rest of the day i felt that i was at peace with God again. i still had and have many unanswered questions. i still was and am terrified at the thought of going back to the way i used to be, but i know that God was the one who started me on this terrible wonderful journey and i know he will be the one who brings me back out again. in many ways i feel like this has been my "mines of moria" (sp?) experience. i dodged the balrog by God's grace and hopefully the exit is somewhere around the corner. but really i don't know. maybe this tunnel will go on forever. maybe i will ever be forced to follow in darkness. maybe i will forever be numb to the emotions i used to know as the wonderful part of church. so far God hasn't really offered any explanations or answers. it has been more like the experience of job - am i going to trust or not?
the third book i "stumbled" across this past week. yesterday, actually. i was looking for a book to give to a teen who was asking some pretty tough questions, so i was thumbing my way through "disappointment with God" by philip yancey. it caught my interest and i ended up spending most of my day at the office reading this book from cover to cover. in its pages i found God beginning to show me who he really is and what he is really like. i am beginning to discover a God worth serving. not a God who makes me feel guilty or wants my obligatory service, but a God who entices me with his strength and weakness, holiness and grace, personality, emotion, passion, and mystery.
i am still numb to many things. i still have oodles of questions. i still find some things confusing. i am still afraid to try many of the classic spiritual disciplines for fear they will take me back to the person i used to be. i am still struggling along. but i feel a heck of a lot better than i did two months ago. and i am heaps excited to become the person God is molding me into. i believe that this process, this journey, is all part of his plan for me and that in the end he is going to use the things i am learning to help me serve him and his church better than i ever could before.
i have hope again, and that is a lot.
