for your viewing pleasure, a list:
p. confession. i've grown bored with blogdom. or perhaps bored is the wrong word. i think more accurately i have found that working all day to come home tired leaves me with little in the way of creative stimulus. and if i'm not feeling creative, i'm not likely to write much since i don't want to bore you with lame crap. or bore myself with lame crap. or just produce lame crap in general.
s. gabriel is growing, smiling, making baby noises, and other miscellaneous cuteness. i would apologize for the lack of pictures, but see #1.
k. check this out for some crazy but true happenings in kazakhstan involving huge amounts of oil money, a tent that absorbs heat from the sun, and a city. seriously, it'll blow your mind. or at least make you smile incredulously.
m. big news. i have begun the process of recording an ep with matt baetz at longshot studios in kingston. very excited. save your pennies boys and girls, because some sweet tunes are coming soon to eardrums near you.
b. things at rustle (the church plant) are progressing well. we are growing together as a community and are hoping to extend an invitation to our neighborhood in january. it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...would you be mine...
g. if you want to know more, write, call, or better yet...come visit.
e. this list has been brought to you by the letter T. mmm...tea.
x. the end. bye. and thanks for stopping by. if anyone still does. which i would be shocked by since i haven't even stopped by for quite some time.
12.11.2006
updater update
11.14.2006
images
if you would like to see some images of folks enjoying our first ever service and open house at rustle, visit my flickr site to peruse them in all their stunning brilliance.
10.29.2006
check it out
a family friend, mike smith, has finally been called up to play with the dallas stars. he started his second game last night against los angeles. two wins so far. go smitty.
p.s. check out flikr for baby pictures
9.24.2006
our little poopsickle
well, what to say. i'm tired. and happy. and tired. but i can't complain - karen is healing from giving birth plus tired plus breastfeeding. i think women got the short end of the stick on this one.
karen loves being a mom. i don't think i've ever seen her so happy. i love it.
what a stud. except this picture makes his head look funny. i love the eyes. it looks like he's communicating some sort of thought, but in reality he's just pooping. his many poop faces are hilarious.
ahhh, genetics. what a fine specimen.
9.07.2006
grandpa's hands
gabriel brandon shillington flew into this world on a wing and a prayer. karen began active labour around 12:00-12:30 pm, we figure. she had just met with the midwife at eleven to find out she was dialated 2 cm, an increase of 1 cm from the week before. by 1:30 we called our doula to come to the house, and by 2:30 the midwives arrived. by this time karen's labour was quite intense. they did another exam at 3:00 and found out she was fully dialated! we were all shocked, and since everything was progressing so fast karen was already ready to start pushing. the midwife gave us the option of proceeding to the hospital like we had originally planned, except we would have to take an ambulance to get her there in time, or we could have the baby at home. we decided to take a chance and go to the hospital. we arrived there around 3:30 or so and at 4:48 gabriel was born. he came out in the caul, another name for the amniotic sac. karen's water never broke, and when gabe came out his head was completely encased in the sac. one midwife exclaimed that she could see him still breathing the amniotic fluid! they broke the sac and brought him out the rest of the way. the midwives were quite ecstatic about having a birth "in the caul" because it is so rare. supposedly, according to legend and what-not, a child born in the caul will never drown and is thought to have supernatural powers, to be a lucky baby, with one foot in the spiritual world and one in the physical. we stayed at the hospital for the required minimum four hours, then came home to our more comfy bed. karen is healing well and we are having a blast learning how to be parents! he is a most beautiful baby.
9.06.2006
9.03.2006
dream-ology
i had a dream the other night. it went something like this:
it was night, but not pitch black. i could still see from the lights of the city around me. i was at work and found myself climbing on the top of the highest tower of a huge stone church. it was an old wooden roof, and as i reached the peak i broke through some rotted wood and began falling. it felt like a long fall through the tower and out into the huge cathedral-like sanctuary, but i didn’t feel afraid. i was thinking about the likelihood of living through the fall, wondering what i would land on, thinking i would probably die and this sucked.
