a story :: or, i spill my guts

disclaimer :: this is a very long posting, continue at your own peril

i've been on a journey for the past 6 months or so. i've given you small glimpses into my heart and mind at times, but the bulk of it i have kept hidden.

here's some of what i've been dealing with:
last year, i was finding myself frustrated, disenchanted, and confused about my experiences with church as i knew it. i have talked about this a little bit, but by no means extensively. i began meeting with a mentor who helped guide me on a journey of self-discovery that began with a stripping away of what i thought church, or more specifically, my relationship with God consisted of. it was a shock-treatment of sorts, and it worked. marvelously so. an example: "devotions" for me had for so long (most of my life) been something i struggled with doing regularly, and i was constantly plagued with feelings of guilt and/or remorse for not being a "good Christian" by spending regular time with God (translate: reading my bible and praying). so i quit. or, rather, i only read my bible when i wanted to. the rest of the time i didn't. it was exhilarating! i was drunk with freedom. i was also terrified. what would this mean for my soul? was i endangering my eternal destiny? what would this do to my relationship with God?

i experienced a moment in my car driving to work one morning that helped me tremendously in this process. in fact, i still refer to it often in my mind and heart to give me confidence as i continue this treacherous pathway. i was driving to work, talking with God about this dreadfully exhilarating experiment i was about to try, and i sensed his pleasure with me trying it. i sensed that what he wanted from me was genuine interest, not dutiful obedience. he was just as eager for me to do this as i was, and he gave me the permission i needed to walk away from him. for me, the only way to find God was to leave the one i knew. my "relationship" with God was wrapped up so much in the religious activities i had been taught were "vital" to a good Christian existence that i had not yet encountered in a life changing way the real God of the universe.

so i entered the most difficult spiritual trial i have ever experienced. i walked right into it, eager yet tentative, excited yet terrified. i knew there was no other path for me. i became numb to all things God related. i did not feel God's presence. i did not feel any of the sensations and emotions i had come to enjoy and rely on as part of my Christian experience. this lasted for several months, and at first i reveled in it. i was like gollum when he first had the ring in his hands. oh the freedom from all the guilt and self-condemnation i had been privy to for far too long! eventually, however, came the point where the blackness became more real. not only could i no longer feel guilty for not getting up at 6:30 to read my bible, i could also no longer feel the joy of worship or the restful peace of being in God's presence. i began to wonder if this Christianity thing was really worth it. i began to wonder if i even wanted to follow Christ. for the first time in my life i wished i could get away from all things God-related. i also was struggling terribly to serve my church as a youth pastor in the face of all this doubt and darkness in my soul.

i reached a point where i realized i did not want to stay where i was, but i did not know where to go. i still didn't want to read my bible and spend time with God if it were something i dreaded or felt i had to do out of obligation, and for me the thought of doing that still had those feelings tied to it like a chain. part of me thought that i needed to find some way of reading the scriptures, of re-establishing contact with God - and i even thought that God was asking me to do this. i didn't do it. i was still too afraid that it would become the way it was before - drudgery, obligation with no joy. i entered a period that i think was disobedience. God wanted me back and i turned my back to him.

in all of this my guiding light, my foothold, was the idea and hope that God would never give up on me - that i could ask honest questions and search for truth with the confidence that if i wandered in the wrong direction God would come looking for me and bring me home again. this was my rock, my hope, my only hope in the blackest night. i did not know where to turn, and when i thought i did know i knew i could not honestly go there. i could not honestly spend time reading my bible, doing those traditional religious activities that are supposed to help me connect with God, because in my heart i did not want to. in all of this my one conviction was to be real, to become real with God.

God, i believe, brought my attention to several books. the first was "surprised by joy" by c.s. lewis. this book helped me realize one main idea: i could not get away from God. i had no real option other than to serve God. no matter how much i wished to run away from my Christian faith, i knew i could not. a secondary idea spurred off of that one: i could do no other thing with my life than serve the church. anything else i tried to do would turn me into a shrivelled shell of a miserable man. a thought from lewis stuck out at me through this time - lewis in his childhood had experienced an anger at God for creating him without lewis' permission. similarly, i realized eventually that i was angry at God for not giving me any real options. i could serve God with my life or self-destruct. what kind of choice is that? i could serve the church or be miserable all my days. where is the second option there? i felt robbed of any choice for my life. more accurately, i felt robbed of control.

therein lay the key: i had taken control of my life back into my own hands and was acting like a two year old kicking and screaming because i couldn't have my own way. not that there was even anything else i would choose - i was just resentful that i didn't have a choice.

