i haven't had much to say lately...
i really don't know what to write most days. i'd rather just go to bed. there are some thoughts swirling around occasionally, but when they do i don't have the gumption to bother writing them down. maybe i should. make it more of a discipline...open journal so to speak.
yesterday i was feeling a little blue. i realized much of my life is spent simply reacting to my world. this is a bad thing. i go to work and do what i need to do to get through the day, looking forward to august when i will be finished with roofing. always looking forward to that break around the corner...that day when my life will move from this feeling of in-between limbo to some kind of permanence. i go home to my wife and son and do what i need to do to keep them happy. i go to rustle and some days i feel like i am just looking for something to do to fill my time.
this is not how i want to live.
i want to look forward to what i can create. i want to make something happen. i want to be proactive, creative, active in participating with God in making my life what it needs to be, in doing what i need to do. i want to be actively working to make our home a wonderful place where karen and gabe can thrive. i want to be a positive force for good in my workplace, grateful for a job, grateful for each day i get to live. i want to come to rustle ready to give my all in loving and serving, passionately doing what God has created me to do best, knowing that i am doing what i need to be doing. i don't want to sit around and let life happen, i want to make life happen.
but i don't. why? when will i start? what am i waiting for?
this sucks. God help me. someone help me.
we had some questions we had to answer in group a couple months ago that relate to what i am thinking about today as i prepare for sunday. it's about choosing our travelling companions wisely, about the influence that environment has on us, about developing intentional relationships that help us move toward wholeness.
i had a really hard time with those questions. i don't easily open my soul to people to let them help me grow. i keep my tender parts buried deep inside me, preferring to expose easily dealt with cracks instead. i don't share my real thoughts and fears and struggles with very many people. in short, i need to find some travelling companions.
it's not that i don't have any. it's that i don't let them get inside me.
where do i go when i feel depressed, afraid, sad, insecure, unfinished? i go inside myself. lot's of good help there you can be sure (insert sarcastic grimace here).
wonder bread.
someone give me a kick in the ass.
5.25.2007
inside my head
5.07.2007
it's alive!
some of you may have wondered where i've been. others may not have noticed.
if you're interested there are new pictures on my flikr page.
go here to see them.
that is all.
goodnight.
4.04.2007
easter. hmmmm....
A Brief for the Defense
Sorrow everywhere. Slaughter everywhere. If babies
are not starving someplace, they are starving
somewhere else. With flies in their nostrils.
But we enjoy our lives because that's what God wants.
Otherwise the mornings before summer dawn would
not be made so fine. The Bengal tiger would not
be fashioned so miraculously well. The poor women
at the fountain are laughing together between
the suffering they have known and the awfulness
in their future, smiling and laughing while somebody
in the village is very sick. There is laughter
every day in the terrible streets of Calcutta,
and the women laugh in the cages of Bombay.
If we deny our happiness, resist our satisfaction,
we lessen the importance of their deprivation.
We must risk delight. We can do without pleasure,
but not delight. Not enjoyment. We must have
the stubbornness to accept our gladness in the ruthless
furnace of this world. To make injustice the only
measure of our attention is to praise the Devil.
If the locomotive of the Lord runs us down,
we should give thanks that the end had magnitude.
We must admit there will be music despite everything.
We stand at the prow again of a small ship
anchored late at night in the tiny port
looking over to the sleeping island: the waterfront
is three shuttered cafés and one naked light burning.
To hear the faint sound of oars in the silence as a
rowboat comes slowly out and then goes back is truly
worth all the years of sorrow that are to come.
— Jack Gilbert
3.19.2007
empty
space.
sometimes i want it. sometimes i long for the quiet. the peace.
now they're gone, and i'm alone.
"it's lonely coming home to an empty house," i said.
"tell me about it," he replied with a forlorn grin.
too easily i take for granted the ones i love most in the press of every day.
in the empty i remember.
remember the love.
he ran away to a lonely desert, depressed and alone.
God stopped by. burning coals.
he ran to a lonesome mountain.
God stopped by. still small voice.
he wandered in the hunger and thirst.
devil stopped by. temptation.
things seem to happen in the empty spaces.
will i listen?
