karen and i watched star wars: episode three the other week, and it had an intensely spiritual impact on me. let me explain.
first off i'll say that i'm not a big star wars fan. i didn't even know what they were until highschool and didn't watch all three of the originals till college. i thought one and two were pretty cheesy so i wasn't sure what to expect from episode three other than a tying together of the story.
as i had watched one and two, anakin's obvious decline had been bothering me. he started off as such a beautiful boy, so to imagine him becoming the dreadful darth vadar was no fun. when i watched the original three, darth vadar was this hateful character. i just wanted him to die so that right would triumph. episode three tied together the journey from beautiful boy to the dark side, and i found it incredibly disturbing and spiritual.
i have been learning much of late about God's love and have been re-understanding my view of our sinful nature being characterized primarily by a brokenness, a terrible wound that affects us all, resulting in a tendency toward wrong choices. i have been learning to see us through God's eyes, as people that he loves no matter where we are or what we do, and his redemptive action is an action to free a captive people as well as to forgive rebellious children. our rebelliousness is the natural result of our woundedness.
so as i watched anakin's decline i found myself seeing him through the eyes of a loving father rather than of a hateful enemy. i began to understand the evil that he became as the natural result of wrong choices and deceit from the evil one. he didn't become evil overnight. he was drawn toward it by good desires led astray into wrong choices. it was a gradual process until he reached the point of no return. i cannot hate darth vadar any longer, but rather feel remorse and pity for what he became.
as i watched anakin's decline and began to realize that i no longer hated darth vadar, i began to understand in a greater degree how God sees us in our sinfulness - how God sees me in my sinfulness. he does not hate us even when we become so fallen into sin. i began to understand in a much deeper way the love of God for sinful, fallen humanity. i began to understand better how God could love the most sin-twisted soul just as much as he loves the greatest saint. because he sees the whole picture, just as i now see the whole picture for anakin. God knows that we were all supposed to be beautiful. we are all supposed to be good. and he doesn't hate us for our sinfulness, but rather loves us and gives his very life to free us from our bondage.
this is very good news.
5.31.2005
episode three
5.20.2005
5.19.2005
shades of grey
i find anne lamott's writing challenges my faith in uncomfortable and troublesome ways. i read about her walk through life being so messy yet full of trust in God, holding significantly different theological positions from myself yet possessing an honesty and heart for service that put my selfish heart to shame. she writes of life in a way that is both troubling and beautiful. as i read i find myself simultaneously laughing and crying, in the same moment disagreeing with her and wishing with all my heart for a mere morsel of the honest faith that she seems to posess. i find the things about life with God that i have for so long thought to be so important, so black and white, beginning to fade into shades of grey. this bothers me. this confuses me. this makes me question and wonder and cry out to God with silent tearful sobs of longing. where is the life that Jesus promised us, promised me? the life that this woman, with all her weaknesses and mistakes, seems to grasp and hold onto with such abundance and wonderful reckless abandon. how can i find this? this freedom to love myself, to forgive my failings and constant inability to measure up to any kind of standard that i ever thought was important.
the terrible truth that is slowly sinking into my heart is that i am hopelessly lost, utterly unable to pull myself out of my self-centered existence for one minute to genuinely love a fellow being. i am completely incabable of this, to think of another above myself long enough to actually begin to live that way. to forget about myself long enough to see myself as Jesus sees me, and to begin to like myself as i am - or even love myself. this is a beginning at least...to know that i am lost. for it is here, in my lost-ness, that i begin to cry out the most genuine prayers that i can pray. prayers that don't have any words because i don't know the words, don't really even know what to ask for or say. i only know that i need help. maybe that is the best prayer of all, "help!"
anne lamott
i just finished reading anne lamott's new book plan b: further thoughts on faith. it was another one of those books that i started reading and didn't stop until i had finished it. seems i've been finding a lot of those lately... except this one was 320 pages.
here are a couple quotes i liked:One secret of life is that the reason life works at all is that not everyone in your tribe is nuts on the same day. Another secret is that laughter is carbonated holiness.
this was my favorite one:Rule 1: When all else fails, follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole.
