i work on a roofing crew. by reputation, roofing crews are made up of rough men, and mine is no exception. these guys tell stories of doing things many would be shocked to hear, all as if it's no more than another normal day. three of them are facing charges that could send them to prison. i love them all.
here's the thing: i want to be a positive influence on the world around me. i am trying to learn how the love of God penetrates even the darkest places...and i am still left puzzling over this many days. i find too often i get caught up in their way of doing things more than i would like to admit. swearing is one thing. "admiring the beauty" of girls walking by is another. (rooftops afford an excellent view.)
my heart is disturbed. i feel quiet murmers within my chest, whispers that all is not well.
i am left leaning on grace.
i decided i don't like to swear. and checking out girls feels disrespectful to me. even as i write this i am hoping my wife doesn't read it. and yet...
maybe she will. i need her grace too. i am full of weakness. it is often in her words and in her arms that i find the grace of God. it is often in her presence that i am reminded where my priorities really lie, where the space i want my life to be is found.
many swears and rooftop views are not that space.
how can Jesus shine through me? how can my hands and voice become the channel he can use in the places i walk? this is the direction i long to go. this is the space i want to live in.
today i feel far away, in need of grace. tomorrow maybe i will see some jesus at work, or maybe not. either way i have to try. i have to believe that jesus will use me somehow, and that his light in my life can make a difference in dark places. i have to hope.
until next time, enjoy my brokeback picture.
8.20.2006
heart rustlings and many swears
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11 comments:
Brokeback Brando... I love it. Seriously I'm feeling your post though.
This reminds me of something I read last night. (It's a book for women, so try not to laugh too hard at the title- the quote does apply) The book is 'Do you think I'm beautiful?' by Angela Thomas and she says "Dancing with God requires vulnerability and a true assessment of where we stand, the resources we have, and the struggles we face. We have to be able to honestly look into our lives and see the clutter. We have to be willing to admit where we've turned away from
God or been lured away. We have to look at our lives and own up to the places we've fallen short"
Thanks for sharing your dance with us.
Dude -- I just listened to your Next message. Good stuff; thanks for sharing. It was good to hear your voice again.
robin: thanks. love you buddy...
aphra: good quote. i like the dance metaphor. thanks for stopping by.
Brandon...loved the honesty.
I have a friend who recently talked to me about working with construction workers and how rough the talk is and how he's finding it hard to keep it "right" in the midst of all that crap talk..the sexual jokes, the swearing, etc...It must be tough...and my friend goes home feeling more dirty from the words spoken than from the sweat and dirt of the job.
The "Shine" you speak of was very bright as I read your blog. That is one of the great things about longing for that kind of relationship with Truth and Light. Believe me Brandon He does shine through you and He uses your words to encourage and love and heal those who read them. Thank you for honestly sharing some of your struggles .. the truth is they are our struggles too!
hmmmmm........uh, this might not sound spiritual, but i think it is. your use of vocabulary in this post was really penetrating. yeah.
waiting waiting oh so waiting...waiting for a phone call any day!!!
Brokeback...maybe your connection to the guys is more a concern than we originally thought.... You're still in my prayers, brother, though we don't communicate like we should. I love you.
Hey buddy. I know what you mean. It's like this in the real world and all of us face it. It's different than being in a christian school, a christian college, and then a christian workplace. You step out, and there it is...in all it's worldly glory...the filth, the stench, and it's what jesus was looking for. As christians this is what we should be finding. Not so that we can endure it to test ourselves, but so that our strength can shine into it and brighten it. So that they will look directly to us and ask, 'what do you have? Why do you see a beautiful person when all we see is a hot body? Why do you smile and look into our eyes when we curse at you?' This is what it's about and God's love shining through us is the answer. Buddy i'm praying for you...for strength to be that light, and for love..for others and yourself. I love you Brother. God bless.
it's all about "doing the next right thing - when you screw up, do the next right thing...."
Be blessed and encouraged. Keep the faith - when push comes to shove those who are not of the faith deeply respect those who have a standard. Not rules and regulations....relationship and standards. Although they may not voice it - they are watching - a great opportunity for you to build up your wife (instead of gazing at women) and coming up with something that isnt a curse word and asking God to help you preach His name without using words per se. He is able to do exceedingly abundantly more than we can ever ask or dream for....wow, what an awesome God we serve.
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