3.06.2007
beware of moat
here i am in the middle of my skin
no way out
no way in
rain can blow while roadsigns quiver
their silent fingers pointing
directions to empty minds
hearty words find home in my soul
digging a ditch
beware of moat
...surround and protect
no way out.
no way in.
when last did music satisfy this hunger?
platters of spicy goodness dancing in my ears
tomorrow
yesterday
life. it's everywhere
to be found
to be tasted
to be heard
rose petals in a tasty cake
soft
no way out?
no way in?
good.
3.02.2007
a quote to ponder
in a continuation of the thoughts in my last post, i submit this quote given to me by a friend. i think it is amazing and captures the essence at the heart of the violence of jesus.
What is the task of the church today?
Shall I answer: "Faith, hope and love"?
That sounds beautiful.
But I would say Courage.
No, even that is not challenging enough to be the whole truth.
Our task today is recklessness.
For what we Christians lack is not psychology or literature,
We lack a holy rage.
The recklessness that comes from the knowledge of God and humanity.
The ability to rage when justice lies prostrate on the streets . .
and when the lie rages across the face of the earth -
a holy anger about things that are wrong in the world.
To rage against the ravaging of God's earth,
and the destruction of God's world.
To rage when little children must die of hunger,
when the tables of the rich are sagging with food.
To rage at senseless killing of so many,
and against the madness of the militaries.
To rage at the lie that calls the threat of death
and the strategy of destruction peace.
To rage against complacency.
To restlessly seek that recklessness that will challenge and seek to change
human history until it conforms with the norms of the kingdom of God.
And remember the signs of the Christian church have always been -
the Lion, the Lamb, the Dove and the Fish -
but never the chameleon.
Kaj Munk
2.07.2007
the violence of jesus
i was talking with karen the other day about the account of jesus clearing out the temple:
John 2:14-16 (New American Standard Bible)
14And He found in the temple those who were selling oxen and sheep and doves, and the money changers seated at their tables. 15And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables; 16and to those who were selling the doves He said, "Take these things away; stop making My Father's house a place of business."
i was pointing out the fact that jesus made a whip, a very purposeful and time-consuming act, before going nuts on everybody. we see in this story the anger of jesus displayed in a passionate and even violent act. here's what i want to know. what did he do with that whip? brandish it menacingly? sting the backsides of sheep and cattle? did he use it on any people?
monday i was home from work sick, so i spent much of the day on the couch reading a couple copies of geez magazine a friend had loaned me. i think i overdosed. anyway, geez is very peace-loving. my thoughts were saturated with ideas of following jesus being a way of peace as opposed to war.
here's the question: what is an appropriate expression of anger, and even violence, in this world that we can learn from jesus' example? what will i teach my son about dealing with bullies at school? about war? about justice? we seem to fear anger at times, filing it away in the sinful category. but it is a human emotion just as ligitimate as joy or sorrow or love - within the appropriate context, just as is the case with all other emotions. so when is anger appropriate, and in such cases, what is an appropriate expression of anger? is violence ever called for, ever an appropriate response? i have some theories, but i'm interested to hear what you think.
2.03.2007
snow day
it snowed today. all day. from about 11am to 5 or 6pm. i went out and shoveled the foot of snow out of the driveway, then it started to snow again. i had been sitting inside all day nursing a budding flu or cold. thank God for drugs. the fresh air was nice.
as i watched the snow falling i was thinking about how beautiful it was, and how wierd our winter this year has been, and how thankful i am for how God has taken care of us. and how much i am loathing going back to roofing next week now that we have all this snow. some wet hands will be had for sure. strap the harness on.
i start two days a week at rustle this month. the more i spend time there, the more excited i am about serving there. i am thankful for this. it seems God has brought me so far. it seems so long ago that i sidled up to a local leader searching for a cure to a complacent spirituality. thank you sir, for shaking me back to Christ. for this i am thankful. for new life, new passion, new opportunities, new friends. i am filled with gratitude.
ever and always does God soak me with blessings. undeserved. lavished. still learning how to cope with all that kindness. i am awkward with grace.
my sister is having a baby soon. within moments i will be an uncle. freight trains could not keep me away, but the mighty dollar might. alaska is so far away. it is hard at times. karen's family lives near niagara falls. four hours seems so far when gabriel is screaming and she needs a nap while i'm dancing on rooftops. but four hours would be heavenly for my family. they're not even a four hour flight away....try thirteen with layovers and transfers. expensive. it's cheaper to go visit vincent in france. paris must be visited one day. eiffel tower here i come. feed me stinky cheese and crepe's.