5.14.2005
what if...
i've really been thinking a lot lately about what my faith really is and how that will affect how i live my life. essentially i've been rediscovering what my faith is all about. it seems somewhat strange - for a kid who grew up in church and graduated from bible college with a four year degree in religion to just now be catching on to what it's all about. but really i don't know any other way to explain it. it's like what i've known for so long in my head is finally starting to make sense in my heart. and it's been an agonizing process.
what has really been resonating with me of late has been the idea, or truth, that God loves me unconditionally. i have known this for years, but i have been realizing that my idea of God has been of a god who wants me to behave right and keeps track of all my failings to make sure i have asked forgiveness for them and all that. i am leaving that god behind. the God i am discovering, and the God i believe revealed himself in the bible and in Jesus Christ, is a God who loves me without end, as i am - not as i should be, and who accentuates the good in me, not the bad.
here's a thought i was chewing on last night. what if Jesus Christ took all of God's punishment for sin upon himself so that God no longer punishes sin? what if what we often interpret as punishment for sin is really the natural consequence of choosing to walk away from God? more importantly, what if when God looks at my failings he no longer sees them as something worthy of punishment, but as something that prevents me from running toward him? in other words, what if God sees every person from a relational perspective rather than a legal one because the legal stuff has all been taken care of through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ? what if God now sees every person as a prodigal son guilty and imprisoned - the father has paid the bail to free every person and pardoned their guilt - now he is doing all he can to get us to leave our cells and come home? if sin creates a chasm between us and God, and if God cannot be in relationship with sinful people because his very nature demands holiness, and if Jesus Christ filled that chasm in so that we can now approach God and enter into relationship with him, then what happens when i sin as a christ-follower? if sin creates a chasm, wouldn't my relationship be instantly broken as it was for adam and eve? ahhh, here's the beauty of it all. if all of God's judgment for sin was taken by Christ and God no longer sees my sin as something to judge, then my relationship with God is secure in knowing that his love covers a multitude of my sins and he lovingly chooses to stick with me through all my screw-ups and help me to keep running toward him. in other words, what if God cannot judge my sin any more because doing so would mean that he cannot be in relationship with me? and any consequences we experience at the end of life are due to our own choice to run toward God or away from him, not from an act of judgment by God himself. this transforms as well our idea of hell. hell not as a place where God banishes people as an act of judgment, but a place where God allows people to experience the consequences of their choice to be absent from him. we condemn ourselves to hell when we reject relationship with God.
for me this is a transformational way of thinking about God. if God no longer judges my sin (all judgment has been taken by Christ) then i no longer have to feel shame for my failings. i mean this not to say that we should feel no remorse or guilt and sin as much as we want, but that those persistent nagging feelings of shame and self-loathing that for me are often associated with failings are merely useless projections. projections because i often imagine God seeing me as i see myself and as a result think that i need to try really hard to be a better person so that i will make him happy. with this other way of seeing things, i am realizing that God likes me just as much in my sinful state as he does in my righteous state, and knowing that gives my soul rest. i don't have to try as hard - in this i live to please as a response to love, not as a requirement to be loved. and this is way easier to do when i know he already likes me and is pleased with me.
5.07.2005
the love of God is greater far...
i had a great trip to nb with my dad. i was able to see some friends i hadn't seen in a while and be there with my sister for her graduation. it was a really good trip for me.
my dad brought me a copy of some messages by brennan manning that i have been listening to. they are excellent. it is a series of five sermons given at a camp in washington state and the overall topic is healing our image of God and ourselves. he says that the primary message of Jesus is that God is abba - daddy - and that is how we are to address him. how are we to pray? our father, our abba, our daddy, who is in heaven... manning says that God loves us as we are, not as we should be, and that this absolutely unbreakable and unearned love can heal our identity and transform our life.
anyway, his thoughts are really hitting me where i need it and are tying in well with what i have been learning from other reading i've been doing - especially from searching for God knows what by donald miller. i really think i am understanding the true message of the gospel better than i ever have in my life. it is becoming something i understand rather than just know. God is up to something in my life.
on an unrelated note: the past two weeks have been car hell or something like that. my car is a 1995 toyota corolla that is in good shape with low kilometers and up to this point has given me little trouble. however, before i went to nb i had to replace a seized caliper on the front left wheel - $400 (cha-ching). while in nb it overheated and i had to get some quick repairs in sussex before we drove home - $40 (cha-ching). when i got home, it overheated on me while i was driving to church. i never made it to church because i had to get my car towed into canadian tire to find out what was wrong - $50 (cha-ching). i found out that i had to replace the head gasket. i have yet to get it back from the shop, but it will probably be $1000+ (cha-ching). and to top it off, today on karen's car (2002 mazda protege 5 sport) we had to replace a seized caliper (dejavu?), except this time on the rear right wheel. God be praised the warranty covered most of it. when it rains it pours, as my grandmother says.