next thing i knew i was at the bottom of the sanctuary looking around, wondering what i landed on. then i noticed my body. i had landed on the wooden pews, with the back of my head smashed open on the edge of one. i thought to myself that i definitely did not have a soft landing and immediately realized that i was dead. i remember being aware that i was dead, but felt no pain, and was acutely conscious of my still being me – just my body was gone. i remember also being aware that i was supposed to continue on to the afterlife, but it was my choice to do so. i had a passing thought that perhaps ghosts (understood as the spirits of dead people with unresolved issues) could exist as people who had died but had refused to move on to their afterlife. i had no desire to do this, however. i knew i needed to move on and knew that i would.
soon after i fell, my coworkers came in to see if i was ok. they saw my body there dead, and me standing nearby. i calmly explained to them that i had fallen through the roof and landed on the pew and was now dead, and i was obviously disappointed this had happened. i didn’t want to be dead, but there was now nothing i could do about it.
knowing that i needed to move on to my afterlife, i first wanted to go say goodbye to my wife. so i went home to tell her that i had a tragic accident at work and was now dead. she was distraught, as could be expected, but also handled the news fairly calmly. i remember holding her, saying goodbye, knowing this was goodbye for a long time. i remember thinking or perhaps saying for her to feel free to find another person to share her life with – wanting her to be happy, to move on with her life.
also, while all this was happening to me, she had given birth to our baby. so when i arrived to tell her i was dead, she had news to tell me. i remember feeling so disappointed and hurt that i had missed the birth of our child, and even more sad that i would miss out on watching him grow up. then she told me that she named him jebediah. i remember feeling confused and angry and hurt that she gave him that name instead of one of the names that we had discussed. i didn’t like the name jebediah, and i remember thinking that the least she could do after my tragic death would be to give the child the name i had wanted for him, or even to name him after me. she seemed at this point in my dream like she was moving on past my death and was ready to say goodbye. she wasn’t fazed at all that i didn’t like Jebediah, but seemed like she expected me to just deal with it since i wasn’t there and it was all now up to her to raise him. i remember feeling hurt by this, and very sad at having to say goodbye to my wife and child when our lives together were just beginning, sad that i would miss so much.
then i woke up.
here's some stuff i found on this website about dream interpretations. there's some interesting bits...
Death
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
Fall
To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.
To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.
Family
To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.
Wife
To see your wife in your dream, signifies discord and unresolved issues.
Son
To see your son in your dream, signifies your ideal, hopes, potential, and the youthful part of yourself. On the other hand, to see your son in your dream might not have any significance and is simply mirroring your waking life. The dream may also be a pun on "sun".
8.20.2006
heart rustlings and many swears
i work on a roofing crew. by reputation, roofing crews are made up of rough men, and mine is no exception. these guys tell stories of doing things many would be shocked to hear, all as if it's no more than another normal day. three of them are facing charges that could send them to prison. i love them all.
here's the thing: i want to be a positive influence on the world around me. i am trying to learn how the love of God penetrates even the darkest places...and i am still left puzzling over this many days. i find too often i get caught up in their way of doing things more than i would like to admit. swearing is one thing. "admiring the beauty" of girls walking by is another. (rooftops afford an excellent view.)
my heart is disturbed. i feel quiet murmers within my chest, whispers that all is not well.
i am left leaning on grace.
i decided i don't like to swear. and checking out girls feels disrespectful to me. even as i write this i am hoping my wife doesn't read it. and yet...
maybe she will. i need her grace too. i am full of weakness. it is often in her words and in her arms that i find the grace of God. it is often in her presence that i am reminded where my priorities really lie, where the space i want my life to be is found.
many swears and rooftop views are not that space.
how can Jesus shine through me? how can my hands and voice become the channel he can use in the places i walk? this is the direction i long to go. this is the space i want to live in.
today i feel far away, in need of grace. tomorrow maybe i will see some jesus at work, or maybe not. either way i have to try. i have to believe that jesus will use me somehow, and that his light in my life can make a difference in dark places. i have to hope.
until next time, enjoy my brokeback picture.
8.14.2006
squirmon
for those of you who are interested, you can listen to the talk i gave at next on july 9 here. if that doesn't work, go here and click on the link to it in the sidebar.
this sunday is the 30th anniversary of the church my grandfather helped start in kingston. this is a picture from the groundbreaking. i think he's the tall guy in the middle toward the left. the woman in the front with the blue dress is my grandmother.