i was never much of a homebody growing up. i am sure this caused my parent's consternation at times. "call home from camp to let us know how you're doing, dear." yeah, right. i never did. no phones in the canoe. even after they moved back to alaska when i was in kingston, did i miss them? sure, at times... but overall...i've been pretty happy out on my own. now that gabriel has come along i have found it harder than ever before. it would be nice at times to go visit for the weekend. if you're reading this, don't feel bad. we are all where we're supposed to be. now my sister is having a little one, and i feel the pull to go see her. love runs thick in our house.
funny thing, baby's. i never really liked them much. that is, until i had my own. now my sister is having one, my good friends are having one, and i find myself so excited to see the children, to hold them. wierd. parenthood changes things i guess. i like it.
baby's, friends, family, rustle, snow day.
lavished.
1.23.2007
confessions on a dance floor
i had a dream last night about a guy who i really hurt by some actions i took about a year ago. i mean hurt emotionally. i tried to work it out with him right away...ask forgiveness and so forth, but he didn't want to talk to me then. i saw him recently at an event we both attended, and i was really struck by how he seemed to avoid even saying hello when he would normally (before "the incident") make a point of saying hi. i must admit i didn't go talk to him either.
this has been bothering me every time i think about it. i've managed to forget for a while, but something will happen that reminds me of the unresolved issue there. like this dream. i don't remember what happened in the dream, i just remember it was about him. i know i gotta do something to work it out, but i'm afraid to talk to him. it eats me up inside that i hurt him so much by what i did, and there's nothing i can do to make it go away. i'm left completely powerless, at the mercy of his forgiveness.
i know i need to contact him again, try to apologize again. then at least i've tried. either a friendship gets restored or i rest assured that i've done all i can.
ugghh... i hate thinking about it. makes me feel sick.
night.
1.13.2007
some thoughts
first go check out this website called clearification. watch the videos. very funny, hilarious even. recommend provided via nathancolquhoun.com.
recently listening to bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning
too often i find myself navel gazing, so caught up with my own issues that i neglect those around me. i pity the fool.
then come those moments where i am drawn out of myself and reminded that there are others in my world. others who need me. others who care about my well being. i am reminded to look outside myself. often it is in these moments i find the most [insert word for good things here], when i forget myself and freely give myself to others. go figure.
talking with karen today about life, i remarked how difficult it is to admit my issues to others, to really let them see the real me in all my gritty glory. and so it goes. too long have i run independent. keeping myself at arms length from others so appearances are kept up.
sometimes i struggle with life. complicated. independent.
i left home for college when i was seventeen. never looked back. independent.
but i am learning. slowly. rustlers aren't independent. working with al and living with the rustlers is teaching me community. sharing. vulnerability. honesty. i'm a reluctant convert, slow to quench my thirst for acceptance in the safety of loving community.
karen threw a party for my birthday almost a month ago. people came, conversation flowed while food ran wild. then karen pulled out a basket full of cards, into which friends had placed love with dollar bills attached. surprise cd fund. i was speechless, overwhelmed with that awkward feeling of being given far more than i deserved. thanks dribbled down my chin as i went into myself, unsure of what to do. independent. how do i learn to let friends love me like that? they're getting under my skin. i'm falling in love with this rustler crew. "she's good people," the lead hand would say with a goofy grin and a broom in one hand. "have you heard this song?"
to my friends, and i am blessed with many, thank you. thank you for teaching me love, generosity, and community by allowing me to experience it firsthand from your lives.
there is nowhere else i'd rather be.
12.11.2006
updater update
for your viewing pleasure, a list:
p. confession. i've grown bored with blogdom. or perhaps bored is the wrong word. i think more accurately i have found that working all day to come home tired leaves me with little in the way of creative stimulus. and if i'm not feeling creative, i'm not likely to write much since i don't want to bore you with lame crap. or bore myself with lame crap. or just produce lame crap in general.
s. gabriel is growing, smiling, making baby noises, and other miscellaneous cuteness. i would apologize for the lack of pictures, but see #1.
k. check this out for some crazy but true happenings in kazakhstan involving huge amounts of oil money, a tent that absorbs heat from the sun, and a city. seriously, it'll blow your mind. or at least make you smile incredulously.
m. big news. i have begun the process of recording an ep with matt baetz at longshot studios in kingston. very excited. save your pennies boys and girls, because some sweet tunes are coming soon to eardrums near you.
b. things at rustle (the church plant) are progressing well. we are growing together as a community and are hoping to extend an invitation to our neighborhood in january. it's a beautiful day in the neighborhood...would you be mine...
g. if you want to know more, write, call, or better yet...come visit.
e. this list has been brought to you by the letter T. mmm...tea.
x. the end. bye. and thanks for stopping by. if anyone still does. which i would be shocked by since i haven't even stopped by for quite some time.