4.21.2005
i'm on my way
i'm making the trip.
yes, i am driving to Noveau Brunswick. i've done it once since graduation three years ago and hated it. it took so much longer than i remembered! plus i got a speeding ticket from some grumpy french cop, or was i the grumpy one? anyway, i'm coming back next week for my sister's graduation. my dad is flying into toronto and we are driving up together. i figure one more visit to ye olde alma mater can't hurt too much.
i would love to see as many of you my friends as possible in that short time. we will arrive thursday early afternoon and leave friday early afternoon. so i have a few hours to visit.
you know who you are. let's make it happen.
4.13.2005
a rant ... of sorts
right now in canada the big deal is the fight for the traditional definition of marriage. i have struggled with this. i believe strongly in marriage. i think that it is one of the greatest illustrations we have of relationship with God, and one of the greatest opportunities we have to love on people (in and through the marriage and family). i also believe the practice of homosexuality is a distortion of God's good intention for us and contrary to his good plan for us. however, i cannot in good conscience join the fight for the traditional definition of marriage.
why? several reasons. i think that the church on the whole (there are exceptions) has done a terrible job of loving those we don't like. homosexual people already face persecution in our culture, and instead of providing a safe haven the church has contributed to the persecution. we have become a place where people are afraid to admit their weaknesses, struggles, and sinful behaviour for fear that they will be judged, condemned, or shunned. i am afraid that fighting to defend the traditional definition of marriage only contributes to an already ugly image that our culture has of the christian church. i realize that Christ told us that the world will hate us, but are they supposed to hate us because we hate them back or because our love and acceptance is so radical that they can't stand it?
donald miller in searching for God knows what puts voice to some thoughts that have been developing in me better than i ever could. here is some of what he said:
A moral message, a message of us vs them, overflowing in war rhetoric, never hindered the early message of grace, of repentance toward dead works and immorality in exchange for a love relationship with Christ. War rhetoric against people is not the methodology, not the sort of communication that came out of the mouth of Jesus or the mouths of any of His followers. In fact, even today, moralists who use war rhetoric will speak of right and wrong, and even some vague and angry god, but never Jesus. Listen closely, and I assure you, they will not talk about Jesus.
In my opinion, if you hate somebody because they are different from you, you'd best get on your knees and repent until you can say you love them, until you have gotten your soul right with Christ.
I can't say this clearly enough: If we are preaching morality without Christ, and using war rhetoric to communicate a battle mentality, we are fighting on Satan's side. This battle we are in is a battle against the principalities of darkness, not against people who are different from us. In war you shoot the enemy, not the hostage. (pp. 190-191)
4.12.2005
a new kind of christian
i finished reading a new kind of christian by brian mclaren today. it was very thought provoking. i have that feeling like i was privileged to listen in on a conversation that was incredibly insightful, but that also sent me reeling. i feel like there is so much that i've already forgotten, so much to ponder, so much to let sink in. i think i need to let my mind soak for a while. in fact, my mind is so overloaded, i don't even have the wherewithall to post a summary of some of the most challenging ideas here for discussion. maybe later.
for now, if you have read the book, what did you think of his ideas about modern and postmodern, individual and corporate salvation, and/or heaven and hell?
4.09.2005
brokenness and relationship
on my journey thus far (read about it here) i am finally coming to a place where i am beginning to see the light. i cannot express how wondrous that is. light means hope and joy and life and - of all things - emotion. i am beginning to feel God again!
part of my journey includes asking searching questions like what does it really mean to be a christian? how does one become a christian? what would cause a rich, successful, kind, generous, for all appearances "got it together" kind of person to desire to be a christian? why is christianity something that every person should subscribe to? what makes it something that everyone needs, whether rich or poor, kind or a jerk? as i ponder these kinds of questions, i am slowly becoming more and more convinced that the message of christianity, the message of jesus, is incomplete and useless without an understanding of our brokenness. unless we first understand that we are all screwed up, that each one of us has contributed in some way to the filth and sin that surrounds us, then there is no need for a messiah. jesus is the solution to a worldwide problem, and unless we recognize that problem we will never recognize jesus for who he is. i am becoming more and more convinced that this is all that our faith is about. God came to rescue us, to restore us to relationship with him. it's not about morality, it's not about politics, it's not about heaven and hell, it's about restoring a broken relationship.