7.31.2006
week thirty-five
we are nearing the end... the midwife tells us that the baby can come anytime after 37 weeks. we finally acquired the crib and have started setting up the baby's room...still a bit more to do. we had narrowed down our list of names from about six to two, but the other day we looked at our list again and it went back up to three. no, we're not telling. ...i always get karen to smile for the camera. one of these days i'll have to take one when she's not looking so you get to see the real pregnancy! although, the little jig she did all on her own. i was just lucky enough to catch it.
7.20.2006
newsworthy items ???
karen and i went on a cruise tuesday among the many thousand islands to heart island where we took in boldt castle. karen's nephew ken and his girlfriend karlene were visiting for a few days and went with. it was a beautiful day. we filled ourselves with fajitas later that evening. more pictures can be had on my flicker site.
.jpg)
7.12.2006
pictures of the boy
the boy is about four and a half pounds now. we enjoyed seeing his chubby little cheeks in the ultrasound. he moves around all the time. it feels so amazing to put my hand on karen's belly and feel the kicks and rolls and movements. soon we get to meet him! pray for karen, she's uncomfortable most of the time. those are a hand and foot beside his face. he wouldn't move them so we could only see half of his face.
6.28.2006
blow me down, me hearties
i apologize for the lack of postage recently. well, really my apology is nothing more than a self-serving superficiality, for i am really sorry only that my lack of postage means the trickle of comments on my blog has run dry. so here i go again on my own.
unfortunately, sometimes on my own i don't have a lot to say. here's all i've got for tonight...
recent doings:
1) working - a lot! i start at seven, and some days don't get home till seven or eight. it means that when i get home i have time to shower, eat, and go to bed. not much time for thinking, i'm afraid.
2) rustling - at the church plant (named rustle church) we are almost finished tearing out and are in the rebuilding phase. (we've been doing some desperately needed remodeling and fixing up.) we have a guy from france named vincent volunteering for a month during the summer. he's trying to learn english better via immersion while chasing God in a new country for a short time. saturday we have our big freakin' yard sale to try to get rid of a bunch of junk and get to know some neighbors.
3) speaking - i'm speaking at next july 9 on matthew 12:1-14. main idea: we often let our religious systems take over and become rigid and judgmental. jesus wants us to remember the heart of the message. something like that. it's really better than it sounds. i still haven't solidified my 3am test yet (grin and nod out to you homiletics students). i'm a bit nervous to speak as i have never spoken at next and haven't done it at all for about a year, but i am also very excited because i think the message i have is one that God has been growing in me for a couple years now. so it is exciting to see some good stuff coming after the dry spells.
4) listing - in case you haven't noticed, i just made my first ever blog list. shite - i've taken another step into bloggermania!
5) leaving - goodnight. you should also leave ...me a comment and then leave to check out this blog for the great writing and fun pictures.
6.10.2006
in the garage
i put together another song in garageband, with the help of my brother on the drum tracks. i think it turned out pretty good. check it out at my purevolume site here. it is called 'chase me down'. i sang it at next a couple months ago.
i said goodbye to my family this morning. they took the powerbook and left for alaska. i had fun visiting with them and playing with garageband while they were here.
new song
my grandmother died last friday. the funeral was tuesday morning. it has been a good time with family. i was up early on sunday morning so picked up my guitar and started picking around. i ended up writing a song that i sang at the funeral with my sister. my mom had brought a mac powerbook with her and i got playing around with garageband. with my brother's help, i recorded my song for all to hear. it's called "not the ending (song for grandma)". have a listen to it here. i think it's pretty good.
