i have found that the last week or so i have been gettting cold feet about the electrician thing. i'm having a hard timefinding someone to hire me and have been a little discouraged by that.starting to wonder if it is really what i want to do for the next fiveyears. i'm actually starting to think that perhaps i'm more ready to pastor again than ithought i was. i still have some issues i'm working through in my head and heart. karen and i had a good chat about it the other night before we went to sleep. she was reminding me to try to figure out what i'm really passionate about in life, and go do something to do with that. as i reflect on this, i think about how angry i become at the thought of people being turned away from discovering christ because of an interaction with a person claiming to be a christ follower. i think about how hard i have struggled to discover a faith that is genuine. i think about how much i want to help others discover a genuine, lifechanging faith in christ, about how much i am starting to believe the message jesus proclaims. i think about how frustrated i am with religion that has stripped itself of the life it is supposed to carry. i think this (finding genuine faith and helping point the way for others) is what i am most passionate about...more than anything else i can think of. these are not the musings of an electrician.
i have other thoughts too. thoughts that aren't so happy and encouraging, but give direction just the same. i remember what it was like when i was a pastor before. i remember the miserable days in the office, doing my best to fill time so i could go home. i remember how much i dreaded going into work so many days. sure there were good days too...moments of joy and revelation and seeing what God was doing. but overall my job drained me, and i don't want to go back to that. so when i ponder the pastorate, i find fear in me. fear that i'll be miserable again. these thoughts are leading me to the conclusion, however, that the way i was pastoring before - that what i thought being a pastor was and the way i carried that out - was shite. shite for me anyway. i think that if i am ever to be a pastor again i need to learn a new way of being apastor. i need to rethink, reimagine what being a pastor can look like. i don't think i was doing it well before, at least not in a way that really engaged mypassions and gifts and got me excited.
anyway, these are new thoughts (as of the past few days) and i would
as i think and pray through them. i think it would be accurate to say i'm really not sure about which way togo right now (electrician or pastor). both directions have their ups and downs....
2.03.2006
sometimes shite
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7 comments:
I am encouraged by your post, encouraged for you; because what you say about your passions makes such sense, and I can see how God has and is preparing you for a special ministry. I've felt that way for a long time. I think you have too much passion for other people in you to not be a "pastor" in some sense of the word. I don't know if that includes the electrician thing, but He will lead you and reveal what you need to know in His time. Thank you for your model of genuine, passionate faith.
We are praying for you.
i would have to say that your thoughts could be the thoughts of an electrician--and i hope more electricians think them. to be honest, i think the best part of pastoring does not get done being a pastor...it gets done being a person...even electricians. you have been a pastor to me in several ways--and it matters not where your paycheck comes from.
peace.
I'll say a word for you Brandon, no prob! I'm not a pastor, but I can totally relate to your frustrations. My brother and i (he's the youth/worship pastor) constantly talk about this topic..we're passionate to see the church come alive and be more relevant and such...but its gonna take some change...in people's ideas and perceptions as to what Christianity looks like.
I approach this post on shaky ground, given your feelings about the word "call." Let's avoid that word, since it's likely bringing you more confusion than anything else right now.
I do need to give you some advice though. Please, please, please avoid living entirely out of your passions. You're passionate about a lot of things, B, and that's a really good thing. Even so, our passions stem from our hearts, a place in us that rarely brings us to the "right" place on its own.
Even with Karen, your heart was only part of what brought you two together. Assuming I had a good first impression two summers ago, you two fit. That doesn't come through passions alone. It comes because for better or worse, each of you has made choices in response to the Lord's revelation and your respective lots in life.
The Lord is still standing before you, waiting to reveal Himself. You talk about a struggle of faith, but how much of that struggle actually involves seeking Him as opposed to seeking His plan or His anointing?
B, whether you're an electrician, a pastor, or a circus performer, you need to experience the Lord. You need to find Him to find His heart. Only then will His love for you and plan for you be really clear. We'll pray.
thanks for all your encouragement and so on...
ap, thanks for the reminder that electricians can be ministry minded. this is something that this whole time away from pastoring has been teaching me, but i forget sometimes. my problem, though, is that i'm not sure that i want to be an electrician. most days i don't know what i want. i feel very directionless.
lynn, thank you for your willingness to be real with me. i'm sorry if i offended you about the "call" discussion a few months back. i appreciate your reminder to find God's heart. i also appreciate your reminder not to solely follow my passions. i feel i need to clarify, however, that i rarely make any major decision without putting a lot of thought into it, that i believe passions are often something God-given as part of his design in (and for) our lives, and that my effort to figure out my passions is quite strenuous for me. i do not have many things i am passionate about. when i think about what to do with my life, my head is not flooded with options. it is, rather, quite empty and searching for even one idea or path to follow. so me attempting to understand my passions is really an attempt to read into part of God's plan for me from this one area of my life.
perhaps we are once again caught in an issue of semantics, for by passions i in no way mean emotions, although emotions are involved in passion. i mean the things i really care about more than anything else. the issues, topics, whatever that occupy my head space. the things that trigger the strongest emotions in me (anger, joy, sorrow, elation). the things that make me tick. i appreciate your warning because i agree to a point...i could be passionatly wrong about something and so on... but i also want to live a passionate life, and that comes from following the heart that God gives me, not by thinking things to death or sitting on my ass praying for the rest of my days. so i think your advice is sound, but i also think it winds it's way back around to what i'm trying to do. find God, follow God, God replaces my heart of stone with a heart of flesh, i learn to understand my new heart as i follow christ, i live from my new heart the new life God has for me.
whatever, i have spoken too many words. once again, thank you all for your words into my life. you do make me think and i am a better person because of it.
peace.
why not do both, in a different country. My faith has been revolutionized whilist being here. I see, Jesus, the message, adn Christianity differently. Three billion people are waiting for that genuine first encounter with Christ. You can't hide behind a patorate title, or a church, or even get lost in religious muck here, because it doesn't exist. Doesn't that sound refreshing. I found it was, and it has changed my life.
a friend tipped me off to your blog. And I'm grateful. This post shares a lot of what I needed to read and re-think.
The model of pastor needs to change, but maybe that of an electrician does too.
Read today of your forthcoming baby. Congrats and blessings.
for now anon. but I'll come back
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