as i continue down the road, my mentor has assigned me to read two books: searching for God knows what by donald miller, and a new kind of christian by brian mclaren. i just finished the former last night around 12:30 am. it was excellent. and the coolest thing about it was that his book was exactly about what i have been thinking about like i described above. except that his thoughts were much more fully developed and he said it much better than i ever could. this book for me was a reinforcing and further developing of the core idea that i was becoming convinced our faith is really all about.
in his book, miller formulates our faith as a relationship with God, begun in the garden of eden and tragically broken through the deception and betrayal of adam and eve. the rest of the bible then is the story of God slowly and lovingly restoring that broken relationship. the bible does not include a how-to list for getting right with God. there are no bullet points or theological charts. there are stories, poems, visions, songs, parables, and letters. these are the literature of relationship, of heart and soul. the answer to man's problem is not in believing some fact, but in God himself. we find new life not in believing that jesus is God, but in giving ourselves to him in relationship as a bride gives herself to her husband in a marriage union. and scripture is full of God's love, anger, and passion as he patiently works to restore us from our betrayal.
miller begins by first establishing that our faith is best understood as relationship with God, then develops a comprehensive personality theory explaining human behavior as a direct result of God's absence. he says that we were designed to be in relationship with God, and without that we will die. the result of adam and eve's sin was death because their sin destroyed their relationship with God, it cut them off from God and without God humans die.
i could go on, but you would be better off reading the book for yourself. i thought it was one of the best explanations i have ever heard for the entire message of the bible. every theological tenet i believe in makes more sense when understood in this framework of relationship. it explains our brokenness, our need for God, why we die, why we wear clothes, why jesus matters, why the jews were chosen, why the ten commandments were given, and most importantly, why people have and do die rather than give up their faith in jesus christ. it's not a new idea, but it is, for me, a most beautiful way to understand my faith.
have you read it? what did you think?
3.31.2005
another song
here's another song i've written. it kindof goes along with my story from a few posts back. it's a song dealing with the frustration of feeling at a place where i was lost but didn't know exactly where to turn or how to get out. i debated with myself about putting some redemptive uplift near the end, but decided to leave it with the frustrating feeling of lostness. my redemption finds it's voice in other songs. this is one of my favorite songs that i have written so far, and it is my first rock song. (most of my stuff is pretty mellow)
the world around i thought i knew, when i arrived it crumbled too
as soon as i stepped out the door, confusion knocked me to the floor
she opened up her arms to me, then she bent me over her knee
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
the way ahead had seemed so clear, but now there's no direction here
jumping ship had crossed my mind, don't worry dad i'm doing fine
i picked a door and headed in, obedience or was it sin
a thousand more doors lay before, wonder what's in door twenty four
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd
dichotomy of two extremes
while i am choking in between
choices, questions needing answers
i don't always know which way to turn
so many options, so many ways to go
there's a thousand doors on the 23rd floor
3.30.2005
a little help from my friends
okay, i have an idea for a song, so i thought i'd post what i have so far and get some imput. the basic concept is a song dealing with the struggle of dying to self. i'm calling it slow suicide. (apologies in advance if some find this offensive due to past experiences)
o joyous rapture sweet, the sunlight on your hair
then you came into my house and you started to tear it apart
slow suicide
dying every day a little bit more
it's an upside down surprise
the only way to life - through this darkened door
paradox is the only way this seems to be
inside out and my imperfections screaming at me
watcha gonna do, where you gonna turn, is this the only way?
slow suicide
dying every day a little bit more
it's an upside down surprise
the only way to life - through this darkened door
that's all i have so far. if you have any suggestions please give them. on the theological accuracy, on the emotional tension, on the rhyme. anything. like it, hate it. let me know.