5.26.2006
church? aliens? what?
i just finished reading an article my dad forwarded to me. it's a few years old, by dr. thom ranier, and is called "ten surprises about the unchurched: understanding their hearts and minds."
i have a couple questions that arise from my reading of this article, and they stem more from feelings i get while reading and thinking than from fully developed thoughts. i would like to state them for you to help me with my thinking - agree, disagree, help!
first, read the article.
second, i don't like the term, or the way the term is used, of "the unchurched." that people are placed into this category of unchurched feels to me of us/them-ism. my question is this: how can we speak intelligently and gracefully about the reality of the difference in people before an encounter with the living God and after, without categorizing and making an in/out, us/them kind of environment or way of thinking? the way dr. thom speaks of this group of people makes me feel (as one who is not unchurched, but indeed seeks to spread the message of jesus) like a missionary with all the answers looking to help the poor deluded savages. i don't think that way of thinking is helpful, respecful, or in any way good. yet i also recognize an element of truth (albeit easily twisted into error) that we have the love of God "shed abroad" in our hearts and must share that with those who don't (the error being a belief that we have the message of God and all who would find that must find it from we few who hold the truth). how can we begin to speak and think in a way that balances the truth that we have a relationship with a person who others need to encounter, without somehow placing everyone who doesn't have this relationship in an outside category. i find it frustrating even knowing how to express my thoughts in words, for as i type i find thoughts colliding. i sense in my heart there is something wrong with how we have long engaged those who need jesus. i respect the heart of what dr. thom is trying to say and do in this article. i have no issue with him, but would like to use that article and the language used in it to point out what i think is a cronic error easily made (and made by myself for many years). i would like your engagement with this issue to help me sort my thoughts out into a more understandable way of explaining what i am feeling. i hope this makes at least a little bit of sense.
thirdly, my second question/issue arises with the conclusion implied in the article, expressly or otherwise, that church (or more church) is the solution for the "problem" of being "unchurched." i would like to suggest, rather adamantly, that more church is not what people need, if by church people think religion or religious activities. if by church dr. thom and others mean engagement with the living God through community with other jesus-followers, then by all means, invite people into the midst of that! i fear, however, that the language and wording of church, unchurched, and so on leads more to religion and religious activities than it does to real engagement with God and others. i fear that too often the religious activities we engage in when we attend "church," and the satisfaction we feel from participating in something deemed good by society and larger than ourselves and shared by people across the world, mask the ability of people to really engage with the truth that is jesus christ. i know that this is probably not true in your church, but how many people do you know that attend church because they think they need some religion in their lives, or because they like the positive things they get from going on sunday mornings? how many people think they need to attend church because religious activity is deemed to somehow be a positive thing in their lives? now, i recognize that their are many positive elements in religion, but there are also many horrible elements. i propose that following the way of jesus is not a religious activity, but a completely upside down, transformational way of living that encompases, envelops, enhances, transforms, and overwhelmes any religious activity. the way of jesus forces us to move away from our "me-me-me" focused living toward a "service to others" focused living. but how often are we taught this in church? too often it is about living right, doing the right things, and all kinds of religious stuff that are usually good at heart but lose their meaning and usefulness when focus on following the way of jesus in the kingdom of God is forgotten or ignored. i fear that inviting the "unchurched" to become "churched" is a fruitless endeavor. what can we do to help people move from not following jesus in the context of healthy community to following jesus in said community rather than merely helping them move from not religious to more religious?
those are my thoughts so far. what are yours?
5.17.2006
5.12.2006
of sunsets and sonshine
we had a meeting of the "crazy eight" monday night at al's house, a group of core leaders for rustle (the church plant). there were more than eight of us. we had meat and salad and good conversation with prayers. there was a moment for me as it was growing dark where i looked around and felt that i was in church, the body of christ in the world, we few sitting around feeding pinapple heaven into our mouths and talking about how to discover the kingdom of God in kingston, and it was beautiful.
i am more excited about following jesus than i have ever been. life is good.
4.24.2006
have a listen
now that i have high-speed internet access, i have finally been able to post some of my songs on a purevolume site. go here to check it out, or click the link on the sidebar. let me know what you think of them. i need honest feedback. unfortunately i can only put four songs on the site unless i pay, but i'm too cheap at this point, so i may revolve the songs i have there...we'll see. also, i do not have any recordings of the songs whose lyrics i have posted on this blog as of yet. anyway, have a listen and come back to tell me what you think, keeping in mind these are rough recordings.
