so, i've been a youth pastor now for two and a half years. many days - most days in fact - i feel like i hardly know what i'm doing, or like i'm spinning my wheels but not really getting much done.
i have worked hard to build a great student ministry. we have a great team of adult leaders (i started with one and now have nine). we have a fun youth night filled with games, teaching, music, and hanging out (we call it expedition). we go to events. we laugh together. we have small group on tuesday nights.
but many days it feels so useless, so empty. i am beginning to think that maybe i have spent too much energy and time building programs that i haven't focused enough on time with teens, or teaching my leaders to spend time with teens. or something....
i see my kids - most of them born and raised in church - and i wonder how many of them will still be in church in five years. how many of them really love jesus? how many of them are just faking their way through - doing what everyone expects them to do? and how can i help them find the real jesus?
here's the issue. i am beginning to hate programs and programming. i really dislike planning events and organizing transportation and gathering permission forms. i really dislike planning a big "invite your friends" new year's eve bash and then walking away from it wondering if it was any use at all. i feel like all i really want to do is hang out with them - but i actually get to do that so little. i suppose it is much my own fault, but i wonder if there is also something fundamentally flawed in my view of what a good youth ministry looks like.
more and more i don't want to care about how many teens are there - or more importantly - how many there are compared to this time last year. i don't want to plan big events that seem empty of any real impact on life. i don't want expedition to just feel like more church. i don't want being a youth pastor to be about going to events and organizing things for teens to do so they have nice christian activities to go to. all i want to do is see people commit themselves to follow jesus no matter what. i want to walk with them through the ups and downs of life and maybe get to have a small part to play in how they walk. that's it - that's all. and i am beginning to wonder if planning all these things really helps in that process at all. does it do more to help us find real life together, or does it help perpetuate the "church as 'holy club'" mindset.
i make one request. please do not comment on this post if you are just going to tell me the same things i've heard a million times in classes and books and from people all over the place: "youth ministry is about relationships." "focus on the teens, not the programs." "programs are a tool to help us build relationships." "just be real in front of them." blah blah blah. i know all these things - why do you think i'm frustrated?
i am struggling with the tension of my job as minister and my job as administrator. in other words, how to reconcile and balance my time with people and my time in the office. i think that so far i have fallen too far on the office side of things and it is making me really frustrated. also i am learning things about myself and my view of what the church is supposed to be that make me more and more frustrated with church the way it is. so the combination has resulted in this post - a sad blurtation of frustration, questions, and ...stuff.
that's all for now.
2.03.2005
a ministry riddle
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
5 comments:
just a couple of questions...
1. what would ease the frustration you're experiencing? better balance btw office/teens? less programming?
2. suppose in five years you find out that half your teens consider their faith in Jesus Christ the most important part of their life. one of the things they point to being important is learning that Christians have fun. would this ease your frustration? what if it was 75%?
i ask simply because i feel like a frustrated person, but i don't know why i am. i point to school, no money, no wife, no clear guidance, yaddi yaddi yadda, but mainly i think it's part of who i am. in other words, i could cure all the things that add to my frustration, but it'd still be there. this does not pretend to be anything like an answer...just curious if it makes sense.
I have to go with AP on this one, Brando. I'm the kind of guy who's always looking ahead to "what's next" and sometimes missing out on enjoying the here and now. I'm not even sure that that relates but I thought I'd add it. I think that you're just getting past the "honeymoon" phase of your ministry and on to the part where you have to stop and remember why you "got hitched" in the first place. You're getting past the programs and getting back to the purpose for them, and figuring out what matters and what works now that you're settled into the routine. All that to say that I don't have any answers but I believe you're asking the right questions and you're on the right track. Keep journeying. Also... I'm not sure "blurtation" is a word... but I like it.
thanks for your thoughts guys. very helpful.. good insight ap, i'll ponder that. i also don't always know why i'm frustrated. i think more than anything it is my own personal demons of not really finding much meaning in the way we do church right now. and i see other people with the same struggle, so it makes me ask "is there a better way?" are the teens in my group going to end up frustrated and dissatisfied with church like me (or worse) - or totally in love with the way it all is like others are? more importantly, is the way we do church helping people find the real living God, or distracting them from him. for me right now, i am finding God most places other than church. so am i dissatisfied? yes. is it good? yes and no. do i always know why? no.
i guess i'll just keep asking questions for now. i appreciate and value your thoughts. thank you.
just wanna say that i think you are on the right track Brandon. i think the weight of feeling/and taking responsibility for those we lead is part of true leadership. it's easy to comparmentalize and dismiss that weight by saying "it's the result of their choices, free will this that the other thing, result of their environment, bad influences, really it was so and so's job to help this person, etc. etc." we can say, "i was doing all that my job requires of me to do, therefore i'm not responsible." but does God view it like that? i think it's good to be in this place: to be broken and overwhelmed and perhaps confused about that responsibility now and again. we all know that the goal of ministry is life-change--but do we all know that it is not necessarily following the doug field's/jonn maxwell method? i think the minute we dismiss that heavy feeling of responsiblity, we are crippling our ministry effectivness. some colleges teach methods of leadership that have to do with being confident and sure of oneself all the time, but that is man-made, man-preferrable leadership. Just my opinion, but I think that God can do wonders through leadership that is willing to take on the concerns of the heart of God--even the heavy concerns. Lawrence Kohlberg did a break-through study on the development of moral reasoning. Some of the highest levels are never attained by most of us humans i think in part, because we use the law, or system of ministry, or the textbook view as a scapegoat to not feeling more responsibility for others--for not showing concern, feeling guilt, for not acting in situtions removed from us. sometimes in our christian circles we are told that "it's not your responsiblity, you can only do this much" but if we feel God prompting us to be concerned, than He may be calling us to a "higher" level of moral reasoning.....one that is different from the normal worldview of christian leaders. it may not be fun, or easy, and it may appear foolish to some, but i guess it's obedience to what God is calling each of us to feel, be, do, that matters. i hope i haven't said too much, but i really feel strongly about this, and brewer's comment made me think. didn't intend to hijack your blog.
I think both Brewer and Jo made good points. It is your responsibility, to an extent, to do what you can to make sure your students are grounded in their faith. You can't change their hearts but you can give them lots of opportunity to meet with God and let Him change them. But you're right, this isn't always through programs, and if those programs don't work, frig'em. On the other hand, if you've done all you know to do, like Brewer said, it's not you're fault or responsibility if they willingly reject Christ or drift away. Do your best and leave the rest up to God. And never forget how dependant you are on Him.
Post a Comment