3.22.2005
hy-koo
my dear friend mark b. of the silver platter fame has decided to try his hand at haiku poetry. it seems everyone is jumping on the haiku bandwagon in his comments post. why should i be left out? i'll try it here.
so, witness the glory of my first ever haiku poetry:
strangely an art form.
who made this up anyway?
they had opium.
what the crap is that?
who the..what the..err, ahhh, no.
a monkey typing.
aitu gofedo
ljkitex uwlk bidtcoljtu
ailwaktuflfjl
time that you die - d'oh!
i mean, time to end this post.
i killed the monkey.
witness my triumph
thanks for your kind responses to my last post. i am glad it was helpful and encouraging to you. yes, i remember you kayla. thanks for stopping by. i married my sweetheart, karen. i met her here in k-town. anonymous, i have the utmost respect for you and your journey. don't give up. i'm not gonna.
i am slowly learning (thanks to a ponderously thick skull) that God gives me things because he wants me to share them. sometimes that is incredibly intimidating. a story full of hurt and shame and confusion. songs full of my most intimate feelings about God. poems... ahh.. who'm i kidding. i only wish i wrote poems. actually i have written a few, but i don't think they're that good. maybe i'll get around to posting one sometime and let the people judge. or maybe i'll write a new one just for you. ...ummm, maybe later.
here's a glimpse into my twisted psyche. this morning as i was getting about my day, i was singing stupid lines of rhyme out loud - to tunes reminiscent of a broadway musical. at least so i thought. i said to karen as we were eating breakfast, "hey, wouldn't it be fun to make a mock broadway production and do it at youth? ha ha.. funny." she just kindof looked at me like i was from another planet. i'm becoming quite fond of that look. i think she likes me.
easter is in just a few days. this has always been my favorite christian holiday. so full of hope and life and all that is good and great about jesus. plus when i was a kid our church would have this huge easter morning breakfast with a short sunrise service at a house overlooking the valley and the sunrise. in the crisp alaskan air of april it was quite beautiful. my favorite part was the breakfast. it was huge. i mean massive. egg casseroles, fruit, ham, waffles, you name it we probably had it. mmm.... i'm getting hungry. man i love easter. but i miss those breakfasts. and the easter baskets full of teeth rotting chocolates. good times.
my wife tells me there are two kinds of people in the world: people who eat to live, and people who live to eat. my wife is the former. i am the latter. boy am i ever. sometimes when we are eating a meal, i ask her how the food is. when i ask that question, i would love to have answers ranging from how it compares to the same type of food we had at that restaurant last week to how the balance of spices pleases the tastybuds on her tongue. she usually says something to the effect of, "meh." it's then i remember that she is of the first type of people and i am of the second.
cha-cha-cha changin' (musical interlude in my head) turn and face the .... da da da da da da da da ... somthing... la la... but i can't change time...
yeah, so.... i better go before i say something stupid.
3.11.2005
a story :: or, i spill my guts
disclaimer :: this is a very long posting, continue at your own peril
i've been on a journey for the past 6 months or so. i've given you small glimpses into my heart and mind at times, but the bulk of it i have kept hidden.
here's some of what i've been dealing with:
last year, i was finding myself frustrated, disenchanted, and confused about my experiences with church as i knew it. i have talked about this a little bit, but by no means extensively. i began meeting with a mentor who helped guide me on a journey of self-discovery that began with a stripping away of what i thought church, or more specifically, my relationship with God consisted of. it was a shock-treatment of sorts, and it worked. marvelously so. an example: "devotions" for me had for so long (most of my life) been something i struggled with doing regularly, and i was constantly plagued with feelings of guilt and/or remorse for not being a "good Christian" by spending regular time with God (translate: reading my bible and praying). so i quit. or, rather, i only read my bible when i wanted to. the rest of the time i didn't. it was exhilarating! i was drunk with freedom. i was also terrified. what would this mean for my soul? was i endangering my eternal destiny? what would this do to my relationship with God?
i experienced a moment in my car driving to work one morning that helped me tremendously in this process. in fact, i still refer to it often in my mind and heart to give me confidence as i continue this treacherous pathway. i was driving to work, talking with God about this dreadfully exhilarating experiment i was about to try, and i sensed his pleasure with me trying it. i sensed that what he wanted from me was genuine interest, not dutiful obedience. he was just as eager for me to do this as i was, and he gave me the permission i needed to walk away from him. for me, the only way to find God was to leave the one i knew. my "relationship" with God was wrapped up so much in the religious activities i had been taught were "vital" to a good Christian existence that i had not yet encountered in a life changing way the real God of the universe.