4.13.2006
beautiful kingdom
i've been learning much lately about the kingdom of God - discovering in a new way what the way of jesus that i attempt to follow is really all about. in summary, redeeming everything. if you want to know more, there are many other more qualified writers than i to describe it for you. suffice to say for myself, that i have been brought to tears with joy at what i am learning about following Jesus. my brother wrote me an email the other day in which he described an anecdote that i think beautifully illustrates the new kingdom life that i am discovering. he gave me permission to share it here. enjoy.
Hey hey, sounds like life is exciting there eh! Well it's kind of so here as well. I guess that all depends on your definintion of exciting. You see, today I woke up, made a bagel, and went to let a dog out, for I am a house-sitter. So i ate my bagel as I drove to school, listening to Jadon Lavik. I know, it sounds pretty mediocre at most, however!! Let me expand. As I drove to school(which sounds mediocre at most) I also saw another car! and in that car, w as a man, and a woman, and their little kitty cat. i know what you are thinking, you think that it is just another normal day(which sounds at least medicore..(at most)). So i went to calculus, and left class. Well allow me expand my story further still!! When I looked over at the lady, while I ate my cherry tomatos from the grocery store, the cat also looked up and made a valiant effort to get some attention from the passenger in the front seat(the lady that is). All the while time is moving at a slow pace, because to tell a story in a paragraph that occured in almost 2 seconds, one must invariably slow down the pace of time itself( for the sake of telling story in some detail). So I looked over at the cat, while the lady looked up at me, and smiled. So I averted my eyes from the cat to hers and smiled back, then looking back at the road and returning to suck the life-juice from my tomato (because it just isn't polite to stare). So all in all, it was, in fact medicore(at most) but it was nice, because as you can see, a smile, and the story behind it is worth a thousand words. So you might be thinking, 'all that for just a smile?' Well my friends, do i have more for you. You see, i haven't expanded on the history of the story. I recently purchased Jadon Lavik's "Life on the Inside' album. Since it is so amazing, and blessed me so, I have been listening to it profusley. This undoubtedly set my spirit right, as I have been in good spirits lately, and smiling only comes naturally when God is in you. So good can be found in even a mediocre(at most) day if you look for it. Anyways, this wasn't where my email was gonna go, but i think I had fun typing it. I'm doing quite well, besides being discouraged with calculus, But i know tht everything will work out. Because I believe it will. And God is with me, and Jesus is in me, and Jadon Lavik singing to me! So I will talk to y'all later.
4.12.2006
the falcons cry "aaarrrreeeee!"
i belong to a men's group at our church called the blazing falcons. we do fun stuff together. read about our latest event here. go here for a video of it put together by my friend gerald. go here for a funny music video also made by my friend gerald featuring the falcon's dance troup and my other friend paul's song....from our church's new cd, which can be heard here via the sweet dark player on the sidebar. buy a sweet dark cd if you like it. it's really good.
4.10.2006
i fell in love last thursday
karen and i had our first ultrasound last week. it was incredible to see this tiny baby moving around inside her. it was like nothing i have ever seen, definitely one of the best experiences of my life so far. 
these are some of those newfangled 3-d image projection thingymabobs.
4.03.2006
hiatus
we are moved(ing) into our new house.
i finally got internet access (high-speed now, thanks be to the cable guys).
my computer is set up on my dryer because i don't have ends on the cat5 cable routed through my house. i can only stand there in front of it for so long.
we are very busy, so please forgive my lack of postage.
in other news, things are moving ahead quite quickly for me to be helping with a church plant here in k-town. very excited. we have already purchased a building and will begin meeting there shortly. al (pastor i'll be working with) was filling out stuff today to get internship funding for me so i can begin putting time in at the plant. so it looks like i'll be doing another fm internship. good times. hope i don't have too many reports to do.
in other other news, saturday night i attended the blazing falcons iron chef competition. (blazing falcons is the name of our men's group at next church) we divided into teams, were given a pound of bacon and $20, and told to create a three course dinner (app, main, dessert) with bacon in each one. we were given 90 minutes and then judged. my team came in second out of about fifty-seven (*ahem* three) teams. the meals were surprisingly delish. every thing from budget kd with bacon to bacon-wrapped filet mignon and bacon-wrapped scallops to chocolate covered bacon and chocolate chip cookies cooked with bacon grease instead of butter. go here for pics.
mmmm....bacon.
