muddlesome faith

i understand what my good friend lynn was saying, but i wanted to ramble out some more thoughts in response. (see comment on 'works and faith') i understand the relationship with works being the result of a genuine faith, a life changed by the presence of God. what i find confusing is where it all begins... the whole chicken and egg scenario. as a person raised in the church, i find that sometimes my works become just works, devoid of real faith. as such they have no value. yet james says my faith is valueless when not resulting in real works. presently i am struggling through a spiritual desert of sorts, where i have no feeling, no motivation to do good works other than that i know i ought to. it sucks, big time. so in this place of dryness it feels most of the time like my works are devoid of faith. i am just going through the motions.

here's my issue. in this place, is the best thing for me to keep on 'working' in hope that the reality of grace will return, or should i wait to understand more of the depths of faith before i return to 'works'? see, the more i think and ponder and write, the more i see this as a battle over feelings. my feelings are gone right now. so what will i do in this desert? will i lay down and die, or will i keep stumbling along after the mirage before me until i reach the real spring and feelings return? how do i know i'm working out of a grace based faith when i feel no grace? how do i live a grace filled life - a life full of freedom from guilt - when i feel only obligation? do i misunderstand how this all works? do i truly understand the freedom of grace? do i truly understand how i can be obligated to obey Christ as a free response to his grace in my life? i don't think i do. right now it just feels like stuff i have to do and if i don't i go around feeling guilty for not doing it.

example: if i want to grow in my relationship with Christ, i need to spend time with him daily. this i have been taught and this i believe to be true. as i stumble through this desert, however, i have no desire to spend time with God regularly. when i do, it is more because i know i should, or need to, than because i want to. this desert was birthed out of a journey and struggle to free myself from this very thing. now it seems the direction God is taking me is leading right back to where i began. to be honest this scares the crap out of me and makes me a little bit frustrated. i am having a really hard time trusting God because i don't know where he is taking me and i really don't want to end up back where i began.

i know that there are times we do what is right because it is right rather than because we feel like it - feelings aren't everything. but for this poor wanderer who is struggling to recover from a works based faith devoid of a real understanding of grace it sometimes feels like doing what is right because it is right leads me back into the works based faith. where does the delicate knife edge lie? where is the narrow path i am to follow? as i read these passages in james it feels at times so clear and at times so foggy.

muddlesome faith. so ugly and so beautiful.