so i entered the most difficult spiritual trial i have ever experienced. i walked right into it, eager yet tentative, excited yet terrified. i knew there was no other path for me. i became numb to all things God related. i did not feel God's presence. i did not feel any of the sensations and emotions i had come to enjoy and rely on as part of my Christian experience. this lasted for several months, and at first i reveled in it. i was like gollum when he first had the ring in his hands. oh the freedom from all the guilt and self-condemnation i had been privy to for far too long! eventually, however, came the point where the blackness became more real. not only could i no longer feel guilty for not getting up at 6:30 to read my bible, i could also no longer feel the joy of worship or the restful peace of being in God's presence. i began to wonder if this Christianity thing was really worth it. i began to wonder if i even wanted to follow Christ. for the first time in my life i wished i could get away from all things God-related. i also was struggling terribly to serve my church as a youth pastor in the face of all this doubt and darkness in my soul.
i reached a point where i realized i did not want to stay where i was, but i did not know where to go. i still didn't want to read my bible and spend time with God if it were something i dreaded or felt i had to do out of obligation, and for me the thought of doing that still had those feelings tied to it like a chain. part of me thought that i needed to find some way of reading the scriptures, of re-establishing contact with God - and i even thought that God was asking me to do this. i didn't do it. i was still too afraid that it would become the way it was before - drudgery, obligation with no joy. i entered a period that i think was disobedience. God wanted me back and i turned my back to him.
in all of this my guiding light, my foothold, was the idea and hope that God would never give up on me - that i could ask honest questions and search for truth with the confidence that if i wandered in the wrong direction God would come looking for me and bring me home again. this was my rock, my hope, my only hope in the blackest night. i did not know where to turn, and when i thought i did know i knew i could not honestly go there. i could not honestly spend time reading my bible, doing those traditional religious activities that are supposed to help me connect with God, because in my heart i did not want to. in all of this my one conviction was to be real, to become real with God.
God, i believe, brought my attention to several books. the first was "surprised by joy" by c.s. lewis. this book helped me realize one main idea: i could not get away from God. i had no real option other than to serve God. no matter how much i wished to run away from my Christian faith, i knew i could not. a secondary idea spurred off of that one: i could do no other thing with my life than serve the church. anything else i tried to do would turn me into a shrivelled shell of a miserable man. a thought from lewis stuck out at me through this time - lewis in his childhood had experienced an anger at God for creating him without lewis' permission. similarly, i realized eventually that i was angry at God for not giving me any real options. i could serve God with my life or self-destruct. what kind of choice is that? i could serve the church or be miserable all my days. where is the second option there? i felt robbed of any choice for my life. more accurately, i felt robbed of control.
therein lay the key: i had taken control of my life back into my own hands and was acting like a two year old kicking and screaming because i couldn't have my own way. not that there was even anything else i would choose - i was just resentful that i didn't have a choice.
God brought another book along, recommended to my by a friend: "blue like jazz" by donald miller. this book was for me a breath of fresh air, like cool water to a parched throat. it told me that i was not alone on this journey, but that many others were travelling with me, ahead of me, behind me. God knew what he was doing in me and he's got experience working with people.
i continued to plod along, struggling to even want to head in to work in the mornings. that's what it was for me, this pastoring thing - work. i had the constant sensation of falsehood, of hypocrisy - the ever underlying fear that i would be found out to be the fraud i felt myself to be. pastors are supposed to have it all together, are they not, to be ahead of the game. at least that's what i thought. i was not, and in a journey of learning to be real with God, feeling like i was fake with everyone else was eating me up inside. finally i talked to my pastor about it. i had been telling him bits of my journey here and there, but finally i let it all out. how i felt like i was ripping the church off by not being able to give my full energy to being a youth pastor. he was very gracious and understanding, as all good pastors are, and i left that meeting feeling so much better simply for getting it off my chest.
i still found church activity very empty for me. sunday mornings were a dutiful chore to get through as part of my job. if it were my choice i probably wouldn't have attended much for the past few months. then one friday i was lying in bed - my day off. i was going to sleep in that morning, but my wife called from work on her break to let me know that she was feeling frustrated that i wasn't pulling my weight around the house. she had to get it off her chest, she said. i lay back on my pillow after hanging up the phone, at the end of my line. i felt like i was not only cheating the church out of their youth pastor, but also cheating my wife out of her husband. i had no motivation to go to work, no motivation to clean the house, no motivation to work on my relationship with my wife, no motivation to even get out of bed. so, as in many such introspective moments, i began to talk to God about it. i told him how frustrated i was with this process that had been dragging on for so long, trapping me in it's talons and numbing me to the things i love most in life. i told him how angry i was at him, and as i lay there crying and praying i began to realize that more than anything i was just afraid. more than being angry at God for taking away my control, i was terrified that giving control back to God would mean going back to the old days of guilt and obligation. of all things, that i wanted least. the words seem strong, but i would almost rather die than go back to the way things were. i was afraid. no, i was petrified.