3.10.2006
witty wordsome
i'm looking for a magazine to subscribe to. more specifically, i would like a magazine that talks about music and culture and includes a sampler cd with new music on it. i found one called paste that i really like. their tag line is "signs of life in music, film, and culture." it is very artistic, smart, fun to look at and read, and covers the kinds of music and stuff that i like. i also like that it is not just about music, but also reviews films and books. the only reason i hesitate is that it is an american mag so doesn't feature much new canadian content unless they get exposure in the states as well. so i ask you, gentle readers, do you know of a similar mag that would feature more canadian content?
3.06.2006
trimester one
we made it through the first trimester. as you can see from our ticker for the wee nipper, we are almost two weeks into our second trimester. the first was pretty awful for karen. she was sick most of the time. we are hoping it gets better.
i wrote a song in memorial of those three months. enjoy.
one day she woke up, rolled over; everything was different
she felt it soon after - beginning and end of all the laughter
she tells me it hurts her. she'd rather be doing anything
anything, anything but this. she cannot hide or try to run away now
she wakes up, rolls over; eats crackers in hope she'll have a good day
instead she feels nauseous. i hold her, she cries i cannot take this
she tells me it hurts her. she'd rather be doing anything
anything, anything but this. she cannot hide or try to run away now
inside her miracle was taking over
a new lifeform was growing and taking over
together we'll face this. we're smiling and hoping it gets better
there's good days and bad days, but all days are happier in some ways
we'll soon be a family. we wouldn't want anything
anything, anything but this. we cannot hide or try to run away now
inside her miracle has taken over
a new lifeform is growing and taking over
inside her miracle has taken over
a new lifeform is growing and taking over
3.01.2006
goat cheese
karen and i put an offer on a house today. wow. we are very excited. it is a semi in kingston, a new model home. you can see it here. karen wan't handling the smell of the sulfur water at our apartment very well, and we would rather be putting our money into an investment rather than rent, and there were a couple other reasons as well...so we decided to buy a house. we looked around and this one was the nicest we saw in our price range, what with it being new and all.
2.17.2006
carbonated holiness
one secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.
ha! fun...
and
rule 1: when all else fails, follow instructions. and rule 2: don't be an asshole.
2.14.2006
it's like being married to my best friend, except she lets me touch her boobs
big news from the shillington house!
we're having a baby! it's true. yes, i know many of you will wonder how such a thing could be. let me assure you. if my wife were not pregnant, she would merely be quickly gaining belly fat, and that would be a bad thing. this is not a bad thing. she is pregnant. we are now in the twelfth week. yesterday karen had her first meeting with our midwife and she got to hear the heartbeat! amazing! this thing is the size of a lime, but it has a heartbeat and fingers and toes and is beginning to develop into a wee little boy or girl.
karen's been really sick so far, but the first trimester is almost over and she is starting to feel a little better. also the midwife gave her some meds that are supposed to help.
it's incredible! i'm really excited, but i also have those (as karen so eloquently described them) "oh, shit, what have we done!" moments. the sense of responsibility is beginning to set in already. we're due september 5.
2.07.2006
project financing
i want to record an album. and i mean a good studio recording. problem is it costs quite a bundle. i'm beginning to save for it, and i am wondering if there is anyone out there who would be interested in helping finance my project. any takers? free cd after it's completed for any contributions of $30 or more.
2.03.2006
sometimes shite
i have found that the last week or so i have been gettting cold feet about the electrician thing. i'm having a hard timefinding someone to hire me and have been a little discouraged by that.starting to wonder if it is really what i want to do for the next fiveyears. i'm actually starting to think that perhaps i'm more ready to pastor again than ithought i was. i still have some issues i'm working through in my head and heart. karen and i had a good chat about it the other night before we went to sleep. she was reminding me to try to figure out what i'm really passionate about in life, and go do something to do with that. as i reflect on this, i think about how angry i become at the thought of people being turned away from discovering christ because of an interaction with a person claiming to be a christ follower. i think about how hard i have struggled to discover a faith that is genuine. i think about how much i want to help others discover a genuine, lifechanging faith in christ, about how much i am starting to believe the message jesus proclaims. i think about how frustrated i am with religion that has stripped itself of the life it is supposed to carry. i think this (finding genuine faith and helping point the way for others) is what i am most passionate about...more than anything else i can think of. these are not the musings of an electrician.
