shades of grey

i find anne lamott's writing challenges my faith in uncomfortable and troublesome ways. i read about her walk through life being so messy yet full of trust in God, holding significantly different theological positions from myself yet possessing an honesty and heart for service that put my selfish heart to shame. she writes of life in a way that is both troubling and beautiful. as i read i find myself simultaneously laughing and crying, in the same moment disagreeing with her and wishing with all my heart for a mere morsel of the honest faith that she seems to posess. i find the things about life with God that i have for so long thought to be so important, so black and white, beginning to fade into shades of grey. this bothers me. this confuses me. this makes me question and wonder and cry out to God with silent tearful sobs of longing. where is the life that Jesus promised us, promised me? the life that this woman, with all her weaknesses and mistakes, seems to grasp and hold onto with such abundance and wonderful reckless abandon. how can i find this? this freedom to love myself, to forgive my failings and constant inability to measure up to any kind of standard that i ever thought was important.

the terrible truth that is slowly sinking into my heart is that i am hopelessly lost, utterly unable to pull myself out of my self-centered existence for one minute to genuinely love a fellow being. i am completely incabable of this, to think of another above myself long enough to actually begin to live that way. to forget about myself long enough to see myself as Jesus sees me, and to begin to like myself as i am - or even love myself. this is a beginning at least...to know that i am lost. for it is here, in my lost-ness, that i begin to cry out the most genuine prayers that i can pray. prayers that don't have any words because i don't know the words, don't really even know what to ask for or say. i only know that i need help. maybe that is the best prayer of all, "help!"