in all of this journey, i have never been able to doubt God. i have never been able to think God dishonourable or a grouchy ogre out to get me. thankfully, i have seen God do too many things in my family and in my own life to doubt his trustworthyness. the issue was more one of me being able to trust, to let go. but i was at an end. i could not, would not live this way any longer. i knew turning to God was my only option, and i knew deep down that really God was trustworthy. so i gave up. i quit. in my mind i imagined myself reaching out with my two hands, in the centre of my palms lay my trembling bleeding heart, and i gave it to God. i let go.
the rest of the day i felt that i was at peace with God again. i still had and have many unanswered questions. i still was and am terrified at the thought of going back to the way i used to be, but i know that God was the one who started me on this terrible wonderful journey and i know he will be the one who brings me back out again. in many ways i feel like this has been my "mines of moria" (sp?) experience. i dodged the balrog by God's grace and hopefully the exit is somewhere around the corner. but really i don't know. maybe this tunnel will go on forever. maybe i will ever be forced to follow in darkness. maybe i will forever be numb to the emotions i used to know as the wonderful part of church. so far God hasn't really offered any explanations or answers. it has been more like the experience of job - am i going to trust or not?
the third book i "stumbled" across this past week. yesterday, actually. i was looking for a book to give to a teen who was asking some pretty tough questions, so i was thumbing my way through "disappointment with God" by philip yancey. it caught my interest and i ended up spending most of my day at the office reading this book from cover to cover. in its pages i found God beginning to show me who he really is and what he is really like. i am beginning to discover a God worth serving. not a God who makes me feel guilty or wants my obligatory service, but a God who entices me with his strength and weakness, holiness and grace, personality, emotion, passion, and mystery.
i am still numb to many things. i still have oodles of questions. i still find some things confusing. i am still afraid to try many of the classic spiritual disciplines for fear they will take me back to the person i used to be. i am still struggling along. but i feel a heck of a lot better than i did two months ago. and i am heaps excited to become the person God is molding me into. i believe that this process, this journey, is all part of his plan for me and that in the end he is going to use the things i am learning to help me serve him and his church better than i ever could before.
i have hope again, and that is a lot.
3.01.2005
it's not fair, or is it?
here's a question sparked by the lastest post on the silver platter. does tim horton's (or whatever coffee place you frequent) use fair trade coffee? if not, should we as responsible global citizens boycott until they do?
2.16.2005
EC and me
hey, i have a question for any readers out there. some of my good friends seem to spew venom every now and again at the EC "movement." i wonder how we can discern the difference between doing old things in new ways and completely throwing out old things. i didn't say that very well. here's my issue. i don't like going to church. i am a pastor, but i wish most sundays that i didn't have to go. now, i serve in a wonderful church. not perfect, but wonderful. God works there, people seem to like it - except me. i can still worship, i still love the people there, but i don't get excited about going. it doesn't wake me up in the morning with that feeling of "hurrah, i get to go to church today." i don't very often look forward to sunday mornings...if ever. to me it seems like something's missing for me. i connect better with God in other places than i do in church. and i wonder not if what we are doing there is wrong, but if there is another way of doing church that would make the gospel more real in the lives of people like myself.
now there is a fine line between my being selfish and consumerist in expecting church to "meet my needs" and my expectation that the gospel lived out in a church community should be relevant to real needs in my life. i don't want to be a selfish pig, but i do want to enjoy church. i want to be excited to go celebrate with my community of believers. i'm not. why? ...i find that some of the questions being asked in the EC community are good ones. ones that i identify with.
so i wonder...for people like me - how do i find church that is real and relevant without throwing out the baby with the bathwater? and as a pastor working in a wonderful church that God is using but that i don't always like attending - how can i become a creator, not a destoyer? i don't want to be a whiner, but a helper.
i know that worship is about God - not about me, and all that. but here's the crux. teaching, community, etc.. should reach into felt needs in a person's life. the gospel lived out in a church community should be the answer to our deepest questions, hurts, and needs. when those needs, hurts, and questions are not being met and answered, then i have to ask if there is a better way to "do church." when a person feels safer being themself in a local pub than they do in church, something is wrong. hence the EC community conversations. maybe church should be in the local pub. (grin) i don't know. i just have a lot of questions right now. any advice? what do you think?