i have other thoughts too. thoughts that aren't so happy and encouraging, but give direction just the same. i remember what it was like when i was a pastor before. i remember the miserable days in the office, doing my best to fill time so i could go home. i remember how much i dreaded going into work so many days. sure there were good days too...moments of joy and revelation and seeing what God was doing. but overall my job drained me, and i don't want to go back to that. so when i ponder the pastorate, i find fear in me. fear that i'll be miserable again. these thoughts are leading me to the conclusion, however, that the way i was pastoring before - that what i thought being a pastor was and the way i carried that out - was shite. shite for me anyway. i think that if i am ever to be a pastor again i need to learn a new way of being apastor. i need to rethink, reimagine what being a pastor can look like. i don't think i was doing it well before, at least not in a way that really engaged mypassions and gifts and got me excited.
anyway, these are new thoughts (as of the past few days) and i would
as i think and pray through them. i think it would be accurate to say i'm really not sure about which way togo right now (electrician or pastor). both directions have their ups and downs....
1.26.2006
impulse shopping
i have a weakness...i like to buy music. well, no. the truth is i like to obtain new music, and since i haven't found a good way to do that cheap and legal it usually means i buy it. i walked into a music store the other day to find that they had a sale on. i picked out a couple cds, but saw so many i wanted i had to get two more. i could easily spend several hundred dollars buying music, just to catch up on stuff i would like to listen to that's been out for a while. keeping up with all the new stuff is incredibly difficult. if only i had high speed internet i could get into online radio and all that... or buying select songs online instead of getting a whole cd. it takes too long to download now on dialup so i don't bother. karen gave me a hard time when i got home for spending sixty bucks on music and told me those four cds had to fulfill my lust for new music till the summer. we laughed as i secretly plotted to get more later.
anyway, as you can see, the four cd's i ended up getting in that sale were interpol:turn on the bright lights, radiohead:ok computer, pearl jam:rearviewmirror, and beck:guero. interpol is a band from n.y. that my brother introduced me to. they sound to me like a cross between radiohead and coldplay. i like them; the only beef i would have is that their guitar playing can grow rather repetitive. good chill out/background music/muzak though. radiohead and pearl jam were both much needed additions to my music collection, and beck intrigued me. i thought he would add some depth to my collection and i knew one song that i liked on guero. the album is different musically from most of the stuff i listen to, but has a nice groove. his poetry style i find quite challenging...short snippets of thoughts strung together.
another band i should mention that i have been enjoying lately is arcade fire. if you enjoy artsy fartsy rock and roll in the genre of the white stripes and so on, check out the arcade fire - a montreal ensemble of canadians and imports. they're quite good.
1.23.2006
rum runner
well, we made it back from alaska ok, after a long flight. we've been getting settled back into a routine of sorts... i guess it's been a month since i last posted. here comes the awful truth - i haven't been interested in blogdom all that much of late. but i'll try to get back into it and post semi-regularly.
we had a good time in alaska. it was very nice to spend some extended time with my family. i am pleased to report that i was introduced to settler's of catan at long last. i loved it, and received the game as a christmas gift, so i'm going to find some people to play with here in k-town. it was a very relaxing time in alaska, lots of game playing, chatting, hanging out, going for drives to see the countryside... much needed r&r.
now i'm back to roofing. i've done some calling around to find an electrical apprenticeship, but it seems those are hard to come by this time of year. slower work time plus required ratios of electricians to apprentices equals no job for me. as april nears i'll keep trying and hopefully find something.
latest news: i'm finally actually trying to start a band. i've asked a couple people and am just waiting to find out who's in and who's not. once we have three or four people we can start to get together and work up some stuff. i really want to do this, but i'm continually plagued by self-doubt ("do i have a good enough voice?" is my main issue) ah well, suck it up brandon, and give it a run.