11.14.2006
images
if you would like to see some images of folks enjoying our first ever service and open house at rustle, visit my flickr site to peruse them in all their stunning brilliance.
10.29.2006
check it out
a family friend, mike smith, has finally been called up to play with the dallas stars. he started his second game last night against los angeles. two wins so far. go smitty.
p.s. check out flikr for baby pictures
9.24.2006
our little poopsickle
well, what to say. i'm tired. and happy. and tired. but i can't complain - karen is healing from giving birth plus tired plus breastfeeding. i think women got the short end of the stick on this one.
karen loves being a mom. i don't think i've ever seen her so happy. i love it.
what a stud. except this picture makes his head look funny. i love the eyes. it looks like he's communicating some sort of thought, but in reality he's just pooping. his many poop faces are hilarious.
ahhh, genetics. what a fine specimen.
9.07.2006
grandpa's hands
gabriel brandon shillington flew into this world on a wing and a prayer. karen began active labour around 12:00-12:30 pm, we figure. she had just met with the midwife at eleven to find out she was dialated 2 cm, an increase of 1 cm from the week before. by 1:30 we called our doula to come to the house, and by 2:30 the midwives arrived. by this time karen's labour was quite intense. they did another exam at 3:00 and found out she was fully dialated! we were all shocked, and since everything was progressing so fast karen was already ready to start pushing. the midwife gave us the option of proceeding to the hospital like we had originally planned, except we would have to take an ambulance to get her there in time, or we could have the baby at home. we decided to take a chance and go to the hospital. we arrived there around 3:30 or so and at 4:48 gabriel was born. he came out in the caul, another name for the amniotic sac. karen's water never broke, and when gabe came out his head was completely encased in the sac. one midwife exclaimed that she could see him still breathing the amniotic fluid! they broke the sac and brought him out the rest of the way. the midwives were quite ecstatic about having a birth "in the caul" because it is so rare. supposedly, according to legend and what-not, a child born in the caul will never drown and is thought to have supernatural powers, to be a lucky baby, with one foot in the spiritual world and one in the physical. we stayed at the hospital for the required minimum four hours, then came home to our more comfy bed. karen is healing well and we are having a blast learning how to be parents! he is a most beautiful baby.
9.06.2006
9.03.2006
dream-ology
i had a dream the other night. it went something like this:
it was night, but not pitch black. i could still see from the lights of the city around me. i was at work and found myself climbing on the top of the highest tower of a huge stone church. it was an old wooden roof, and as i reached the peak i broke through some rotted wood and began falling. it felt like a long fall through the tower and out into the huge cathedral-like sanctuary, but i didn’t feel afraid. i was thinking about the likelihood of living through the fall, wondering what i would land on, thinking i would probably die and this sucked.
next thing i knew i was at the bottom of the sanctuary looking around, wondering what i landed on. then i noticed my body. i had landed on the wooden pews, with the back of my head smashed open on the edge of one. i thought to myself that i definitely did not have a soft landing and immediately realized that i was dead. i remember being aware that i was dead, but felt no pain, and was acutely conscious of my still being me – just my body was gone. i remember also being aware that i was supposed to continue on to the afterlife, but it was my choice to do so. i had a passing thought that perhaps ghosts (understood as the spirits of dead people with unresolved issues) could exist as people who had died but had refused to move on to their afterlife. i had no desire to do this, however. i knew i needed to move on and knew that i would.
soon after i fell, my coworkers came in to see if i was ok. they saw my body there dead, and me standing nearby. i calmly explained to them that i had fallen through the roof and landed on the pew and was now dead, and i was obviously disappointed this had happened. i didn’t want to be dead, but there was now nothing i could do about it.
knowing that i needed to move on to my afterlife, i first wanted to go say goodbye to my wife. so i went home to tell her that i had a tragic accident at work and was now dead. she was distraught, as could be expected, but also handled the news fairly calmly. i remember holding her, saying goodbye, knowing this was goodbye for a long time. i remember thinking or perhaps saying for her to feel free to find another person to share her life with – wanting her to be happy, to move on with her life.