2.11.2005
blue like jazz
this book, "Blue Like Jazz" by donald miller, was recommended to me recently. i bought a copy and sat down to read it. i didn't get up again until i had read the whole thing. miller calls it "nonreligious thoughts on christian spirituality." i call it food for my soul. this book was a God moment for me. if you ever have questions, doubts, wonderings about your faith like i have, then this book is a must read. i loved it.
brian mclaren said this about it,
"I can think of no better book than Blue Like Jazz to introduce Christian spirituality (a way of life) to people for whom Christianity (a system of beliefs) seems like a bad math problem or a traffic jam. Donald Miller writes like a good improv solo - smooth, sweet, surprising, uplifting, and full of soul and fury and joy. When I finished the last page, I felt warmed, full of hope, and confident that this great book will echo with beauty in many, many lives as it is doing in mine."
also, thanks to those of you who replied to my last post. i appreciate your thoughts. thank you for the reminder to live in the tension between feeling the responsibility for those entrusted to me, yet leaving the results of my ministry up to God. if you have more thoughts or ideas, please continue the conversation.
2.03.2005
a ministry riddle
so, i've been a youth pastor now for two and a half years. many days - most days in fact - i feel like i hardly know what i'm doing, or like i'm spinning my wheels but not really getting much done.
i have worked hard to build a great student ministry. we have a great team of adult leaders (i started with one and now have nine). we have a fun youth night filled with games, teaching, music, and hanging out (we call it expedition). we go to events. we laugh together. we have small group on tuesday nights.
but many days it feels so useless, so empty. i am beginning to think that maybe i have spent too much energy and time building programs that i haven't focused enough on time with teens, or teaching my leaders to spend time with teens. or something....
i see my kids - most of them born and raised in church - and i wonder how many of them will still be in church in five years. how many of them really love jesus? how many of them are just faking their way through - doing what everyone expects them to do? and how can i help them find the real jesus?
here's the issue. i am beginning to hate programs and programming. i really dislike planning events and organizing transportation and gathering permission forms. i really dislike planning a big "invite your friends" new year's eve bash and then walking away from it wondering if it was any use at all. i feel like all i really want to do is hang out with them - but i actually get to do that so little. i suppose it is much my own fault, but i wonder if there is also something fundamentally flawed in my view of what a good youth ministry looks like.
more and more i don't want to care about how many teens are there - or more importantly - how many there are compared to this time last year. i don't want to plan big events that seem empty of any real impact on life. i don't want expedition to just feel like more church. i don't want being a youth pastor to be about going to events and organizing things for teens to do so they have nice christian activities to go to. all i want to do is see people commit themselves to follow jesus no matter what. i want to walk with them through the ups and downs of life and maybe get to have a small part to play in how they walk. that's it - that's all. and i am beginning to wonder if planning all these things really helps in that process at all. does it do more to help us find real life together, or does it help perpetuate the "church as 'holy club'" mindset.
i make one request. please do not comment on this post if you are just going to tell me the same things i've heard a million times in classes and books and from people all over the place: "youth ministry is about relationships." "focus on the teens, not the programs." "programs are a tool to help us build relationships." "just be real in front of them." blah blah blah. i know all these things - why do you think i'm frustrated?
i am struggling with the tension of my job as minister and my job as administrator. in other words, how to reconcile and balance my time with people and my time in the office. i think that so far i have fallen too far on the office side of things and it is making me really frustrated. also i am learning things about myself and my view of what the church is supposed to be that make me more and more frustrated with church the way it is. so the combination has resulted in this post - a sad blurtation of frustration, questions, and ...stuff.
that's all for now.
1.31.2005
molvania
i stumbled across this book the other day. actually, i saw it recommended in mclean's so picked it up at the library. it is hilarious! also check out the molvania website.
"Molvania, A LAND UNTOUCHED BY MODERN DENTISTRY is the definitive guide to one of Eastern Europe's most overlooked destinations. Once known only by war historians and Soviet drug runners, this landlocked republic is now finally being discovered by the discerning traveller. And this latest Jetlag guide offers all you need to know about getting there, getting around and safely escaping the forgotten jewel that is Molvania."
go to your public library and check it out now!
what are you waiting for?
do it!