God brought another book along, recommended to my by a friend: "blue like jazz" by donald miller. this book was for me a breath of fresh air, like cool water to a parched throat. it told me that i was not alone on this journey, but that many others were travelling with me, ahead of me, behind me. God knew what he was doing in me and he's got experience working with people.

i continued to plod along, struggling to even want to head in to work in the mornings. that's what it was for me, this pastoring thing - work. i had the constant sensation of falsehood, of hypocrisy - the ever underlying fear that i would be found out to be the fraud i felt myself to be. pastors are supposed to have it all together, are they not, to be ahead of the game. at least that's what i thought. i was not, and in a journey of learning to be real with God, feeling like i was fake with everyone else was eating me up inside. finally i talked to my pastor about it. i had been telling him bits of my journey here and there, but finally i let it all out. how i felt like i was ripping the church off by not being able to give my full energy to being a youth pastor. he was very gracious and understanding, as all good pastors are, and i left that meeting feeling so much better simply for getting it off my chest.

i still found church activity very empty for me. sunday mornings were a dutiful chore to get through as part of my job. if it were my choice i probably wouldn't have attended much for the past few months. then one friday i was lying in bed - my day off. i was going to sleep in that morning, but my wife called from work on her break to let me know that she was feeling frustrated that i wasn't pulling my weight around the house. she had to get it off her chest, she said. i lay back on my pillow after hanging up the phone, at the end of my line. i felt like i was not only cheating the church out of their youth pastor, but also cheating my wife out of her husband. i had no motivation to go to work, no motivation to clean the house, no motivation to work on my relationship with my wife, no motivation to even get out of bed. so, as in many such introspective moments, i began to talk to God about it. i told him how frustrated i was with this process that had been dragging on for so long, trapping me in it's talons and numbing me to the things i love most in life. i told him how angry i was at him, and as i lay there crying and praying i began to realize that more than anything i was just afraid. more than being angry at God for taking away my control, i was terrified that giving control back to God would mean going back to the old days of guilt and obligation. of all things, that i wanted least. the words seem strong, but i would almost rather die than go back to the way things were. i was afraid. no, i was petrified.

in all of this journey, i have never been able to doubt God. i have never been able to think God dishonourable or a grouchy ogre out to get me. thankfully, i have seen God do too many things in my family and in my own life to doubt his trustworthyness. the issue was more one of me being able to trust, to let go. but i was at an end. i could not, would not live this way any longer. i knew turning to God was my only option, and i knew deep down that really God was trustworthy. so i gave up. i quit. in my mind i imagined myself reaching out with my two hands, in the centre of my palms lay my trembling bleeding heart, and i gave it to God. i let go.

the rest of the day i felt that i was at peace with God again. i still had and have many unanswered questions. i still was and am terrified at the thought of going back to the way i used to be, but i know that God was the one who started me on this terrible wonderful journey and i know he will be the one who brings me back out again. in many ways i feel like this has been my "mines of moria" (sp?) experience. i dodged the balrog by God's grace and hopefully the exit is somewhere around the corner. but really i don't know. maybe this tunnel will go on forever. maybe i will ever be forced to follow in darkness. maybe i will forever be numb to the emotions i used to know as the wonderful part of church. so far God hasn't really offered any explanations or answers. it has been more like the experience of job - am i going to trust or not?

the third book i "stumbled" across this past week. yesterday, actually. i was looking for a book to give to a teen who was asking some pretty tough questions, so i was thumbing my way through "disappointment with God" by philip yancey. it caught my interest and i ended up spending most of my day at the office reading this book from cover to cover. in its pages i found God beginning to show me who he really is and what he is really like. i am beginning to discover a God worth serving. not a God who makes me feel guilty or wants my obligatory service, but a God who entices me with his strength and weakness, holiness and grace, personality, emotion, passion, and mystery.

i am still numb to many things. i still have oodles of questions. i still find some things confusing. i am still afraid to try many of the classic spiritual disciplines for fear they will take me back to the person i used to be. i am still struggling along. but i feel a heck of a lot better than i did two months ago. and i am heaps excited to become the person God is molding me into. i believe that this process, this journey, is all part of his plan for me and that in the end he is going to use the things i am learning to help me serve him and his church better than i ever could before.

i have hope again, and that is a lot.