also, while all this was happening to me, she had given birth to our baby. so when i arrived to tell her i was dead, she had news to tell me. i remember feeling so disappointed and hurt that i had missed the birth of our child, and even more sad that i would miss out on watching him grow up. then she told me that she named him jebediah. i remember feeling confused and angry and hurt that she gave him that name instead of one of the names that we had discussed. i didn’t like the name jebediah, and i remember thinking that the least she could do after my tragic death would be to give the child the name i had wanted for him, or even to name him after me. she seemed at this point in my dream like she was moving on past my death and was ready to say goodbye. she wasn’t fazed at all that i didn’t like Jebediah, but seemed like she expected me to just deal with it since i wasn’t there and it was all now up to her to raise him. i remember feeling hurt by this, and very sad at having to say goodbye to my wife and child when our lives together were just beginning, sad that i would miss so much.
then i woke up.
here's some stuff i found on this website about dream interpretations. there's some interesting bits...
Death
To dream of your own death, indicates a transitional phase in your life. You are becoming more enlightened or spiritual. Alternatively, you are trying desperately to escape the demands of your daily life.
Die
To dream that you die in your dream, symbolizes inner changes, transformation, self-discovery and positive development that is happening within you or in your life. Although such a dreams may bring about feelings of fear and anxiety, it is no cause for alarm and is often considered a positive symbol. Dreams of experiencing your own death usually means that big changes are ahead for you. You are moving on to new beginnings and leaving the past behind. These changes does not necessarily imply a negative turn of events. Metaphorically, dying can be seen as an end or a termination to your old ways and habits. So, dying does not always mean a physical death, but an ending of something.
Fall
To dream that you fall and are not frightened, signifies that you will overcome your adversities with ease.
To dream that you fall and are frightened, indicates a lack of control, insecurity, and/or lack of support in your waking life. You may be experiencing some major struggle and/or overwhelming problem. It may denote that you have failed to achieve a goal that you have set forth for yourself.
To dream that you are free-falling through water, indicates that you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions. You may feel that it is easier to give up then to try to stay afloat or prevent yourself from going under.
Family
To see your own family in your dream, represents security, warmth and love. Consider also the significance of a particular family member or the relationship you have with them.
Wife
To see your wife in your dream, signifies discord and unresolved issues.
Son
To see your son in your dream, signifies your ideal, hopes, potential, and the youthful part of yourself. On the other hand, to see your son in your dream might not have any significance and is simply mirroring your waking life. The dream may also be a pun on "sun".
8.20.2006
heart rustlings and many swears
i work on a roofing crew. by reputation, roofing crews are made up of rough men, and mine is no exception. these guys tell stories of doing things many would be shocked to hear, all as if it's no more than another normal day. three of them are facing charges that could send them to prison. i love them all.
here's the thing: i want to be a positive influence on the world around me. i am trying to learn how the love of God penetrates even the darkest places...and i am still left puzzling over this many days. i find too often i get caught up in their way of doing things more than i would like to admit. swearing is one thing. "admiring the beauty" of girls walking by is another. (rooftops afford an excellent view.)
my heart is disturbed. i feel quiet murmers within my chest, whispers that all is not well.
i am left leaning on grace.
i decided i don't like to swear. and checking out girls feels disrespectful to me. even as i write this i am hoping my wife doesn't read it. and yet...
maybe she will. i need her grace too. i am full of weakness. it is often in her words and in her arms that i find the grace of God. it is often in her presence that i am reminded where my priorities really lie, where the space i want my life to be is found.
many swears and rooftop views are not that space.
how can Jesus shine through me? how can my hands and voice become the channel he can use in the places i walk? this is the direction i long to go. this is the space i want to live in.
today i feel far away, in need of grace. tomorrow maybe i will see some jesus at work, or maybe not. either way i have to try. i have to believe that jesus will use me somehow, and that his light in my life can make a difference in dark places. i have to hope.
until next time, enjoy my brokeback picture.
8.14.2006
squirmon
for those of you who are interested, you can listen to the talk i gave at next on july 9 here. if that doesn't work, go here and click on the link to it in the sidebar.
this sunday is the 30th anniversary of the church my grandfather helped start in kingston. this is a picture from the groundbreaking. i think he's the tall guy in the middle toward the left. the woman in the front with the blue dress is my grandmother.
