i had a dream last night about a guy who i really hurt by some actions i took about a year ago. i mean hurt emotionally. i tried to work it out with him right away...ask forgiveness and so forth, but he didn't want to talk to me then. i saw him recently at an event we both attended, and i was really struck by how he seemed to avoid even saying hello when he would normally (before "the incident") make a point of saying hi. i must admit i didn't go talk to him either.
this has been bothering me every time i think about it. i've managed to forget for a while, but something will happen that reminds me of the unresolved issue there. like this dream. i don't remember what happened in the dream, i just remember it was about him. i know i gotta do something to work it out, but i'm afraid to talk to him. it eats me up inside that i hurt him so much by what i did, and there's nothing i can do to make it go away. i'm left completely powerless, at the mercy of his forgiveness.
i know i need to contact him again, try to apologize again. then at least i've tried. either a friendship gets restored or i rest assured that i've done all i can.
ugghh... i hate thinking about it. makes me feel sick.
night.
1.23.2007
confessions on a dance floor
1.13.2007
some thoughts
first go check out this website called clearification. watch the videos. very funny, hilarious even. recommend provided via nathancolquhoun.com.
recently listening to bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning
too often i find myself navel gazing, so caught up with my own issues that i neglect those around me. i pity the fool.
then come those moments where i am drawn out of myself and reminded that there are others in my world. others who need me. others who care about my well being. i am reminded to look outside myself. often it is in these moments i find the most [insert word for good things here], when i forget myself and freely give myself to others. go figure.
talking with karen today about life, i remarked how difficult it is to admit my issues to others, to really let them see the real me in all my gritty glory. and so it goes. too long have i run independent. keeping myself at arms length from others so appearances are kept up.
sometimes i struggle with life. complicated. independent.
i left home for college when i was seventeen. never looked back. independent.
but i am learning. slowly. rustlers aren't independent. working with al and living with the rustlers is teaching me community. sharing. vulnerability. honesty. i'm a reluctant convert, slow to quench my thirst for acceptance in the safety of loving community.
karen threw a party for my birthday almost a month ago. people came, conversation flowed while food ran wild. then karen pulled out a basket full of cards, into which friends had placed love with dollar bills attached. surprise cd fund. i was speechless, overwhelmed with that awkward feeling of being given far more than i deserved. thanks dribbled down my chin as i went into myself, unsure of what to do. independent. how do i learn to let friends love me like that? they're getting under my skin. i'm falling in love with this rustler crew. "she's good people," the lead hand would say with a goofy grin and a broom in one hand. "have you heard this song?"
to my friends, and i am blessed with many, thank you. thank you for teaching me love, generosity, and community by allowing me to experience it firsthand from your lives.
there is nowhere else i'd rather be.
